White Male Privilege

Not so long ago rich bullies who either couldn’t get a woman by being a gentleman or were too disgusting could just buy one. This woman he now owned he could rape at any time, beat, abuse.  She was his property. Any children that came of people that he owned he could not only rape, but have his friends rape too with no consequences.  If he was married to a nice well bred white woman he could still rape those he owned and a blind eye was turned, for he was a powerful white male, one who you wanted to be in good favor with as maybe he owned a lot of land or businesses in town. He was rich. People admired his wealth, power and strength and some wanted to be him. His children blindly followed in his foot steps out of fear or tradition.

My father and both of my grandparents were strong white males. While they never owned people nor did any of their lineage to my knowledge, they were still the kings of their castles. Admiration was given to stronger white males more powerful or higher raking than them. My grandfathers and father were loving men, kind to me.  I was never beaten.  However, when challenged by a woman, child or someone they considered inferior in a certain way, they would get visibly upset.  Children of white males were supposed to obey. Period. Girls especially… boys to follow in the fathers footsteps. Girls to marry strong white males and obey them …. even if treated badly? Maybe? Divorce…not an option… frowned upon, not recognized by the church.  Must be the woman’s fault. When challenged and then angered I think this was more of just a complete non understanding of why?  Traditions of obeying your elders passed down generation after generation.  The years wore on and everyone was becoming more and more equal, STILL how they were raised and their fathers were raised bled through. Their word should rule. Why are they being challenged? We still see this male dominance through out the world.  There is still slavery, child trafficking, rape.  We Americans look down on other countries because we are so evolved. Are we? Some rapists, murderers, child molesters get shorter sentences than some drug offenders. White male offenders routinely get shorter prison time than black male offenders for any crime.

In my eyes those with money and power are still looked up to and admired no matter what wrong they have done. A blind eye is turned because they are rich and successful, even if they had to ruin others to do it.  Business isn’t personal right?  It’s still OK for old white men to cast out their older wives for a new one. The old ones are just crazy or unfit, and as long as they are given money to move on…  it’s all good.

There is a man running for president that is a classic white, male bully.  He is admired by many because he is rich, powerful, any has a beautiful wife.  He is valued by becoming successful even if that meant ruining others that weren’t as rich or as powerful.  He makes fun of people, steps on people, says hurtful things to innocent people and a blind eye is turned. When challenged is ruthless or a big baby even denying press credentials or refusing interviews by women. He has denied equal housing rights to people, his immigration stand does not apply to his current foreign wife, his ties and debts to foreign governments are overlooked. He even bad mouthed the Pope.  He is a strong white male.  He is the king of his castle. Has timed changed that much in 200 years? In 50?  I am currently watching the series Outlander.  It doesn’t seem like times have changed much at all.  Strong white males are becoming a minority and they know it.  This is their last stand.  It is time they step down, they have done enough damage, but they won’t, so its time to run them down.

Life is not how it is supposed to be.

I drank, I smoked, I got into cars with boys I didn’t know.  I shouldn’t be here.

She never smoked or dranked or went out past curfew.  She should be here.

I disobeyed my parents, thought my teachers were stupid, and only obeyed laws that suited me.  I shouldn’t be here.

She listened to her parents, saw the insight every teach gave her, and obeyed every law… she should be here.

I cursed life and all it entailed. I shouldn’t be here.

She loved life and all its challenges.  She should be here.

I hated the evil in people.

She loved the light in people.

I gave up.

She gave.

I cursed.

She cherished.

I saw dark.

She saw hope.

Maybe she just got it…. she learned the lesson of the universe and was called home.

She made her mark. She changed the world. ….. in just 21 years she accomplished more than millions before her in a lifetime could.

She was good. Where as others and I could only Dream to keep in our hearts a love for all this deep.

We will soldier on and go day to day in this world that is often grey, with rules unspoken and in stone that rule our lives even after worn. But long to wonder whether right or wrong.

“Life is not fair” we have been taught to embrace.

Then why follow the rules that have been put in place?

Oh sweet angel how so many love you so..you will not be forgotten…..you are in our souls…IMAG3150.jpg

 

 

Replacing Sad Anniversary “Death Dates”

I have so many days of the year that I dread because people I loved died on them.  Today, May 2 is the 25th anniversary of my fathers suicide….Wow…. and it gets more painful every year.  I am afraid to go to sleep because I dream of talking to my dad, asking him for advice, childhood memories that are just too happy, and dreams of just loss and being alone.  I also do have flashbacks of our fighting and some memory dreams are just too painful that I get a panic attack and wake up crying.  The panic attacks last for hours.

