The book Cover!

The book Cover!

Ok …. It’s spelled right now…..” The Cover”….. If anyone wonders why I was never into Halloween after I was 16…..this is why….the birthday/ costume/ Halloween party I had last year was a BIG deal for me. I’ll have another one next year. I used to get CRAZY EXTREMELY UPSET ( in my head- no one knew) when I would see any costume relating to death. I just couldn’t and still don’t really understand why people think death is funny. Even now when we go trick or treating today and there will be fake skeletons who were fake people hanging in trees ;I will advert my eyes or walk fast past. I used to shield my kids eyes ( my father hung himself) . In my perfect world everyone would dress up as pumpkins and fairies, but I don’t think that will ever happen. Anyhoo…. I have gotten used to the day. I even have a plastic hand in the mailbox and a severed plastic leg in my lawn. I will stick to being a black cat. Happy Halloween to all. Thank you again to Armand Bashar and Alley Cat Graphics



Life is beautiful if you are unaware or ignore the horrors inside of it.

Confession…. I killed him. I made the choice….

Last week we lost the 5th animal in 12 months.  I had our dog Sputnick put down.  For a while he had been pacing all night every night.  Originally it would work if I would just get up when it started (around midnight), turned on the lights and watched some TV, then he would relax and go in my room and fall asleep.  For some reason he had to know I was UP! Someone was guarding the house.  We also discovered he was completely deaf.  We tried different things like locking him and his brother and sister in the bathroom at night, but he would just cry, therefore making them cry.  As he was deaf, I know he was scared and disciplining him did’t work.  A few weeks ago he just peed on the carpet right in front of the kids.  He has been know to do this for years, but always when we aren’t looking….. To do this in front of the kids was a bad sign.  I knew he was losing it.  I was also constantly waking up to him shitting somewhere in the house.  I wasn’t sleeping through the night.  Jett was not sleeping through the night.  The pacing or the TV would bother him.  With the two other dogs we have ( all siblings) being the same age of 13 they sometimes had to go out in the middle of the night.  I was NEVER sleeping through the night.  I was up at least 3 times a night… sometimes 10…..  I tried putting Sputnick on Prozac.  I even gave him some of my sleeping pills that I was assured would knock his ass out for the night.  It had the opposite effect… he paced more and slept less.  we tried keeping him up during the day CONSTANTLY waking him up and making him move around.

The point of all this ……. I made the decision to kill him.  I could have kept him alive.  He was a happy dog.  He loved walks, he loved running outside with his brother and sister.  He loved people.  I put my needs above his.  I killed Sputnick.  Since his death I have slept through the night most nights.  The first 3 nights I slept so good it was like I was in a fantastical dream.  Everyone else in the family slept better too.  I did’t feel guilty about killing Sputnick, but I did.  Having him gone was a HUGE weight off my shoulders.  It is so quiet around the house…. less drama….. Its is soooo wonderful.  However, I killed him.  Maybe he could have lived two more years.  Maybe we could have tried other options.

Now I firmly believe he is up in heaven with all of the people I have lost, especially a special little boy who died on the same day 8 years before.  I know Sputnick is with his mom and his brother and his best buddy our big black lab Jake. He never left his side EVERY single day the two of them were together for at least ten years.  We didn’t know how Sputnick would go on after Jake died.  It was really something to see what a bond they had.

I made the decision.  I killed Sputnick.  His life was in my hands and I ended it.  I think it was the right decision.  However, who am I to play God?  Do I think he was suffering?  Yes.  If Sputnick was a person I would have never been given this option? No.  I think about my grandfather who suffered … I mean really really suffered at the end with his cancer.  Was that necessary?  I think of my dad, who obviously suffered mentally in order to kill himself.  Was there a better way?  I felt like I had my dads life in my hands and I killed him.  I made the choice to hate him, to abandon him. That choice haunts me still.  I just woke up from a horrible nightmare….. what 22…23 years later….. still the nightmares.  My grandmother is not doing well.  She has Dementia and Parkinsons.  She sleeps 22 out of 24 hours of the day.  She just wants to sleep.  She needs to be cared for daily in her assisted living facility and it is more care every day.  She doesn’t want to die though.  Even though I know she is suffering, she doesn’t want to let go.  I know Sputnick didn’t want to let us go even though I know he is happy where he is now.  If my grandmother was one of my dogs would I have put her down by now?  I know that is morbid, but it is a question.  As a human I believe that when she sleeps so much she is in the process of crossing over.  Whatever is happening when she sleeps it is preparing her for when she does cross over for good.  I believe that with my daughter when I induced labor she wasn’t ready to be born yet….. there was still stuff happening to her soul.  That is why when she was 1-4 she would have nightmares and talk about her “other family”.  She missed them and wanted to go back to them.  So with Sputnick…. if he wasn’t ready to go.  I forced it.  Part of having a pet is responsibility.  You need to care for them when they are elderly just as you did when they were a puppy and just as much work.

I ended his life early.  It was my choice.  I am not sorry I did it.  I just could not handle it anymore.  It still makes me a weaker person, but I know the choice saved a part of me that was being devoured by stress….


