Monthly Archives: March 2015
I had a conversation with my therapist today, an honest one, and he listened. He didn’t want to agree with me, but I know on a certain level he did. Suicide: those left behind blame themselves; friends of those that blames themselves tell them it is not their fault. It is the person that killed themselves fault; They did it, it was their choice, they were selfish, how could they inflict so much pain on themselves, family and friends.
Here is a statement of truth: I know I was just a teenager. I know my father was MY parent, THE adult. I KNOW he killed himself. I know it is not my fault. However, I also know that the moment he died he thought to his core that I hated him. I KNOW the last exchange I had with him I disobeyed him by taking the truck to school when he asked me not to. I SAW the look on his face when he walked our dog and I was in the truck driving to school. I KNOW that the reason he left 3 days before he died was because of a fight I started. I KNOW in that fight I blamed him for something he did not do. I KNOW I lied. I KNOW I told him I hated him. I KNOW that I wished him dead, not to his face, but the words were spoken in my mind. All of those facts are just always there. They will always haunt me.
Of course there was something wrong with my father. He hurt me too. He refused to come into the kitchen to sing Happy Birthday to me on my 16th Birthday. For months he wouldn’t let me in the house. For months he didn’t speak to me. One day he changed and he just never could come back to the same person he was. However, I know he tried. Days he tried to reach out for me I shut him out. Nights I cried in my bed he refused to say he was sorry.
My point is; words have meaning. People do hear what you say to them, and they feel what you say and do to them, sometimes forever. Teach your children how much meaning words have. Bullying is real and a horrible problem. Teach them not to hate… Teach them just how important love is. Teach how important forgiveness is and how to apologize.
More on this subject later.
I feel like a lot of my friends are going through bad times. Just know…. You are not alone…. I’m up and down every other day. Today is the first day my spirits are starting high since January17th when I got tapeworms from eating bad sushi…..and saying my spirits are high doesn’t mean my body is fine. … My abdomen doesn’t feel weird anymore, but I still have the remnants of a head cold. I’m just starting to accept the fact that no matter how healthy I am my body just sucks…plus Jett has missed 22 days of school this year so apparently he inherited my immune system..which makes me even more sad…. Keep on going my fellow sick people…. I read an article that in like 30 years no one will be sick because nanobugs will be injected in our body to kill germs…..so we have that to look forward to.
As far as our brains and how with people wired like myself, a switch can flip sometimes over something that is minor…. Sometimes major…..we just have to work to flip the switch the other way….. And sometimes that can seem impossible… But we can do it…. I would say my switch is somewhere in the middle….while my spirits are starting high today I know they will dip. My friends and family help to keep it going. I know I am very blessed. However, things happen and I will share this…. I found out last week that my ex husband killed himself 3 years ago. He stepped in front of a train. He leaves behind 2 kids. I hadn’t communicated with him last in probably 6 years. He had emailed me saying he forgave me for leaving and he had a wonderful life with his wife, kids, career, and snowmobile racing. However, knowing that does not soften the blow. My father, uncle, cousin and now ex husband killed themselves. I loved my ex husband and that love didn’t go away when I left him. When I left him I was just running away from him, my father’s suicide, my family, my life….. I figured out I could run away, invent a new life…. And I did. The past might be the past. We are told to let go, live in the now, but the past is what made the now. We can’t just turn our backs on the past. Sometimes we have to deal with it or it will eat us alive. I’ve been dealing with the past for the past 5 years rebuilding friendships I threw away when I ran away. The news of my ex is still processing. For 2 days I just cried. It’s not about blaming myself…guilt…. It’s just the loss….a violent death….just like my father’s. The message….I don’t know…but to all my friends who have kids….we go one for them..if you don’t have kids get a pet….if you don’t have kids or a pet you are stronger than I will ever be.