Just go away…. (how I am imagining the Williams family are feeling)

Sitting out in from of my grandparents house on their steps staring at my house which was right next door. Just one firetruck and an ambulance left, probably a cop car too.  The road blocked off, but blocked off too close.  Neighbors coming to look.  Looking and the house with a hole in its roof.  Looking at the scene.  Why are they there?  They haven’t even spoken to my family in moths if not years.  They had to walk down here? Why? So THEY could feel bad?  So they could see what happened?  Why won’t they go away?  I run into my grandparents house.  I don’t want anyone to see me.  I don’t want them to give me “that look”… that: “I”M SO SORRY FOR YOU LOOK”.  Just go away.  You don’t know me.  You don’t know what it has been like the last six months.

GO AWAY!  I want to watch my father being brought out in a body bag by myself.  I want to think about running over to him before he is put into the ambulance and open the bag.  I want to see him.  It can’t be true.  He can’t have just set the house and himself on fire as he shot and hung himself.  It can’t be true.  Just go away.  i don’t want anyone here.  I know you are sorry.  I don’t need a stupid card to tell me that.  Just go away.  You didn’t come before this.  You stayed away. Please just stay away now. No phone calls, no cards, no letters, no flowers.  Just stay away.  I need time to figure this out.  I need time to blame myself, go go over and over each memory trying to find things I could have changed.  Just go away.  I need to sob into my boyfriends arms.  He was there for me.  he has been there the whole time.  I didn’t ask for you to come. Just go away.  Just go away, you will never understand.  Just go away.  Go help someone else before they are like my father, myself, my mother, my family.  It is too late for us.  Just go away.


It’s not about you…. I don’t care that you are crying…. It’s not about you…… He was not your father. He was not you. It’s not about you

Oh I feel so sorry for you.

You are shedding tears for someone you never knew.

Did you spend quiet hours in the dark with him when the pain was trapped in his head?

Did you ask him how he was doing or did you just want the funny man to make you smile?

Who made him smile when he was alone and off the stage?

Who made him smile when he was crying out in pain?

Just because you didn’t see it, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t there.

You are so sad? You are in pain? You have lost an imaginary mentor in your head? You never knew him.

What about someone you actually know? The neighbor in your building? The homeless person on your street? The veteran that just got back from war? The mother that just lost a child? You KNOW there is something that pains them.  Do you even try to talk to them?

“GO GET HELP!!” It is so easy to say.

“YOU HAVE EVERYTHING” is an easy way to lay blame.


“YOU WERE SO ADMIRED”…. but not admired by yourself.

“YOU ARE SO SELFISH. YOU LEFT BEHIND YOUR KIDS”….I can’t help them. I can’t help myself. I am a burden.

Shed tears for Mr. Williams.  Shed tears for his family. Shed tears for all the people being killed or killing themselves in the world today.  DON’T shed tears for yourself……. RIGHT NOW.. Its not about you……..

I’m so mad… thoughts on suicide… and people living in denial

I’ve changed this post like 5 times. I don’t know why, but I am so mad. I think it is part because so many people live in denial….. I’m so pissed right now at all the ignorant people in this world that just like to turn a blind eye to peoples pain…. and then it is too late. Maybe I’m just mad at myself because I did the same thing. Every 16 seconds someone commits suicide. I wish more people would take it seriously and really pay attention. Most people JUST DONT WANT TO GET INVOLVED. Lots of people I know won’t even read my book because it is too hard to hear about the pain I went through and what my father did to end his pain. People live in denial. THEY JUST DONT WANT TO KNOW. They want to keep living in their fantasy land buying their $10 Starbucks and watching TMZ For the latest gossip to judge people. Lots of people put themselves first before others. Lots of people just don’t want to hear people are even depressed. They will defriend people or block their news feeds or stop associating with the person. I wrote this book to help people that have been left behind. I wish I could keep it as free on Amazon more than every 90 days. However it is only a .99 download or free if you have Amazon prime. Every 16 seconds someone kills themselves and leaves dozens of people to mourn forever cursed with a lifetime of Pain. I wish every person cared about every death in this world. People are so shocked by Mr. Williams death because they wanted him to be happy. There is NO POSSIBLE WAY a man with that much success and a man that full of life could be ever be sad. ” Why couldn’t he count his blessings? But, he made people laugh all the time? I just don’t get it.” (things I’ve read on line) People don’t want to get it. They want to live in their perfect Utopia and get raging mad if someone dents their car or there is a fly in their house. They want to get upset over a pair of shoes they couldn’t buy and not their next door neighbor hanging themselves. I’m so mad right now.

I can just keep going… I don’t know HOW MANY improv classes I took at Second City and IOWest, how many shows I had to suck it up and perform in, and how many show I saw that used suicide as humor. Is it funny now? Was it funny then to pretend to hang yourself or shot yourself in the head?
Is it really entertainment to watch people kill themselves on TV or in movies? Why is it so much better to read fiction than non fiction? Its ok to read a novel about horrible murders, but people can read a memoir on it? It’s too real? Yeah, its real….. Real people really die and lots of people left behind are really sad for the rest of their lives. I won’t be surprised if a lot of my improv people defriend me and I really don’t care, because now you care about someone that has killed themselves? I bet suicide won’t come up in a show tonight at Second City and IOwest. What about before this? All of the other people that killed themselves every 16 seconds? What about them? Go ahead, debate me. I would like to hear your opinion.