True Blood Season Five = Our current real world

I have just started watching the 6 seasons of True blood.  I am at the end of season 5.  I am obsessed even though honestly, I really don’t like the show.  There will only be one true vampire series for me… Twilight….;)…. I don’t like the characters, the writing, the horrible hair dye job of Bill… but whatever, I am obviously hooked.  I am sure most True Blooders have already talked and thought and wrote about season five last year when it aired and I am sure they got what I am now writing about.  However, I find it just FASCINATING how the vampires, and humans, and shape shifters, and were wolves, and fairies, vampire haters,  politics, and religion ARE THE SAME as the current world we live in between black people, and white people, and Asian people and legal immigrants, illegal immigrants, politics, religion, cults, Liberals, Democrats, Republicans, The Tea Party, extremists, terrorists, and people that are just so brain washed and stupid because they are un or undereducated in all of the things they hate or are different then them.  In True Blood you have the vampires that want to coexist with humans and “mainstream” and the ones that believe in the God “Lilith” and her bible and think their religion is the one true religion and all humans are food.  In our “real world” that we live in how many religions do we have where there are extremists that are fighting over their “one true God and his teachings”.  I know at this time there is a lot of hate toward the Muslim religion, which is not right.  Only a small portion of the Muslim community that “call themselves Muslims”, are doing terrible hate crimes.  They aren;t Muslims, they are Terrorists.  Some Christians, who are “supposed to forgive and love all” in the past were terrorists as well.  Ever hear of the Crusades?  Thousands killed in the name of “God”. What about the Klu Klux Clan?  They called themselves Christians.  The same hate crimes that happened against people with different skin pigment not so long ago are now happening against people who decide to love their own gender.   Now in True Blood so many people and vampires die in such a small town you would think they would run out of life forms….and there is A LOT of sex…….. However, how many people die a day around the world that we don’t even care to know about?  Sex…. most everyone is doing it or thinking about doing it every day.  Maybe True Blood is just honest……. If you watch season 5 of True Blood pay attention…… Who do the extremist religious vampires remind you of?  Who do the extremist religious human remind you of? The fairies, the shape shifters?  And Taxes…. everyone has to pay taxes…… The only things we know to be finite are death and taxes….. sometimes a “True Death”.

Loss…. the four legged kind


As a kid I LOVED animals.  I begged and begged and begged for a dog…for YEARS.  When I was around six we found some turtles visiting my great grand parents in southern Illinois, so I was finally allowed to have pets!  They lived in our basement in a kiddie pool.  They laid some eggs, they smelled, they weren’t that exciting. I guess they died or were let go…. It was uneventful to me.  We had some fish…they stank and died and snails grew and had more snails in the bowl… we tried more fish… they died…again, uneventful.  Finally when I was 10 I was moving up in the animal world. I got a pair of Lovebirds for Christmas.  If I took care of them MAYBE…just MAYBE I could get a dog.  Well there was something wrong with one of the Love birds so we took them back and got another pair… it was a bummer, but I moved on. I took care of those birds! They even had baby love birds.   They dad was picking on the first hatched love bird when it got its feathers and I begged to move it to its own cage.  We did in the morning, when I got home from school it was dead. It got stuck in between the food dish and like the metal grate on the bottom.  I was heart broken.  It was all my fault. I cried and I cried and I buried it under a tree in our front yard.  That started the burying of birds under this particular tree that grew out of the blue in one of our flower gardens.  We named it the Vanessa tree.

Birds came and went, and eventually when I was eleven or twelve I FINALLY got my dog.  My father named him Aloewishes.  He saw the name on a at a funeral home on a placard when we were there for my great grandfathers wake.  He was a cute puppy that was going to get big.  We knew this because his dad was my aunts dog.  He liked to roam the neighborhood and knock up the neighbors dogs…. They were just thrilled. As he got older he got meaner and meaner to anyone that would step foot on our property.  I loved Ali. He loved the family, but I definitely second guessed my “lets get a dog idea”.  When I walked him I would have to grip so tight to his leash and wrap it around my wrist a couple times.  If he saw a biker… omg it was a nightmare.  He was so strong.  I would have to try to make him sit and just brace myself.  If he saw a person walking a dog….forget it… it was all over. I had to just walk/ run him in the opposite direction just pulling him with all my might while he went ballistic.  He bit strangers. He bit my best friend at Halloween cause he didn’t know who she was with her costume on.  He finally bit me when my father was trying to “get him socialized” to the neighbors dog as he would just lose it when every the dog came out side. My father wanted to put him down, but I cried, sobbed and refused.  As much as he was a pain in the ass he was still our dog, part of the family.

