Maybe today it can not be my fault.

Maybe today it’s ok to cry for all that I lost.

Maybe today can be about me and not him.

Maybe today can be about me and not all of them.

Maybe today will be with out guilt.

Maybe today will be with out hurt.

Maybe today the sun rose and set.

Maybe tomorrow the pain my mind will forget.


Can’t Let it Go! #AwaiianTropi

I’ve filmed lots and lots of sketches…. My friends Michael and Christina wrote, produced and directed Being Vanessa for me, which was AWESOME! Can’t Let it Go is the first production with a cast that I wrote, produced and acted in. I am very proud of this project and really think I have turned an important corner.  I still have a lot to learn, but with this project I feel like “Ok.. I’get it… I can figure this out!”  I can not wait to film my next project, Barbee Rehab in April along with TWO more episodes of Can’t Let it Go!

Thank you to all my cast, crew and supporters!! We did it!!

Enjoy! And Please like, subscribe and SHARE!!


#CarrieFisher was a trailblazer. A Titan of our time. She brought an unapologetic face to the plight of mental illness, which was shunned. Times have changed for the better little by little…While mental illness is talked about more today I specifically remember Ms. Fisher being ridiculed for being treated for her mental illness. I am glad she lived long enough to see those stigmas fade away….. George Michael…terribly harassed for being gay. I remember the tabloids. Hurtful does not begin to describe it. I know it seems like with what has transpired in the election and in certain States that we are going backwards. However, if you look at history we are clearly moving forward. When I was a child I didn’t even know what being transgender was. Now, my children have transgender friends. When I was in highschool the civil rights movement was 40 years past…. but I don’t remember any biracial couples. My children’s schools are so diverse. They don’t see color like I was taught to. The only times racial jokes are told amongst my daughters friends are by people of that race making fun of themselves. All the polls show the young believe in equality… all these old white dinosaurs just have to die out so real change for the betterment for all can happen. I believe there are still leaders in our government that were opposed to the Civil Rights movement…. who voted to keep segregation. We know there are still people in government that oppose equal rights for all Americans in regards to marriage and religious freedom. Change happens. That’s the only thing that’s guaranteed….. Big change can happen over night. But that’s rare and mostly if a traumatic event happens. However, most change is slow and we as humans are impatient. Make your voices heard. Help others. Follow the golden rule. Don’t sit idly by… Do something. Be a Carrie Fisher. Be a George Michael.

Can’t Let it Go!

Find out what all the Buzz is about!

You should never let the dream die…. especially if you are a swimsuit model!

Who are you?

I’ve never colored inside the lines. I’ve always challenged “the rules” set by other people. I’ve never just believed everything that was told to me. I’ve always listened, but not always followed. I have been told not to attempt to try numerous things, but have always done them anyway. It has always taken me more than one try to achieve the goals I have wanted to obtain, but they have never been small goals. I have not taken a lot of advice I should have because I needed to learn the lessons on my own. I have loved and lost with pain at times, but never with regrets. I have sacraficed things from myself for others in more need that I when I was told not to care. I have spoken up when I was told to shut up. I have moved forward when it would have been easier to stand still and stay where I was. I have hurt people I love and punished myself for their pain. I have at times wanted to raise the white flag in defeat, but I never have. I have always climbed back up the cliff with my finger nails. I am me and I need to never forget that. Who are you?