My mother used to force me to go to the Marriott Linconshire Resort for the week end on the anniversary deaths for a few years.  I just didn’t want to go, but I know what she was trying to do.  Now that I am older and death anniversaries bother me more I have been starting to do things on those days to change my fixation that those days are always bad.

My birthday was never a good day.  My father refused to come in the kitchen and sing Happy Birthday to me for my 16th Birthday.  Every November 4th after that was never the same.  It was never a day of joy, just one I wished I would forget.  When I turned 38 I tried to change that and planned my own birthday party.  People actually showed up and I had too much of a good time, so I threw an even bigger one for my 40th and it was even better.  So while I will always remember that 16th birthday, the bad memory fades when I think about my 40th birthday.

I found out about a year and a half ago that my first husband threw himself in front of a train three years ago.  He left behind two young children.  I am still in shock and I am sure the guilt nightmares will start in a few years.  I can not believe after what he knew I went through with my fathers suicide he would do that to his children.  However, that might have been the point in my life that I really did not share with anyone that part of my life.  I was ashamed, embarrassed, guilty….. I have such sadness for his family.  They are good people.  Todd and I were married on April 15, 1995, Tax Day.  I always remember every detail from that day.  Now I needed something else on that day, so this year on April 16th I threw and after the Tax Day party.  I planned it for about 4 months.  Yes, I know, Crazy, but I needed it.  I needed something fun for my brain to fixate on, or it will fixate on bad shit.  The party was great, but sure enough, as soon as it is over and I don’t have anything to fixate on the nightmares start.

Which leads to this date, May 2, the day my father died.  I can’t have parties all the time, but as an actor in this modern age of technology I can keep myself busy writing and filming ridiculous sketches that really only a handful of my friends watch.  I launched my latest sketch today.  I promoted it for weeks that it was going to launch May 1st, but I thought May 1st was today….. so here I am on my fathers death anniversary launching a ridiculous sketch on Youtube.

My therapist would tell me: “Just try to make it through the day.”  Well this is how I do it;).  I hope this makes at least one sad person laugh, even if just for a minute.  Let’s make it through the day together.

I wanted to have a Fairy Garden Tea Party so I had one…. Life is short

90% of my blog posts are depressing…. I write when I’m sad…. But I’m not sad all the time….and I keep from being sad by having projects to focus on…. so I decided to have a Fairy Garden Tea Party… so  I did…. It was no ones birthday.  There was ABSOLUTELY no reason to have this party. I of all people know that life can go from awesome to shit hell in less than a second. I recently had my life flash before my eyes again when I passed out and received a concussion from having a reaction to new medication. I was at a funeral last week. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible just to make it through the day…. so I am going to keep planning parties and trips because my shrink said I could… and it doesn’t need to cost a lot of money. This party cost me very little money. I baked everything myself from stuff I got from my favorite store (The 99 cents store), everyone brought a dish, and the girls played with confetti and hula hoops for two hours. … So COME…. take a ride in my little red wagon….

Come take a ride in my Little Red Wagon...

Come take a ride in my Little Red Wagon…

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Life is short... concussion

Life is short… concussion

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99 cent store I love you

99 cent store I love you

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FAIRIES COME PLAYIMAG5298

If you have a garden use it///

If you have a garden use it///

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If you have a garden use it///

If you have a garden use it///

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A LITTLE CONFETTI GOES A LONG WAY….IMAG5268 IMAG5266 IMAG5262 IMAG5260 IMAG5253 IMAG5249 IMAG5245 My Daughter had a great time tooIMAG5241

99 cent store I love you

99 cent store I love you

Life can really really suck so enjoy every moment…

Do what you love…

Some of my acting stuff on Jimmy Kimmel

It’s Always Difficult for me to Enjoy Mothers Day..But this year I did… and I don’t know how

