I drank, I smoked, I got into cars with boys I didn’t know. I shouldn’t be here.
She never smoked or dranked or went out past curfew. She should be here.
I disobeyed my parents, thought my teachers were stupid, and only obeyed laws that suited me. I shouldn’t be here.
She listened to her parents, saw the insight every teach gave her, and obeyed every law… she should be here.
I cursed life and all it entailed. I shouldn’t be here.
She loved life and all its challenges. She should be here.
I hated the evil in people.
She loved the light in people.
I gave up.
She gave.
I cursed.
She cherished.
I saw dark.
She saw hope.
Maybe she just got it…. she learned the lesson of the universe and was called home.
She made her mark. She changed the world. ….. in just 21 years she accomplished more than millions before her in a lifetime could.
She was good. Where as others and I could only Dream to keep in our hearts a love for all this deep.
We will soldier on and go day to day in this world that is often grey, with rules unspoken and in stone that rule our lives even after worn. But long to wonder whether right or wrong.
“Life is not fair” we have been taught to embrace.
Then why follow the rules that have been put in place?
Oh sweet angel how so many love you so..you will not be forgotten…..you are in our souls…
I am very rarely caught off guard unless a tragedy happens. I am a pretty normal mom. I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to scream. Yesterday in fact I told a friend about an incident with one of my children: “I really could have slapped them”… ( I didn’t of course, I’ve never hit my kids… but I could see how it could happen!) Some days I get, well bored, with the same routine; up at 6:20 AM, breakfast, lunches, school, house work, my work, pick ups, activities, asking my son to take a shower 95 times until he finally does it… etc. I often think, as I did today, ” I guess this is it. This is the life I chose and it’s great. I have two great kids, a house I love, I am doing what I love, we have food…. but this is it.” It can be a hamster wheel.
Then tonight happened. Tonight was my sons end of the year football banquet for his team the Burbank Vikings. I was to sit at a different table, but kids over ran it. My son and I randomly sat with a few other players, a sister of one, and the parents of another. People think I am very out going. I’m not. Unless I know someone, I want to start drinking or go home. I have been braver as the years have passed and I started talking to the dad, Sean Moreno’s father. I think it started out with “I can’t believe this glass of wine was only $3″ He said: ” I know, this beer was only $3.50″…. The Elks Lodge man, they are AWESOME. We spoke for quite a while. I remember seeing him when football conditioning happened in August, but I never saw him at the games. Turns out, he is a forest ranger and is gone 6 days a week. He only sees his family one day a week…THINK ABOUT THAT…. He had accrued vacation days and is getting some time off until February 1, which is so wonderful. I remember this man when football just started. His son Sean had never played football, in fact his Sean is quite a baseball player. I believe some kind of an All Star. Played all his life. I remember his father being a bit nervous for his son at the beginning of the year. During the banquet his son was quiet, just sitting by his parents, very patient, never said a peep. All the boys at our table were very quiet and well behaved, and this think was long….
The Burbank Vikings lost one if it’s players in March, a true angel on Earth, Donnovan Castellanos. The “All Heart Never Quit Award”, in memory of Donnovan was awarded to Sean Moreno tonight. I have posted the link to the video on this page and the tribute to Donnovan Castellanos as pictures on this post. In the future I may rewrite it (with author credits) so it is clearer to read, but honestly I don’t think I could get through it with out breaking down. To Donnovan and his best friend Sean. Life can be horrific. There is absolutely no benefit to Donnovan being taken so early. There is NO beneficial explanation why his parents should have lost their son. All I know is Donnovan is and had always been an angel here on earth, and his best friend Sean, who played for him this year will never let the world forget him. My hope is that both the parents of Donnovan and Sean walk with their heads high and proud until the end of time as they raised AMAZING human beings.
I am grateful beyond words for my “hamster wheel” and I hope it never stops spinning.
90% of my blog posts are depressing…. I write when I’m sad…. But I’m not sad all the time….and I keep from being sad by having projects to focus on…. so I decided to have a Fairy Garden Tea Party… so I did…. It was no ones birthday. There was ABSOLUTELY no reason to have this party. I of all people know that life can go from awesome to shit hell in less than a second. I recently had my life flash before my eyes again when I passed out and received a concussion from having a reaction to new medication. I was at a funeral last week. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible just to make it through the day…. so I am going to keep planning parties and trips because my shrink said I could… and it doesn’t need to cost a lot of money. This party cost me very little money. I baked everything myself from stuff I got from my favorite store (The 99 cents store), everyone brought a dish, and the girls played with confetti and hula hoops for two hours. … So COME…. take a ride in my little red wagon….
Come take a ride in my Little Red Wagon…
Life is short… concussion
99 cent store I love you
FAIRIES COME PLAY
If you have a garden use it///
If you have a garden use it///
m
A LITTLE CONFETTI GOES A LONG WAY…. My Daughter had a great time too
99 cent store I love you
Life can really really suck so enjoy every moment…
Vanessa Bednar 
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