The Broken People are my People

Around broken people I can breathe.

Around broken people I can be myself.

Around broken people I don’t feel a need to talk to break the silence.

Around broken people I never get anxiety.

Around broken people I never feel judged.

Around broken people I don’t feel alone.

Around broken people I feel allowed to cry but I never need to.

Around broken people my heart is open and giving.

Around broken people I am free.

If you are broken find me.

I am broken and allowing myself to be.








A tribute to Donnovan Castellanos by the Burbank Vikings… The “The All Heart, Never Quit” Award

I am very rarely caught off guard unless a tragedy happens.  I am a pretty normal mom.  I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to scream.  Yesterday in fact I told a friend about an incident with one of my children: “I really could have slapped them”… ( I didn’t of course, I’ve never hit my kids… but I could see how it could happen!)   Some days I get, well bored, with the same routine; up at 6:20 AM, breakfast, lunches, school, house work, my work, pick ups, activities, asking my son to take a shower 95 times until he finally does it… etc.  I often think, as I did today, ” I guess this is it.  This is the life I chose and it’s great. I have two great kids, a house I love, I am doing what I love, we have food…. but this is it.”  It can be a hamster wheel.

Then tonight happened.  Tonight was my sons end of the year football banquet for his team the Burbank Vikings.  I was to sit at a different table, but kids over ran it.  My son and I randomly sat with a few other players, a sister of one, and the parents of another.  People think I am very out going.  I’m not.  Unless I know someone, I want to start drinking or go home. I have been braver as the years have passed and I started talking to the dad, Sean Moreno’s father.  I think it started out with “I can’t believe this glass of wine was only $3″  He said: ” I know, this beer was only $3.50″…. The Elks Lodge man, they are AWESOME.  We spoke for quite a while.  I remember seeing him when football conditioning happened in August, but I never saw him at the games.  Turns out, he is a forest ranger and is gone 6 days a week.  He only sees his family one day a week…THINK ABOUT THAT…. He had accrued vacation days and is getting some time off until February 1, which is so wonderful.  I remember this man when football just started.  His son Sean had never played football, in fact his Sean is quite a baseball player. I believe some kind of an All Star.  Played all his life.  I remember his father being a bit nervous for his son at the beginning of the year. During the banquet his son was quiet, just sitting by his parents, very patient, never said a peep.  All the boys at our table were very quiet and well behaved, and this think was long….

The Burbank Vikings lost one if it’s players in March, a true angel on Earth, Donnovan Castellanos.  The “All Heart Never Quit Award”, in memory of Donnovan was awarded to Sean Moreno tonight.  I have posted the link to the video on this page and the tribute to Donnovan Castellanos as pictures on this post.  In the future I may rewrite it (with author credits) so it is clearer to read, but honestly I don’t think I could get through it with out breaking down.  To Donnovan and his best friend Sean.  Life can be horrific.  There is absolutely no benefit to Donnovan being taken so early.  There is NO beneficial explanation why his parents should have lost their son.  All I know is Donnovan is and had always been an angel here on earth, and his best friend Sean, who played for him this year will never let the world forget him.  My hope is that both the parents of Donnovan and Sean walk with their heads high and proud until the end of time as they raised AMAZING human beings.

I am grateful beyond words for my “hamster wheel” and I hope it never stops spinning.

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You know YOUR body… keeping looking for YOUR doctor