Mothers Day always is around the time of the anniversary of my fathers death (May 2), his birthday (May 6), My parents anniversary ( May 12). I also remember the mothers who have lost children, specifically my best friend.  This year was extra shitty as a football team mate of sons passed away and the funeral was on Friday.  A 10 year old little boy..the same age as my son.  I laid in bed Thursday night with my little boy watching him sleep knowing that the mother of his friend was probably laying in her sons bed crying…. Seeing my son lay there so peacefully in his bed… trying to get out of my head the devastating thought of his friend probably looking the same peaceful way in the coffin he would be laid to rest in the next day. I think as parents we have all had close calls with our kids. It only takes a piece of a second for anyone’s life to change forever, for the unspeakable worse. I went to the funeral Friday. My shrink told me not to force Jett to go.  I had to leave early. I was sobbing in the back of the standing room only church.  It was a beautiful service, they always are…. the family was even holding it together. Then there was me… someone who wasn’t close to the family.  Jett had only played with him this one past season… but I knew the kid…. he was a gentle, kind, wonderful, thoughtful, one of a kind angel on this earth that was taken too soon. The funerals, as impossibly hard as they are have a sort of magic to them.  Family is there, friends are there, sharing stories and memories and everyone is there for one another. However, I know from my best friends loss of her son, again another delightful angel on earth taken way too soon unfairly in a freak sickness, that is the after…. After all the people leave…. the next day and the next after that… the loneliness…. the questions in your mind repeating…. friends staying away or leaving permanently because they don’t know what to do or what to say.  They still have their kids… how can they talk about normal life to their friend that lost their child….. Its selfish isn’t it? To be happy around someone who lost EVERYTHING that mattered.

No matter how well I prepare or try to forget all the past sadness surrounding Mothers Day, the week is always shitty. Life throws us curve balls, especially when we have kids, and this year was full of them.  Basically I had to suck up my depression for my kids. My daughter starts high school in the fall and I tell you … it is already in full swing. Because half of my high school years were shit due to my dads suicide I am extra sensitive to make sure my daughters high school years are frickin magical and she goes after every opportunity available.  So last week, my shittiest week of the year I had to suck up my depression and grief for her. I could not allow the cycle of pain to continue on to her. My grief was hidden the best I could and I focused… (overly on her, but in a good way). I was a mom taxi all week from 2 pm until 7 pm daily. From getting the kids to school, to their activities which included; gymnastics, dance team, dance class, private lessons for the dance team, Jetts auditions, ect. I was busy. There were only 8 incoming Freshmen that auditioned for the dance team out of the 1,200 kids coming into the school in the fall. I was so proud of Sedona for just showing up, then I was just glowing for her seeing it through. She didn’t make it, but stayed with a positive attitude and I know she will be more prepared for next year to give it another go. We had many talks about the importance of just showing up last week. Every day I quizzed her.

Me:” What is #1?”

Sedona: “Just showing up”

Me: #2

Sedona: Confidence

Me: #3

Sedona: Keep going if I mess up.

Me: #4 NEVER APOLOGIZE

Sedona: but…I like to apologize..

Me: No, unless you accidentally kick someone in the face do not apologize. If you mess up, you keep going and at the end you say, “Thank you for having me audition”… and get out!

Just showing up, confidence, and keeping going are three things that will not only get her through life, but help her succeed when others just don’t show up and give up.  They are simple rules with great potential impact. Yes, you need to practice, be prepared, and be good at what ever you are going after too. However, a person with confidence and skill will get the job over the person with no confidence every time. Now I am not saying be a cocky asshole… I used to always tell my girls to have relaxed confidence on stage. Those were the girls that always did well. Nice people with confidence.

My best Mothers Day gift was seeing my daughter transitioning into an adult.  She really appreciated me and all the effort, time and work I have put into her!:) SHE WAS THE MOTHER ON MOTHERS DAY!! On Mothers Day I got breakfast in bed, She forced her brother to take a shower and then forced him to sit through a Shakespeare play at the high school… haha… When we got home I got to garden and drink wine out front while she forced Jett to help her clean the house. When I got back in the almost perfect house to end their drudgery, Jett was sulking, saying Sedona did most of it. I sat both of them down and said that I didn’t care how clean the house got, and it looked amazing. All I wanted out of Mothers Day was Just to be appreciated for all the work I do for you every day….. I really think they understood how much I do for them and I really felt appreciated…. Then Sedona forced Jett to help her give me a pedicure while we watched the Amazing Race… It was fabulous…. It was a great day. It was a day I didn’t want to run away with my passport to Africa…. but I’m keeping it handy just in case.

This post started so sad and ended so happy… and that is exactly how my Mothers Day weekend went, so it is fitting to end it here. I am the luckiest human in the world that these tow amazing kids chose me to be their mom…. Every day is a gift and a gift that could be taken away at any moment. I need to enjoy every day more and not take anything for granted.

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I can be funny too…. Im not depressing all of the time…. MONTANA

My Trip to Montana…. including singing, puppies, children, camping, buffalo, snow, mountains, and a snake.

Spring the Movie release TODAY Friday March 20th

11081440_10105903926645523_2530462836711732276_n61426_10202174336454364_745745989_n 1538902_10202174337134381_896937253_nI’m in the second scene.. Don’t be late or you will miss me!