This is Suicide

Apparently today is suicide prevention day… I will share….BUT NO COMMENTS….(not your fault, brave, blah blah) or I’m not going to share again. I know life can be Shitty. I get depressed all the time….however….you just have to suck it up….and I know how excruciatingly hard it can be. I’ve been so depressed that it is physically and mentally painful. It’s like my soul was put into a vice and squeezed and as I get older it gets worse. Know that if you end your life you are not just ending your life, but PERMENENTLY altering everyone that loves you’s life too. Even the people that you think hate you will be damaged. Because everyone is going to feel guilt and wonder what they could have done to stop you. If you just wouldn’t have had that fight…..If you just would have accepted that offer to go out to lunch…. The “if onlys” will drive anyone crazy. Yesterday at the hair place random memories flooded my brain when my hair was being washed. My mind flashed back to when i was a kid and I used to go to the mall with my dad to get his hair cut, dance class, get a slice of pizza, the confectionery, red laces, and when he used to take me to Hallmark after dance class and I could pick out stickers for my “very cool” sticker collection. My memories are good ones, of my dad smiling and laughing and we just had fun hanging out. Then the sadness swoops in because I just can’t allow myself to be that happy like I was in those memories. Because WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I don’t understand what happened to my dad. He shot, hung himself and set our house on fire? It is not possible and aliens must have swept down and swapped him out. Or how much did I influence his change? I defied him…. I left the house… I said horrible things to this great man that gave me everything… I lied… I was cruel…. We had a horrible fight….We weren’t speaking when he died… Some 24 years later and the why’s still haunt me. (Now here’s where everyone that loves me freaks out- yes I know he was an adult, I was a teenager, would you blame your daughter, it was his choice) yes, yes…. I know…. But unless you experienced THE EXACT things I did just shut it. No amount of therapy is going to make my brain understand what happened. The more time that goes by the more happy memories my brain is allowing me to remember. I used to not be able to see his face. Now I can. The happy memories are EXCRUCIATING. but I am really really trying to enjoy them, because I want to know that I was really really happy once upon a time and not just making it through the day. Slowly maybe that pure joy can come back. But it is painful…. Whenever I’m too happy I worry something bad will happen, especially to my kids… So my brain tells me not to be too happy…..tone it down… Because WHEN something bad happens it’s better to fall from a shorter ladder…..if I’m too happy the ladder is too high and it’s more painful to fall off of. Which is totally ridiculous I know….I KNOW…. So…. Don’t ruin other people’s lives because you think yours sucks. Double up on your Prozac, just get out of the house and walk around the block, pet a puppy. I am a prime example of the aftermath of suicide. My kids will never know their grandfather. They will never really get that he wasn’t crazy his entire life… And I will have to cry every time memories surface of a great loving man that always took me to buy stickers after dance class….. I mean it…no comments…. Or texts….mother…

2016 Update

This stupid day again. I wrote this last year. I don’t know if this day does anything to help. It should be talk about Suicide with everyone you know day because it is such a taboo subject nothing is going to change unless it is talked about openly. There is so much shame tied to it, yet every single person I know has been horribly sad some time in their lives…. a man just attempted on my block. It’s hush hush. It’s a choice. We all have them. Do we stay or do we go. If you are elderly, alone, dying, in pain and you want to end it I actually am for people’s choice to end it, if it is done in a way that won’t harm others for the rest of their lives. However, when you involve other people, have family and friends that love you, this is what you are “choosing” to do.

White Male Privilege

Not so long ago rich bullies who either couldn’t get a woman by being a gentleman or were too disgusting could just buy one. This woman he now owned he could rape at any time, beat, abuse.  She was his property. Any children that came of people that he owned he could not only rape, but have his friends rape too with no consequences.  If he was married to a nice well bred white woman he could still rape those he owned and a blind eye was turned, for he was a powerful white male, one who you wanted to be in good favor with as maybe he owned a lot of land or businesses in town. He was rich. People admired his wealth, power and strength and some wanted to be him. His children blindly followed in his foot steps out of fear or tradition.

My father and both of my grandparents were strong white males. While they never owned people nor did any of their lineage to my knowledge, they were still the kings of their castles. Admiration was given to stronger white males more powerful or higher raking than them. My grandfathers and father were loving men, kind to me.  I was never beaten.  However, when challenged by a woman, child or someone they considered inferior in a certain way, they would get visibly upset.  Children of white males were supposed to obey. Period. Girls especially… boys to follow in the fathers footsteps. Girls to marry strong white males and obey them …. even if treated badly? Maybe? Divorce…not an option… frowned upon, not recognized by the church.  Must be the woman’s fault. When challenged and then angered I think this was more of just a complete non understanding of why?  Traditions of obeying your elders passed down generation after generation.  The years wore on and everyone was becoming more and more equal, STILL how they were raised and their fathers were raised bled through. Their word should rule. Why are they being challenged? We still see this male dominance through out the world.  There is still slavery, child trafficking, rape.  We Americans look down on other countries because we are so evolved. Are we? Some rapists, murderers, child molesters get shorter sentences than some drug offenders. White male offenders routinely get shorter prison time than black male offenders for any crime.

In my eyes those with money and power are still looked up to and admired no matter what wrong they have done. A blind eye is turned because they are rich and successful, even if they had to ruin others to do it.  Business isn’t personal right?  It’s still OK for old white men to cast out their older wives for a new one. The old ones are just crazy or unfit, and as long as they are given money to move on…  it’s all good.

