How OCD saved my live.

I always said my children saved my life, and that is true.  I don’t think I would have made it with out them.  However, this past month being gone in Montana and then back in my home state of Illinois has brought me insight.  Two days ago going through some of my stuff in a closet at my moms house, and seeing everything spread out made me think with new eyes.  Remembering the hoarders marathon I saw in Montana and going through that house, it all started making sense.  Now, I KNOW I collected dolls because when my father committed suicide and set the attic on fire most of my childhood toys were destroyed.  I wanted my childhood back.  I was mad that I put all of those toys up there that carried so many memories. I should have kept them in my room.  I should have treasured them, just like I should have treasured my father.  Now I have dolls coming out of my ears! A hundred Barbie dolls, fifty or more porcelain dolls.  Some dolls and stuffed animals were still in my room at the time of the fire.  They were smoked damaged, but they were cleaned and I still have all of them too.  They all came out of the closet at my moms house.  In Montana it was way easier.  All the Barbie dolls I just rolled my eyes at and put in bins, I left the porcelain dolls in a case, I’ll deal with that later.  Yes, I want to pass the dolls on to my daughter, but she only needs so many… she doesn’t even have an interest in them!  I have started giving them to friends when they have daughters.  I like that.  Its fun.  However at my mothers house……. I CAN NOT put my childhood dolls and toys on the donation pile.  I can not do it.  I looked in a bin that had all my favorite dolls as a child and I just said, ” Oh boy”, couldn’t breathe, and walked away from the project. JUST LIKE the people did on the hoarders marathon!  Too overwhelming.

The next morning I was laying in bed thinking.  I know I OCDed out on the dolls.  I know I OCDed out when I bred bunnies.  I had hundreds.  I have a thing for shoes still.  Then it hits me: What would I have done with out all of these things…things that I obsessed over.  A doll or bunny, or pair of shoes I had in my mind constantly until I got it?  I would have been in such a deep dark depression.  I would have never stopped thinking about my dad, the things that happened the 8 months leading up to his death, the horrible three days before, the day of, me walking around the gym with my friends telling them I hated him when he was already dead, being told in the principals office what happened with my mom and grandfather, seeing the look in my grandmas eyes when I came to the house, me watching his body come out of the house in a body bag being loaded into the ambulance……. I would have never stopped.  It would have killed me.  Focusing on one item, one goal was enough to keep me going.  I got that doll, that was great, but now I need another rabbit.  I have a job at a gas station, a bunny business, I go to school, but now I need to open a tanning salon, buy a house, and get married.  I won a pageant? Well, now I need to do another and then make 100 appearances. I’m bored… I need to leave everything behind including my family, move to California with a new husband, and start modeling and acting.  This way of thinking kept me going and going until I was just tired at 24, 8 years after my fathers death.  I broke down, my health ruined.  I started therapy.

Now it is still there.  I have cried myself to sleep too many nights in Illinois…. and Montana.  My mom has bought me 6 pairs of shoes since I’ve been here.  You know what…??? I don’t care … It helps.  $150 in shoes is cheaper than therapy.  I know what’s wrong with me.  I don’t know if I can let go of that bin of childhood dolls though.  It’s too hard.  All the dolls I got after I was 16 is no problem.  I will continue to give those away…..  but that bin…..that bin of 8 dolls….. I don’t think any amount of shoes could get me to do it.

http://www.amazon.com/Left-Behind-Suicide-Survivor-Releasing-ebook/dp/B00KVHAJDU

 

Lost Love- Finding myself through men

All that matters in life is love. Love is the most important thing. We all have heard this time and time again, and to a certain extent we believe it, but there are always doubts along the way. We NEED a new car even though our current one is just fine. I HAVE to have these pair of shoes, even though I have 95 pairs. If we gave enough love and were given enough love would we need that new car or more shoes? What is enough love? I am loved deeply and fully by my children. I could never ask for any more pure, incredible love. They saved my life. Why is it that I just want that much love to be given to me in a partner? I have found that Im finding who I am through men. I have always sought out a partner… since before kindergarten… I wanted a man, a confidont, the love of my life. Someone to share my soul with. In my chase for the unattainable I have gotten close with many of the opposite sex and due to my persistence they did share a lot of themselves with me right up to the point they pushed me away and sometimes after. Even later in life connections revistted to try an answer questions of who each other is.. or was.

It is a daugntless task to find someone to share your soul with. Most just can not handle that much of a connection or that much honesty. It scares them. I have never been afraid to share my soul, but I fear my soul is too overwhelming for most to see, feel, hold.

