I’m Pro Choice, but I regret my abortion…

I guess it’s really that simple.  Every one should have the right to choose what happens to them… Sometimes we don’t.  Accidents happen… good and bad.  Some women are raped; definitely not a choice.  For me, I was 17 and got pregnant in my car on Valentines Day.  My father had killed himself the previous year.  I was still a mess.  My boyfriend and I thought terminating the pregnancy was the best decision.  I had just started community college.  We could not even imagine how our families would react with disappointment and shame.  We were just not ready to be parents.

The day of the abortion was horrible.  This is not something you do lightly and for fun.  This is a moment in life that will be etched in your mind forever.  Giving them a fake name, filling out paperwork with fake information worried we would get busted at anytime.  Going back in the waiting room by myself with the other knocked up girls.  The waiting.  Seeing the girl before me come out after hers was done with her shirt covered in blood.  She looked like a zombie.  My turn, and I would be awake for the entire thing because we didn’t have enough money for the anesthesia. The doctor joking with me while my legs were spread open in the stir ups because the fake name I gave rhymed with sex.  The pain.  The uncomfortable pain.  The noise of the vacuum.  Going back in the waiting room with the girls to rest on a cot to make sure I wouldn’t die before they kicked me out.  Then the after.  The shame.

My boyfriend and I broke up about 7 months later.  About two years later I found out he had a baby with another girl.  I sobbed.  Why not with me? I was hysterical.

Jump to when I chose to have kids.  At the 12 week ultra sound I saw my son sucking his thumb.  I was shocked.  He was already a person.  I think for the abortion I had to wait until I was 8-10 weeks,  I will forever think I killed my baby.

However, I STILL believe every woman has the right to chose.  She and she alone will have to live with the choice she made and carry the loss for a lifetime.  If a woman is raped how can anyone expect her to keep it?  Tell her she has to.  She was forced to have sex now she is being forced into an 18 to life commitment. Raising a child is HARD.  It is harder than I ever imagined it would be. When they were babies I thought it was hard.  You could at least control them a little.  Stick them in a playpen for a while.  When they want to do things like cross the street or go to the mall with friends? Get ready for the nervous heart attack. I love my children more than anything.  They are the reason I breathe.  I believe there is no point to life unless we have kids and pass whatever we know on.  However, How many children are in foster care or waiting to be adopted? Too many.  Every Pro life wing nut should have to adopt an unwanted child before they are allowed to hold up a protest sign.

If I had chosen to keep my first baby my life would have been completely different.  I have been blessed to do extraordinary things that would not have been possible if I had a child. However, when I look at my two children and see how amazing they are, I wonder what kind of an amazing child I gave up, and I wouldn’t hesitate to give up all my experiences back to have the child back.  Because…. well I’m over all the experiences.  I had fun…. but it’s over and did it all really matter? I’m now sitting here at my computer almost 41.  Excitement and travel ends.  I’d still be here numerous scenarios later. Seeing my kids grow up and experience things gives me much more joy than remembering a trip to Italy. Because they are here, right in the next room and they never leave.  Even when they go off to college Ill still “have them”. Children are the most important experience….. But for some women they are “when they are ready”. or never at all and that is their CHOICE..

Stop the hate.  Everyone has a story. Work on yourselves before you punish others for their beliefs.


Every loss is NOT Gods plan. Best thing I have ever read about loss -Tim J Lawrence

