This is Suicide

Apparently today is suicide prevention day…..so I will share….BUT NO COMMENTS….(not your fault, brave, blah blah) or I’m not going to share again. I know life can be Shitty. I get depressed all the time….however….you just have to suck it up….and I know how excruciatingly hard it can be. I’ve been so depressed that it is physically and mentally painful. It’s like my soul was put into a vice and squeezed and as I get older it gets worse. Know that if you end your life you are not just ending your life, but PERMENENTLY altering everyone that loves you’s life too. Even the people that you think hate you will be damaged. Because everyone is going to feel guilt and wonder what they could have done to stop you. If you just wouldn’t have had that fight…..If you just would have accepted that offer to go out to lunch…. The “if onlys” will drive anyone crazy. Yesterday at the hair place random memories flooded my brain when my hair was being washed. My mind flashed back to when i was a kid and I used to go to the mall with my dad to get his hair cut, dance class, get a slice of pizza, the confectionery, red laces, and when he used to take me to Hallmark after dance class and I could pick out stickers for my “very cool” sticker collection. My memories are good ones, of my dad smiling and laughing and we just had fun hanging out. Then the sadness swoops in because I just can’t allow myself to be that happy like I was in those memories. Because WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I don’t understand what happened to my dad. He shot, hung himself and set our house on fire? It is not possible and aliens must have swept down and swapped him out. Or how much did I influence his change? I defied him…. I left the house… I said horrible things to this great man that gave me everything… I lied… I was cruel…. We had a horrible fight….We weren’t speaking when he died… Some 24 years later and the why’s still haunt me. (Now here’s where everyone that loves me freaks out- yes I know he was an adult, I was a teenager, would you blame your daughter, it was his choice) yes, yes…. I know…. But unless you experienced THE EXACT things I did just shut it. No amount of therapy is going to make my brain understand what happened. The more time that goes by the more happy memories my brain is allowing me to remember. I used to not be able to see his face. Now I can. The happy memories are EXCRUCIATING. but I am really really trying to enjoy them, because I want to know that I was really really happy once upon a time and not just making it through the day. Slowly maybe that pure joy can come back. But it is painful…. Whenever I’m too happy I worry something bad will happen, especially to my kids… So my brain tells me not to be too happy…..tone it down… Because WHEN something bad happens it’s better to fall from a shorter ladder…..if I’m too happy the ladder is too high and it’s more painful to fall off of. Which is totally ridiculous I know….I KNOW…. So…. Don’t ruin other people’s lives because you think yours sucks. Double up on your Prozac, just get out of the house and walk around the block, pet a puppy. I am a prime example of the aftermath of suicide. My kids will never know their grandfather. They will never really get that he wasn’t crazy his entire life… And I will have to cry every time memories surface of a great loving man that always took me to buy stickers after dance class….. I mean it…no comments…. Or texts….mother…

2016 Update

This stupid day again. I wrote this last year. I don’t know if this day does anything to help. It should be talk about Suicide with everyone you know day because it is such a taboo subject nothing is going to change unless it is talked about openly. There is so much shame tied to it, yet every single person I know has been horribly sad some time in their lives…. a man just attempted on my block. It’s hush hush. It’s a choice. We all have them. Do we stay or do we go. If you are elderly, alone, dying, in pain and you want to end it I actually am for people’s choice to end it, if it is done in a way that won’t harm others for the rest of their lives. However, when you involve other people, have family and friends that love you, this is what you are “choosing” to do.

White Male Privilege

Not so long ago rich bullies who either couldn’t get a woman by being a gentleman or were too disgusting could just buy one. This woman he now owned he could rape at any time, beat, abuse.  She was his property. Any children that came of people that he owned he could not only rape, but have his friends rape too with no consequences.  If he was married to a nice well bred white woman he could still rape those he owned and a blind eye was turned, for he was a powerful white male, one who you wanted to be in good favor with as maybe he owned a lot of land or businesses in town. He was rich. People admired his wealth, power and strength and some wanted to be him. His children blindly followed in his foot steps out of fear or tradition.

My father and both of my grandparents were strong white males. While they never owned people nor did any of their lineage to my knowledge, they were still the kings of their castles. Admiration was given to stronger white males more powerful or higher raking than them. My grandfathers and father were loving men, kind to me.  I was never beaten.  However, when challenged by a woman, child or someone they considered inferior in a certain way, they would get visibly upset.  Children of white males were supposed to obey. Period. Girls especially… boys to follow in the fathers footsteps. Girls to marry strong white males and obey them …. even if treated badly? Maybe? Divorce…not an option… frowned upon, not recognized by the church.  Must be the woman’s fault. When challenged and then angered I think this was more of just a complete non understanding of why?  Traditions of obeying your elders passed down generation after generation.  The years wore on and everyone was becoming more and more equal, STILL how they were raised and their fathers were raised bled through. Their word should rule. Why are they being challenged? We still see this male dominance through out the world.  There is still slavery, child trafficking, rape.  We Americans look down on other countries because we are so evolved. Are we? Some rapists, murderers, child molesters get shorter sentences than some drug offenders. White male offenders routinely get shorter prison time than black male offenders for any crime.

In my eyes those with money and power are still looked up to and admired no matter what wrong they have done. A blind eye is turned because they are rich and successful, even if they had to ruin others to do it.  Business isn’t personal right?  It’s still OK for old white men to cast out their older wives for a new one. The old ones are just crazy or unfit, and as long as they are given money to move on…  it’s all good.

There is a man running for president that is a classic white, male bully.  He is admired by many because he is rich, powerful, any has a beautiful wife.  He is valued by becoming successful even if that meant ruining others that weren’t as rich or as powerful.  He makes fun of people, steps on people, says hurtful things to innocent people and a blind eye is turned. When challenged is ruthless or a big baby even denying press credentials or refusing interviews by women. He has denied equal housing rights to people, his immigration stand does not apply to his current foreign wife, his ties and debts to foreign governments are overlooked. He even bad mouthed the Pope.  He is a strong white male.  He is the king of his castle. Has timed changed that much in 200 years? In 50?  I am currently watching the series Outlander.  It doesn’t seem like times have changed much at all.  Strong white males are becoming a minority and they know it.  This is their last stand.  It is time they step down, they have done enough damage, but they won’t, so its time to run them down.