There is a man running for president that is a classic white, male bully.  He is admired by many because he is rich, powerful, any has a beautiful wife.  He is valued by becoming successful even if that meant ruining others that weren’t as rich or as powerful.  He makes fun of people, steps on people, says hurtful things to innocent people and a blind eye is turned. When challenged is ruthless or a big baby even denying press credentials or refusing interviews by women. He has denied equal housing rights to people, his immigration stand does not apply to his current foreign wife, his ties and debts to foreign governments are overlooked. He even bad mouthed the Pope.  He is a strong white male.  He is the king of his castle. Has timed changed that much in 200 years? In 50?  I am currently watching the series Outlander.  It doesn’t seem like times have changed much at all.  Strong white males are becoming a minority and they know it.  This is their last stand.  It is time they step down, they have done enough damage, but they won’t, so its time to run them down.

Moms…stop the cat fights

Moms: We are all so different and we need to embrace each other. Some moms can give birth by themselves in a kiddie pool yanking over and pulling their little angel out themselves…. probably cutting the umbilical cord with their teeth and sticking that little baby who probably doesnt even cry right up to your naked breast while you entire family watches with joy as you stand up with the baby attached to your nipple and drag the pool in the yard to dump the water out naked….. “The miracle of life” You can survive on 2 hours of sleep a night and can still get in a good work out every day whilst strapping the baby on your back or front in one of those papoose slings like the Indians did and have your house clean and dinner on the table for your husband when he gets home….. For you moms I say: ” God Bless you” I wish I had your wear with all, positiveness, and clearly some alien DNA mixed in your body somewhere………. However, for the flip side of that coin… Mom’s who demanded to be in a hospital with the most pain medication they would allow you… or those (me) who demanded a C section for the 2nd after the first birthing of over 24 hours with out an epidural left my mind and body permanently altered…… ones who had to bottle feed as their nipples bled trying to breast feed the little miracles of life…. There is NOTHING wrong with you. For me the first couple- few years were a blur. Waking up even once a night ruined my next day let alone 4 or 9 times. I felt like a zombie feeding, changing, laudrying, cleaning, non showering for days monster…… I didn’t read a book for 4 years after each child. I CRIED….LOTS…. I was bored, yet there ways always something the little miracle needed. My house was never perfectly clean. Clothes were just thrown in drawers and the vacuum was my best friend…. The constant hum cleared my mind, drowned out the screaming, and also cleaned my floors…. It was a miracle…. I broke so many I cant even count. I LOVED to vacuum….. SOOOOO many of my friends are starting to or still popping out kids and I just want to say which ever kind of mom you are everything will be ok…. You will eventually get to do stuff again you like to do rather that watch Beauty and the Beast 100 times in a row. You will get to go out with your friends again (ones that arent electrical) and you will get to worry about much much more difficult things like allowing your child to cross the street by themselves or use scissors….. Im not even going to get to driving a car yet cause I still have .5 years for that disaster nervous break down to happen….. one day at a time ladies… all you can do….

Something else…..

I was thrown off a horse in 2011. If I wasn’t wearing a helmet they said I would have died.  However, I did die… for a couple minutes, and during that time I had my near death experience which was a life review.  I have written about it numerous times. When the rescue workers got to me on the mountain they were going to air lift me out my blood pressure was so low… what happened in that ten or twenty minutes it took them to get to me?  I have thousands of doubts as to what I should believe in as far as which political candidate to support and believe.  I constantly wonder if I have said the right things to people, made the right career choice, am installing the correct morales and values in my children, disciplining and encouraging them properly so I don’t screw them up.  However there is one thing I never doubt after my life review and that is that there IS something else after we take our last breath on this earth.  I have never believed in anything this absolute. Not God, or Jesus, or the Bible, or Koran, or my parents or my teachers.  However, with 100% certainly; There is something else after we leave this human body we are temporarily occupying.  I’ve read books on near death experiences, I’ve studied all the religions to a basic standard. With all that knowledge I came to the belief that we come to earth to learn lessons.  We have specific ones we are supposed to learn. If we don’t… back we come, but it is our choice to come back here.  I believe in reincarnation, and so did the church until they decided not to.  That is why I believe “some” of the Bible.  I was accused by a religious friend of mine that I was making up my own religion by picking and choosing things out of the Bible, but I do not agree.  ALL religions are based on Love and the Golden Rule…all of them…. Some people with agendas, including Constantine, decided what was going to make it into the final draft of the Bible, and terrorists do the same things today. Twist words and meanings to inspire hate and rage. Those things feel good.  If people are hurt and unhappy it makes people feel better to have people as hurt as they are.  Rage and fear are the most dangerous weapons and drugs, but they can and eventually are always destroyed by Love.