This is probably THE BEST thing I have ever read about grief and loss, and I’ve probably read hundreds of books and articles and such. I’ve been struggling a lot with this lately and I said to a friend TODAY that is going through a hard time: “Most things happen for a reason”. I really mess with my brain and try to figure life out constantly. I’m not any closer than when I started. I have a whole ying and yang problem….. Because I am a coincidence junkie…. And magnet…. All the time crazy shit happens; like me telling my friend a couple hours ago that “most things” happen for a reason and then finding this in my news feed. Or scrolling through my news feed and an actor pops up that I’ve worked with once the exact same time he’s shown on the TV show I’m watching for a split second. For me coincidences tell me that I am on the right path in my life. However, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason and this can bother some of my religious friends. I do not believe everything that happens is”God’s Plan”. If you are religious you know that God gave us the power of choice…. Meaning…. We can chose wrong. I believe we all have a sixth sense and we all know the golden rule and the difference between right and wrong ( now granted some people have extreme mental issues and don’t know the difference, but that’s another subject). I also do not believe that any child was “supposed” to be taken by God. There is no way God could be that cruel. A nun actually told my friend who lost a child moments after that she could “Always have another one”…. To me that nun was Satan and I could have killed her right then and been completely justified. There is NO WORSE pain than losing a child. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy…. And I haven’t even felt it… But I’ve seen it. I have been through a lot of loses and the only ones that don’t bother me are when old people die…. I can go along with God taking them and that being his plan. It’s natural part of life. Going back to “Some times we just choose wrong”; we do… And sometimes that causes death… Texting while driving, bullying, gun violence. We need to take responsibility for when we do choose wrong. And we need to let people grieve BUT BE PRESENT when they are getting through a loss. This writer was spot on. “We learn to carry the loss”. I have had a life I never would have had if my father wouldn’t have committed suicide. I became many different people, travelled all over the world, did things I never would have had the courage to do. Plus I’ve helped people… Lots of them…I know it in my heart. However I also hardened and became reckless and it’s something I’ve really had to watch to protect myself so I don’t do something too stupid, die, and leave my kids like dad left me and ruined my life. The nightly nightmares. The constant wondering Why? And the survivors guilt is happening for the reason of me trying to figure out how to carry the load… Carry on…. But it is NOT God’s plan. I have to find a way to live with the fight my father and I had 3 days before he died. His suicide was his choice. He was the parent. There was something wrong with him. However, I have to learn how to carry the load and I will never say my father ending his life was “God’s Plan”. That was my father’s CHOICE. That was the free will God gave him. Just as it was my free will to lie and pick a fight with him…… But when I go back to my beliefs in coincidences…. They just can’t be shrugged off… So maybe I see them when I am choosing right…..


I grew up in the 90’s which was “apparently” a great time for music…..

I say “apparently” because I am an asshole and pretty music oblivious.  I only have 12 songs on my Youtube playlist and half of them are Miranda Lambert and Katy Perry songs.  I listen to whatever is on the radio on the top 40 stations and country music station.  I of course blame this on my parents whom would not let me watch music videos or by tapes when I was a kid.  I didn’t know who AC/DC was until my first boy friends group of friends loaned me a tape in high school.  Then I tried really really hard to get into music… I did play the flute in band in Junior High, Played the guitar a couple years and was in the Choir a couple years in High School, so “in my mind” I was pretty hip….. However, playing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” on repeat on my stereo I FINALLY got for my birthday really didn’t mean I knew shit.

As it turns out, I went to high school with some pretty kick ass people.  Some of whom were in a band called Sidekick Kato.  The band was together for over ten years and had a major influence on other bands, one which includes Rise Against McIlrath.  I feel completely ridiculous that I had no idea this was going on.  I admit punk rock wasn’t my thing… however, I always thought boys in rock bands were hot so…. I really really missed out.  Shout out to my classmates from Maine West High School in Des Plaines, Illinois; Tom Anderson, Jason Dean, and Joe Campagna. I hope in one way or another music is still in your life.

I spoke with Tom yesterday and music is still very much in his life.  He is currently in the band Adolescent Apes, working on solo music, and also the sound track to a movie.  I hope one day he can do the sound track on one of mine.  A talented guy with so much passion for music.  Music is in his soul.  It is great to hear someone talk about something they love so much, something that they need to do to live.  Something that actually gives them life.  I feel the same way about my passion.  Follow your dreams everyone…… Even if you are 40 like us.  “Real jobs” might be needed to support your quest.  You might never make any money from it, and numerous people will tell you to grow up.  However, just tell them to fuck off and continue on, because it makes you happy and your drive and passion DOES inspire others.

More about the band below.

Spin Magazine Rise Against McIlrath


Adolescent Apes