This was me two years ago. I was sick. I was sick for years. Not feeling well and exhausted 75% of the day was the normal. This started years ago and has progressively gotten worse as I have gotten older. EVERYONE I knew thought I was crazy…. This was all in my head. “Just get up” “work out” “eat better” “you’re just depressed”.. I would get EVERYONES sicknesses. I had zero immune system. My doctor made me feel like it was all in my head because of my family’s history with depression. The thousands I spent on blood tests were “at normal levels”. My thyroid was borderline and it was being watched for two years before he FINALLY put me on thyroid medication. It helped a little. I reached out to my wonderful neighbors about doctors they would recommended and I was lucky enough to find the woman doctor of my dreams. (note I had even went to a holistic doctor who diagnosed me with Hashimotos Disease a test my regular doctor never did- another story- tried stuff with him- didn’t work.) My new woman doctor did all her blood tests, acknowledged my Hashimotos Disease and explained how it is a “real thing” and how every thing in the body is connected and if one thing is off it affects other things. She loves to draw me diagrams:) She put my on vitamin D and Iron pills, changed my thyroid medication. Things take time and my energy was getting a little better…. but still requiring twelve hours of sleep a day was not normal. Then “IT” happened….January 17, 2015 I ate bad sushi and received the gift of tapeworms. I know this because my dogs had it. (TMI- you see what looks like rice in your poop) At first however, I thought it was the flu, plus I got sick constantly…. It was the normal. “Mom is in bed again… she’s sick AGAIN”. It really got to the point I thought it was all in my head and I was crazy….. THANK GOODNESS for the proof in the poop (even though however “the poop test” that the doctors did came back negative- happens A LOT and it is a ridiculous test.) For days I thought I was dying. It initially hit me like a brick wall two days after the sushi. I couldn’t think. I had a fever. My gut was killing me. I had runny poop. I went to bed for two days straight. I tried to fight it. I got an acting job and I did it. I don’t know how. I don’t know how I made it home and then again I slept for days continuously. We went to Disney on my daughters birthday 7 days later and I seriously thought of calling myself an ambulance. I spent two days laying on benches around Disney all day. Again I thought,”mom, ME, gets sick ALL the time… it is what it is”. Then though I was seeing the shit in my shit and the light bulb went off. My WONDERFUL new woman doctor saw me the next day. I DO NOT KNOW HOW I DROVE THERE. I wanted to die. I cried in her office. She had another patient that about six months earlier had parasites with the same symptoms. The woman ended up passing out and going to the hospital when she was out of town in New York. My wonderful doctor gave me a prescription and AGAIN, I dont know how, but I drove back to the pharmacy by my house to fill it. They did NOT have it and would have to order it for the next day. I lost it. I started sobbing. They called around and said another pharmacy had it which was about 30 minutes away. I just could not do it. I just couldn’t make it that far. I went to the hospital hoping their pharmacy could fill it. I waited 4 hours in the emergency room crying the entire time… by myself…. I was only seen by the initial triage nurse that put me as the lowest priority. They drew blood. I was never seen by a doctor. I was still billed! I left. A friend drove to Tarzana for me to fill the prescription. Two $14 pills… take one immediately and another in two weeks. After a week I still could barely get out of bed even though I did feel better and the constant diarrhea had stopped. The pill was working… however… I was still concerned. My WONDERFUL woman doctor refereed me to a gastro dude who gave me a little different pill… again like $14… take one now and another in 2 weeks. He said I wasn’t crazy and that really is aALL I wanted to hear from him. I couldn’t think. My brain was in a fog for weeks. I could have had parasites in my brain as well. He scheduled a colonoscopy, but my out of pocket would have been over $2,000 with this doctor and it was recommended that I find a doctor in my insurance network. THIRTY days later when I finally saw the new guy I told him I was feeling better and he snottily asked why I was there then….. I was speechless. It took a month for me to “not worry I was going to die and really getting better”…. another month until I could have a normal routine. Now after 11 months I feel better than I have in years and I am still seeing improvements. My WONDERFUL woman doctor I see regularly and has put me on new vitamins and recently “the pill” to regulate my period and my estrogen because I am peri-menopause and before my period I was CRAZY. Crying, emotional nightmare and it was getting worse each month. I knew she would not think I was crazy. I knew she would LISTEN. She applauded my for coming to see her. AGAIN I cried in her office. I’m on 9 different vitamins and pills, but again I feel better then I have in years. My Vitamin D and Iron is on Point, my thyroid numbers are better, even my Hashimoto numbers have improved. I could tell you all that even with out the blood work. I feel like a human again. I feel better. I have been needing less and less sleep in order to function. Now, I have traveled all over the globe. I ALWAYS try new foods… mistake apparently. I really think I have had parasites for years. I think I got them in Mexico on my first honey moon 20 years ago. I did A LOT of research and parasites are so overlooked in this country its incredible. A $14 pill….. could have given me such a better life and saved me thousands of dollars. My really crashing sicknesses would kind of come in cycles. The other patient of my doctor who had a parasite that particular parasite would come out every 7 years. I don’t know what parasites I had, but I know I had some… a lot… because now I can say I AM BETTER. My kids get sick and now I actually don’t get it a hundred times worse.. I dont even get it at all. I know SEVERAL friends who are not well and do not know what is going on. They are made to feel like it is all in their head and that they are crazy. WE KNOW OUR BODIES. I implore people to keep looking for that doctor that will listen. I might have had 20 years with parasites but at least I know I’ll have another 20 with out them. (Note: every 6 months I do the two pills just to make sure I wiped them out.) – *there can be side effects. This is not everyone’s cure. It helped me. It might not help you…. but keep looking… reading.. researching. xo