I am always willing to bend, modify, try again for relationships that aren’t meant to be. I will keep trying until I am just hurt one too many times being denied love and then I will cry and fade away. I will lose the connection I so tried to keep from severing. Once it is gone there is no sodering it back. No appologies that can undue that much pain and hurt. Overwhlmed with not being loved I either retreat into my tears or passionately look to fill the void with another because the pain is too deep. My heart clentched by a giant while my soul is ripping away from me. The loss is like a death. Please just make this pain go away. How can anyone handle so much pain?

….and then the cycle repeats

I feel as though each time a connection come and goes I do learn more and more about who I am and who I want to be.  I learn what I am willing to change about myself and what I demand to hold on to.   I also learn that men have feeling too.  Even if they can be harsh, they can also be hurt by words too.

I believe I evolve each time and learn big lessons.  Sometimes, most times, I wish that the lessons will just stop, my heart will be full, and there will no need to look any further.

 

twilight

I’m crying but you can’t hear me.
My face is swollen but you can’t see me.
All I see is darkness.
All you see is light.
In this never ending twilight.
I understand your opinion.
But I can’t get past mine.
A storm is rumbling in my heart.
Tearing at my soul.
Breaking it apart.
I do not know if a wish on a shooting star will work.
I just wish you would reach out to me.
Or just hold me to your heart.

The wave of Depression

It just folds over me. I’ve been fighting and holding it back all day. I lost the battle yet again. At 2:38 in the morning I just want to run. I want to go home or lock myself in the Looney bin. The pain grips my chest. Tears flow. The roof of my mouth swells. I know this will go away. I know I was happy…. Really happy just two days ago. I can rationalize it. I understand it.. but I can’t push it back. I know it is being here….in Illinois…the state where I grew up in a wonderful picture perfect dream of a childhood. I know that dream changed. My dad’s personality changed. I can understand the past, his suicide, but I can not accept what I lost. I just want to go back. I just want it all back. I love my kids and I love my life now. However, I just know what I lost. I lost part of my soul. I lost part of my joy. But when I try to get it back it’s too painful and I push it away like I push most people away. I must keep a safe distance.
I want to go home, to a home that no longer exists.
I want to go back to a childlike joy I will never feel again.
I ….don’t know what I want….
I don’t know.

Snake video

 

The rattlesnake almost killed my puppy.  The puppy had venom on it.  The snake was in my yard which has a “snake proof fence”……

This is me picking it up after I killed it because I am stupid.

 

It’s not about winning for me. It’s about getting picked.

I was soooooo stupidly excited and happy that I was chosen to be a contestant on The Pyramid game show. I had to go through two rounds of auditions and tests and then on taping day I still wasn’t assured a spot. They overbook every show and there were 4 of us out of the 12 that would not get to play. I was so nervous and after three shows of not getting picked I knew that the odds were not in my favor. I had accepted it. I got Damn far. Farther than I ever have trying to get on a game show….my dream. Ever since I was little my grandmother and I would watch game shows. We loved them. To be on one…omg crazy!!!
When my name got called it was like a dream. I almost passed out. The game was everything I could have ever wished for. The guy I played against was the best player they had all season. He made it to the winners circle the first time by getting 7 out of 7 all three rounds. The next three rounds I could have lost my confidence, I could have coward to his awesomeness… But I did NOT. I was not going out with out a fight. It was a MIRACLE that I made it to the winners circle to play for $25,000 but I did! I made a bad decision by giving clues. I should have had my partner give the clues because she was so experienced playing the game. I made a couple mistakes and didn’t win the $25,000, but I won $2,200 and I was ECSTATIC.
I was surprised when the show aired so many people I knew were sad for me and disappointed that I did not win the $25,000. It wasn’t the winning the $25,000 for me. It was getting picked to play the game. It was getting 7 out of 7 a couple times and making it to the winners circle. I did it! I made it into the winners circle on The Pyramid! That is CRAZY.
Every time I get an audition it is a miracle, a blessing. For every part posted around 2,000 people are submitted for it with in the first 20 minutes. Only 8-30 people will be chosen to audition in most cases.
We all need to be happy more about blessings that happen to us even if it is not a grand prize or even getting a job. You were chosen. It was close. Many many others did not get as far as you. Never give up. Keep on going. Eventually you will get the top prize even if it’s not what you thought that top prize would be.