So, these are my beliefs…. now what? In my day to day life I get sad just like everyone else….I’m probably indifferent most of the time.  It is hard to let love lead my day. And when someone I love dies….. forget it….I’m done.  Good people shouldn’t die young.  Mother’s and fathers should never lose a child. Take the bad people. Kill all the murderers and child molesters. Expand the death penalty to people who abuse children and animals.  Make some kind of a test and if people are over 95% bad end their life.  Save the good people. Save the people that are trying to help others and make the world a better place. But when I know that none of this will ever happen, and good people are still going to die before their time, I want to say “Screw it…. it’s just not worth it… let’s just set the world on fire now and watch it burn”.  And because I know there is something else after this life….why not? This life is bullshit.

And then I see a baby…. or a toddler….and they are like an infection of life, love, cuteness… you can’t curse life and God while holding a happy baby….it’s impossible…. now when it’s 3am and you can’t get them to sleep maybe, just kidding….. Seeing new life, like the one growing inside my best friends belly really screws me up.  Because I want to be so angry at life for taking my cousin away from her parents from cancer, for taking baby Rowan before his second birthday, for all the victims of terrorists attacks, for letting my friend getting raped and molested…All of these people are scarred for life.  It will never be the same, darkness will always be looming, and happiness will forever make them feel wrong.  Then you see New life, a baby, children playing, their laughter filling the house, and you think maybe…just maybe it is worth it to go on……let’s not start the fire just yet.  Maybe things can turn around.

And if you look outside and see a butterfly fluttering above a giggling child playing with a puppy while a blue bird bathes in puddle of water near by, as a sunflower in the garden turns with the moving sun…… you realize there is beauty in this world…it’s just impossible to hold on to it forever.


Replacing Sad Anniversary “Death Dates”

I have so many days of the year that I dread because people I loved died on them.  Today, May 2 is the 25th anniversary of my fathers suicide….Wow…. and it gets more painful every year.  I am afraid to go to sleep because I dream of talking to my dad, asking him for advice, childhood memories that are just too happy, and dreams of just loss and being alone.  I also do have flashbacks of our fighting and some memory dreams are just too painful that I get a panic attack and wake up crying.  The panic attacks last for hours.

My mother used to force me to go to the Marriott Linconshire Resort for the week end on the anniversary deaths for a few years.  I just didn’t want to go, but I know what she was trying to do.  Now that I am older and death anniversaries bother me more I have been starting to do things on those days to change my fixation that those days are always bad.

My birthday was never a good day.  My father refused to come in the kitchen and sing Happy Birthday to me for my 16th Birthday.  Every November 4th after that was never the same.  It was never a day of joy, just one I wished I would forget.  When I turned 38 I tried to change that and planned my own birthday party.  People actually showed up and I had too much of a good time, so I threw an even bigger one for my 40th and it was even better.  So while I will always remember that 16th birthday, the bad memory fades when I think about my 40th birthday.

I found out about a year and a half ago that my first husband threw himself in front of a train three years ago.  He left behind two young children.  I am still in shock and I am sure the guilt nightmares will start in a few years.  I can not believe after what he knew I went through with my fathers suicide he would do that to his children.  However, that might have been the point in my life that I really did not share with anyone that part of my life.  I was ashamed, embarrassed, guilty….. I have such sadness for his family.  They are good people.  Todd and I were married on April 15, 1995, Tax Day.  I always remember every detail from that day.  Now I needed something else on that day, so this year on April 16th I threw and after the Tax Day party.  I planned it for about 4 months.  Yes, I know, Crazy, but I needed it.  I needed something fun for my brain to fixate on, or it will fixate on bad shit.  The party was great, but sure enough, as soon as it is over and I don’t have anything to fixate on the nightmares start.

Which leads to this date, May 2, the day my father died.  I can’t have parties all the time, but as an actor in this modern age of technology I can keep myself busy writing and filming ridiculous sketches that really only a handful of my friends watch.  I launched my latest sketch today.  I promoted it for weeks that it was going to launch May 1st, but I thought May 1st was today….. so here I am on my fathers death anniversary launching a ridiculous sketch on Youtube.

My therapist would tell me: “Just try to make it through the day.”  Well this is how I do it;).  I hope this makes at least one sad person laugh, even if just for a minute.  Let’s make it through the day together.