When my dad went into our house when I was 16 to kill himself he locked Ali outside on his rope/ chain so he wouldn’t get hurt. He loved that dog just as much as I did.  After my dad died I went crazy nuts with animals.  I guess I did it to keep myself busy.  I started with rabbits.  At my peak I had over 300 at once. I would sell them as pets only.  None of mine would be used for snake food.  I loved those bunnies, but they were a lot of work.  Every day twice a day feeding, cleaning cages, dealing with new litters.  I saw a lot of loss.  A lot of newborn bunnies didn’t make it.  In the beginning they were buried under the tree, however, at the end they garbage would be their resting place. I guess I had just come desensitized to their deaths.  There were just too many.  It just happened. It was life.  Some times the mothers would even eat part of her babies if she wasn’t ready to be a mother.  It was horrific.  I tried to watch them and make sure this didn’t happen.  If a bunny wasn’t a good mother I would move the babies with another mother. I did the best I could….some times it just didn’t work out.

Around that time I acquired two pot bellied pigs, ducks, a couple dogs, a cat.  When raccoon’s killed my ducks I was devastated.  When I had to leave my pigs and remaining bunnies behind when I moved to California I was devastated and felt huge guilt. However, that was not the end of animals for me as by the time I moved to Montana I had 14 dogs, 2 horses, 3 miniature horses, and two miniature donkeys.  I felt it was my duty to save all the animals of the world.  Most of those dogs were from Kill shelters and were going to be killed the day I got them.  Walking down death row made me weak.  I had to do whatever I could.

The pack diminished in size when two of them killed my favorite dog, the mother of four of the puppies, Michelle.  They attacked her when I was seven months pregnant walking all the dogs down our driveway in Montana.  When she died something in me that felt that all these dogs were somehow people died.  I cried so much I was worried I would hurt the baby growing in me.  Seeing Michelle mutilated. Screaming and trying to pull they dogs off of her….. Just something I will never forget.  A part of my soul died that day and so did my love for the remaining dogs. I just could not love the ten dogs that remained that day as I had before.  They were now just dogs to me.  Now I cared for them and they still slept with me, but something was missing.

I still couldn’t handle all of those dogs, not with a baby.  When two of them started to pick on my eldest and most beloved Bailey I took two of them to the shelter.  I just couldn’t handle it.  One escaped minutes before I came back to get him because the other one was adopted and he wasn’t doing well alone. He was one of Michelles babies.  he was hit by a car trying to come back home.  I never forgave myself.  Again, I distanced myself more from the animals.

Now years later we are down to 3 dogs.  It is so weird after having so many for so long.  I now have to experience the kids pain as they lose the dogs they have had literally all of their lives.  It never gets easier when the next one dies and I wonder how they are mentally going to handle this.  In the past 12 months we have lost Daisey (Jett found her when he got home), Mini-Me, (I had to put down after he had a stroke and then broke his hip), Cody the horse (eye cancer; we had to put him down), and now this week a bear killed one of our mini donkeys, so we gave his brother to people we have given our mini horses to.

Three dogs…. we are down to three dogs and my daughters cat… and a bunny that roams free in our yard that I know could be killed any moment by “something”……

I think I am just plain done with animals….. I am done with the pee on the carpet, the poop, the puke, the barking.  I just need these three to live about 10 more years so my kids don’t have any more heart ache.  These three cant die until they go to college.  I have to make these three live to be 23…… impossible I know.  My son sleeps with his dog every night with his arms wrapped around him. I sleep with my dog Muffin every night in the same way.  My Muffin….. she is the one dog I have let my heart open up to….. somewhat, she is one of Michelle’s puppies.  I love her.  She is always by my side, but I know she will not live as long as I and that puts up a distance… a wall… even though I don’t want it to.

I am tired of death and heart ache. The third dog we have left has serious mental issues and paces every night in the middle of the night.  I have to get up with him for about an hour until he goes back to sleep.  I know I will I have end his life soon….. After all of these years and all the dogs I know the signs……. It sucks…..

There is no real end to this post.  Its really more of a rant…. for myself…so I don’t forget….animals…. what do they teach us?


I love them…… I don’t feel like my life is 100% on track, but apparently it is as my coincidence meter is off the chart…. This is going to be a short post, so I say “HAHA” to all of you that say I rant and over write:)

When I visited my mother this summer I saw the book WILD on her coffee table.  I had no idea what it was about, but I liked the cover:)  Her handy man was at the house and he also saw the book and asked if I read it.  He said his daughter or some close relative worked for the publishing company that published it and he had read it and loved it.  Now in the back of my mind I’m thinking… “your daughter is in publishing huh….mom needs to give him my book”:)…. Anyhoo… I asked my mom about the book and if I could read it.  She hadn’t read it yet and would let me know when she was done with it.  This was a couple months ago.  Two weeks ago my best friend Amy send me a link of books everyone should read by 30: The book Wild is on here COINCIDENCE!.  About a week later I asked my mom about the book and if she could send it to me.  (Keep in mind she hasn’t sent me a book in over a year).  She said it was already on it’s way COINCIDENCE!!! Then two days later I am informed by Jetts manager that he has an audition for what….. the Film version of the book WILD….. COINCIDENCE…… The book arrived.  I started reading it last night.  I love it.  In a way it reminds me of my story.  When her mom died she lost her life…. everything she thought was solid and true about her world was shifted and torn to pieces.  She walked over 1,000 miles to find who she was… I am guessing who she could be.  I’m not finished yet with the book, nor am I finished with my journey:) I recommend this book.