Recently my kids and I were chosen to be contestants on Family Game night on the HUB. Again I could not believe we were chosen. Again, it was like a dream being called down. I stressed with the kids before we got there that if we were chosen its not about what we win, it’s about the experience and having fun. We had a blast. Sedona got a chip out playing Operation and Jett knocked 4 light bulbs out playing Ski ball. We won $400 too. In the bonus round everyone that played picked a code at random and the winning code would play for more money and potentially a car. While we waited for them to set up my daughter wished the people next to us luck and when the mother and daughter were picked we were happy for them and congratulated them after. My daughter said to me:” I’m happy that they won. They looked like they deserved it”. My son chimed in with :”Yeah”. Now THAT was winning for me. I raised great kids.

The Pyramid game show Vanessa Bednar on the Pyram…: http://youtu.be/bojiqBtEEJM

Truly me

I am not even close to kind of normal, “perfect” will never be one of my traits. I have more days where I am like an emotional rollercoaster than anyone else I know. No one may notice….. But trust me, its in my head. About a week ago I blogged on my depression, now I could blog about being happy. I can have extreme highs and lows, which is probably a touch of hereditary bi-polar depression. I know when I am low….and it is PAINFUL to crawl my way out of it. When I’m too happy I know I annoy people. My goal was to be right in the middle, but I think I secretly like who I am.
Who I am….. I read an important blog on a woman happy with exactly who she is today. It was quite powerful. She dismissed someone’s asshat’s opinion of her that she was dating. It made me think… I have to ROUTINELY dimsmiss people’s opinions on some of the things I do. It’s always the people you are close to that feel comfortable enough to tell you something right to your face, or roll their eyes at you, or demand you change something about yourself. I CONTINUALLY seriously listen to their opinions, think about it, and then just stick to my guns. (Unless I am hurting someone/ am wrong). I know soooo many people that put on different faces for different people. I can see it because I used to do it, thinking different faces would make different people happy. Now, I’m sure I still do it a little…..don’t want to shock the president right away when I meet him:). I can play normal! However, it’s just too tiring to try to make everyone happy all the time…..and IMPOSSIBLE.
I find that since I’ve really let go and really been me, just throwing it all out there….. Not only have I increased my friend base 1,000 fold, but more and more opportunities come to me because people know what they are getting. I’ve typecast myself as myself, and I love it. I have more support now than I ever have, even if some of that support questions things I do, they are always still there. Plus when I do stick to my guns and am RIGHT, it’s a tiny bit FANTASTIC to say “Hmmm…how bout that 😜?”.  I had an amazing opportunity come to me today.  It came to me not only because I’m myself, but I’ve worked for 4 hard years training and working every job I could to gain experience and skill.  I was my own free intern, sometimes paid, but would show up even if I wasn’t.  I showed up. I was myself. I used to tell all my girls on stage that they needed “relaxed confidence”.  That was the most important skill.  When I am truly myself and show it magical things happen.IMAG2348
So today maybe I will shave my other leg, or maybe I will continue with my leg hair growing experiment…. I haven’t decided, but when I do it will be MY decision.

My Biological Clock….

I will be 40 November 4th. I CANNOT believe this as I still don’t think I’m old enough to vote. I’m supposed to be responsible enough to raise my spawn? Hell to the NO! I don’t even think I should be allowed to make my own decisions. I want to go back and live with my parents when I was 10. Please feed me and do my laundry…..but wait…I also want to drive, and have my own car and do what I want……FUCK… Adulthood is a trap!
At 30, when I gave birth to my second child I KNEW that two kids was all I could handle. I still came unglued when they would cry. I couldn’t stand when they were in pain. I felt like a knife was being imbedded in my heart and twisted. I had the doctor sodder my tubes… Not just ” tied” but cut and then burned. I knew I could not be a good mother to more than two kids. While I don’t think I “attach” as much as I should to that mother -child bond immediately, because of my father’s suicide, I still can NOT handle my children being in any kind of pain or crying. It is like daggers to my soul.
Yet here at a KOA campsite 10 years later I hear this one year old crying at the tent site RIGHT next to ours and I think to myself…” I want one…or twins.. or three of them….I WANT THEM!” ,I know the poor mother is probably ridden with guilt and shame knowing that her child is keeping up the entire campground at midnight… But I still want more babies. I swear my body has fake pregnancies every month even if I don’t have sex. Some times I think maybe I am Mary…. I want a baby.
I thought I was Alone in this until I spoke to a friend of mine who can no longer have kids. She said the same thing happened to her around 40….. So haha….. Suck it society…THIS IS NORMAL…..I AM NORMAL…FOR ONCE….AND I WANT BABIES!!!