I have so many days of the year that I dread because people I loved died on them. Today, May 2 is the 25th anniversary of my fathers suicide….Wow…. and it gets more painful every year. I am afraid to go to sleep because I dream of talking to my dad, asking him for advice, childhood memories that are just too happy, and dreams of just loss and being alone. I also do have flashbacks of our fighting and some memory dreams are just too painful that I get a panic attack and wake up crying. The panic attacks last for hours.
My mother used to force me to go to the Marriott Linconshire Resort for the week end on the anniversary deaths for a few years. I just didn’t want to go, but I know what she was trying to do. Now that I am older and death anniversaries bother me more I have been starting to do things on those days to change my fixation that those days are always bad.
My birthday was never a good day. My father refused to come in the kitchen and sing Happy Birthday to me for my 16th Birthday. Every November 4th after that was never the same. It was never a day of joy, just one I wished I would forget. When I turned 38 I tried to change that and planned my own birthday party. People actually showed up and I had too much of a good time, so I threw an even bigger one for my 40th and it was even better. So while I will always remember that 16th birthday, the bad memory fades when I think about my 40th birthday.
I found out about a year and a half ago that my first husband threw himself in front of a train three years ago. He left behind two young children. I am still in shock and I am sure the guilt nightmares will start in a few years. I can not believe after what he knew I went through with my fathers suicide he would do that to his children. However, that might have been the point in my life that I really did not share with anyone that part of my life. I was ashamed, embarrassed, guilty….. I have such sadness for his family. They are good people. Todd and I were married on April 15, 1995, Tax Day. I always remember every detail from that day. Now I needed something else on that day, so this year on April 16th I threw and after the Tax Day party. I planned it for about 4 months. Yes, I know, Crazy, but I needed it. I needed something fun for my brain to fixate on, or it will fixate on bad shit. The party was great, but sure enough, as soon as it is over and I don’t have anything to fixate on the nightmares start.
Which leads to this date, May 2, the day my father died. I can’t have parties all the time, but as an actor in this modern age of technology I can keep myself busy writing and filming ridiculous sketches that really only a handful of my friends watch. I launched my latest sketch today. I promoted it for weeks that it was going to launch May 1st, but I thought May 1st was today….. so here I am on my fathers death anniversary launching a ridiculous sketch on Youtube.
My therapist would tell me: “Just try to make it through the day.” Well this is how I do it;). I hope this makes at least one sad person laugh, even if just for a minute. Let’s make it through the day together.
Vanessa Bednar 
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