Enjoying the life YOU chose

We all made certain choices and decisions that lead to where we are in your life right now.  Understanding that there are some aspects in our lives that are not in our control such as illness, death of loved ones, unexpected job loss, natural disasters, accidents, and so forth.  All of these things  and others that are of course not our fault.  However what are the things we chose, that we own? Where we live, jobs we take, the mate we chose, the children we decide to have, the food we eat, the activities we participate in, the friends we chose to bring into our lives and therefore their influences.  All the things we do own we should really really like or we should make steps to change them.  Change is hard, but we should still enjoy the process and then once change happens we should be happy right?  Why is it then that so many times we are still searching?

I have just not been 100% myself since my grandmother died.  It’s been two months.  I know that is why I haven’t been 100% myself and I should just own that, but I have been complaining about other things.  Things that I really have no right to complain about.  Things that I chose in my life.   Complaint Example: I am not auditioning enough. Well…. I chose this life.  I chose to move from my very stable comfortable life in Montana and chose to pursue a career in acting.  Granted I had lost my job/ career of 10 years, but I was happy about that.  For 10 years I complained that I wanted to move back to LA and pursue acting.  My own words : ” I don’t care if I just do background work every day….. I just want to be there.  Get me off this mountain.”  So when I really thought about that…. I got what I wanted and it was HARD.  Finding a house, getting a loan, moving, changing kids schools, changing our life styles, leaving my best friend, finding new friends, finding classes, a manager, an agent, submitting to anything to get footage for me reel and current credits.  It was all HARD….., but I did it.  I worked and got what I wanted.  So to revisit my complaining:  I am not auditioning enough.  Well, I made a choice per my managers wished to stop submitting to everything under the sun on LACasting and Actorsaccess that is non union, or doesn’t pay because she wants to make sure I am available when SHE gets me something that is Union and pays good.  I understood the logic and I agreed to it.  I made a choice.  Therefore the logic is that I can’t get mopy and bitter.  What can I do?  Well, I can still submit myself for stuff that shoots on the week ends, or things that my manager might not see, like low budget Sag features.  I can take classes at night to keep my skills up.  I can act in my friends projects for free to help them, but also keep my game up. I can write and produce my own projects.  I spent thousands of dollars on Improv training, so I could use those skills and reform an Improv or a Sketch team.  Yeah, my last two.. or three disintegrated, but thats what they do, and you start over until one doesn’t.  There are things that I can do, EVERY day, but I have been lazy.  It’s easy just to complain.  It’s even easier to fall into the : “I suck and no one wants me mojo.”  It’s the easy way/ excuse to use to not do anything or get out of bed…. and it’s BULLSHIT.  I know I am talented.  I know I got skills:) How many compliments do I need to get to believe it?  How much reenforcement do I need.  Yeah, I don’t get A LOT of job…. Yeah, I blow some auditions, but I also forget to show up to my kids parent teach conference now and again (today), that doesn’t make me a bad parent.  I believe in myself.  Sometimes I just need to remember that.  I also need to remember and enjoy and LOVE all the things in my life I chose.  I need to remember how hard I fought for them and how truly wonderful they are. My kids, my house, my job, my dogs, my bed, my TV, my garden, artwork I bought, trips I went on, life experiences I chose, the purses and shoes I just had to have.  I chose all these things because I loved them.  I need to remember to still love them, even when other things in my life are shit.

Enjoying the life we chose…. or change it…. but then love it once you do change it.  The choice is ours on how we want to perceive it.

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Writers Block or Life Block?

I haven’t written anything since December 29th, the day my grandmother died.  I just haven’ felt like it.  I haven’t felt like doing much actually.  I’ve slept a lot, and I normally sleep a lot, so it’s been noticeably even to me …. more than usual.  Now last week I was legitimacy sick a few days, and the week before, the puppies that my kids got for Christmas were sick and it was me of course on night duty.  However a big bell dinged in my head when I was confined to sitting on the couch all day/ night Saturday watching the entire season of :Orange is the new Black, because one of the puppies jumped out of my arms and broke her toes….(cut to complete shock and panic)….  The bell was when one of the veteran prisoners warned a new prisoner room mate that she does’t stand for sleeping all day pouting.  I was like: “Oh shit… that’s me.”  Now, I’ve got some good excuses, as listed above.  I can even add Hashimotos disease and newly discovered chronic mono to the list, but it all comes down to stress and how I am going to handle the life I CHOSE.  My potential literary agent told me to read a book to get me back into life after my grandmother died, so last night…like a month later I cracked it open.  It’s called: Are You Happy Now? – 10 ways to live a happy life.  I’m on page 6… so I’m really busting through it :)…… but the first chapter is: No. 1: Accept What is.  There was an exercise to put the book down let go and be.  Now I am pretty good at living in the NOW.  I have worked hard at it.  However, as I sat there and really let go I realized I was holding onto/ upset about a few things and my grandmothers death was one of them.  When death comes calling I tend to go places like: what was the point of her keeping her house perfect, her lists, her order, her being the perfect housewife and taking care of my grandfather?  She just could have sat on the couch all day…… then I go to: What is the point of anything…. Yes, I can get dark.   Well in really letting go, and being still in accepting what is now I could see that everything she did made her happy because it made all of us, her family happy.  After her death things started to get dispersed. I panicked. I thought it was being done a little hap hazardly.  This woman had spent hours… days weeks..months of her life arranging photo albums in just the perfect way to document each life event, knick nacks were carefully and thoughtfully purchased and collected, being put in just the right spot.  My thought at the time was: “My life is in these bins…take what you want.”  Thinking about it still gives me tears.  I can understand why one hears stories about after funerals people fighting over the persons possessions.  One thing can have special meaning to more than one person and one thing cast aside can have an extreme meaning to one person and none to another, creating conflict.  Things… so not important…. I of course would like nothing more than to have her back.. in her prime, being the grandma I will always remember.  However, going to bed each night seeing her picture from her teen years, a picture I never saw before she died and using her scale that she used to weigh herself on practically daily basis are comforting reminders of the joy and caring memories she bestowed on me. Stepping back into life after an important loved one has passed is hard.  But, if we didn’t step back in all life would cease.  Time not to be selfish.  Time to step back in.  I’ve got 9 more steps to go…..