As my grandma lay here dying

As my grandma lay here dying I guess I am feeling and thinking about the normal things one does at this time. Memories…..all the good times….all the times she took care of me, which for me was every day.  She literally lived next door to me until I moved when I was 19.  I saw her every single day. She took care of me when my parents were working or went out or I’d just go over there to hang out.  She always had the snacks I liked. I also think of how she asked me over and over when I was a kid to promise I would take care of her when she was old.  I failed there. I moved across the country when I was 20.  I left her. She had my grandfather until 10 years ago, but then when he died of cancer she was all alone. Yes, she had my mom and my aunt and my three cousins, but they weren’t right next door. They didn’t see her every day. I did. For 19 years I did, and then I left her. I did not keep up my end of the bargain. As you can see I have felt guilt about this over the last 20 years. Yes, I visited, she visited, we called….. But it’s just not the same as living next door.  As this door of her life on earth is closing I know she is midway or more moving through the next realm. I know she is being met by all she missed, my grandfather, my dad, her brother, mother, sister, etc….. Who will be her neighbor now? Who will live next to her? All of them. My burden will be released and a void will be left in burdens place.

I had a very unique special dream during a nap on Christmas Day. I believe it was a part of this process of my grandma passing. I was in my childhood home but my kids were there and all the family that was still here on earth. Everyone was happy. I was walking around my old house eating and smiling listening to everyone and their conversations. I was sitting on my parents antique sofa and then it disappeared. The old stuff from my childhood was leaving, but it was ok.  It was as if my past was moving out of the way for the new life I created. ….. And it was OK….. With my grandmother leaving this will change our family dynamic in a huge way.  It will take a lot to get used to the void.

In my dream there were also a plethora of religious paintings. In my dream I wondered where they came from. I am not a ” typical religious person”. I do believe there is ” something else” as I died once for a few minutes and had a life review….. I just don’t know what that ” something else” is…… I don’t think anyone can truly know what “that” is…… But soon my grandmother will find out something….. A piece of the puzzle to the mystery of life. She was TERRIFIED of dying a couple years ago when she almost did when she had pneumonia. Now she is at peace. She is not afraid. I think with all the sleeping she has done in the last year she has been visiting the next phase and getting used to ” moving on”. It is her time to go now.  Let go dear grandma. All will be ok.  You will always live right next to me in my heart. I hope you do go today. Why? Because this is your favorite day of the year. Today is the day all of our family is together to celebrate Christmas.  We are all together. All 17 of us.  Grandma would start shopping in the Spring preparing for this day every year and soon my grandpa would start too. It used to take us over 4 hours to unwrap gifts. Four hours with one gift getting better than the next.  Starting with socks and moving up the ladder to the finale of something we each wanted that was spectacular.  Those will be the memories left behind. Wonderful memories made by a wonderful woman who leaves behind a beautiful legacy of amazing off spring. Let go my dear grandma. Let go.

She let go the next day. Peace be with her.

Sex is not over rated… support the movement

It ALWAYS surprises me how much of a big deal is made about talking about sex, seeing sex, having sex, when there is sooooooo much violence on TV and in the movies.  It is entertainment to see people get blown up…. actually die…. Die Hard, Terminator, Lords of the Rings, The Hunger Games (kids killing kids!), Oblivion ( wait did anyone see it?) CSI.. what are there like 7 versions of the show?  Don’t even get me started on video games.  My son always throws at me… “Mom…. they are bad people?”. Really are you sure?  What about the video games where you can kill innocent civilians? Babies?  That is entertainment?  Maybe because I have experienced death.. too much death way to personally I don’t find seeing people get killed entertainment.  What entertains me? Funny stuff? Fun stuff… SEX.  I get so much shit for talking about SEX, doing sketches about SEX, and putting stuff I film on youtube that has anything what so ever to do with SEX.  This video I did about REAL questions that were asked by my daughter at some point in her life about sex stuff got flagged as age restricted.  Yeah, I made the sketch funny, but these were REAL questions.  If my shy daughter is asking them your daughter is surely thinking about them….

Sex Questions Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-asYdEkslQ

My Butt Crack series….. Some close friends said it would “ruin my career”.  What career?  And it is a butt crack!!!! It’s not anal porn.  I think its funny…and that is all that matters…. ( agreed “some weird guys could be jerking off to it, but I could post a video of me licking a spoon and that would happen too)….. I am jogging here with my horse ( may he rest in peace).  you can see our butts.  IT’S FUNNY.  And I know I always have my one fan Heather…. she loves this series.

Jogging with my horse Butt Crack

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiyXcIIAIY4

My mother is soooo offended by my Trampex series she bribes/ threatens me to take them down constantly…. “Seriously mom… this is how I’m going to make it big.”  It’s not, but really how far off is it from some stuff on SNL… AND some one stole my idea and redid it like with professional equipment and shit.  I used my phone:)

Trampexator

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHbudsf1xEs

Granted my Trampex video was a little gross… but seriously if it was a real product people would buy it.

I BEGGED the writer producer of the webseries I am in Involuntarily SIngle to have a sex scene.  I am not getting any younger…. Let’s capture this shit on film NOW.  I never got to be a stripper and I feel jaded.  She did it… So far it has the most views:)

Now I shoot normal stuff too, but shockingly it doesn’t get as many views… why ? cause sex sells.  I used to get shit for producing and hosting model search events for Hawaiian Tropic.  I am happy to say I think I have taken my sexual liberation to an entire new level.

HT DAYS:

When HT days were over we tried panhandling… It didn’t work out.

My point is…… Watch my videos, or don’t…. Im still going to do them.  This is who I am and because of it I do get real jobs that pay money.  I did make it into Blockbuster before they closed…. The Power of Love…

And Guys…. sometimes you just do it wrong… SEX.. and I am happy to point it out….

Oh and shout out to my friends who love to hate me at TCD studios. Here is my favorite… Stage mommies…. Absolutely NO sexually related content… See mom.  I can do it….. or not do it…

Oh and Merry Fricking X-mas

Driveway lights….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3rdVPt6GCE

And from my family to yours… Happy Holidays:)

I will say The tick in the Vagina video might have went too far  as that gave me a 6 month warning on Youtube because I showed my entire butt ( must have a thong on.. I know ridic) and the dancing butt crack, but good luck finding those…

In closing…. Be yourself people… enjoy sex as that is how you were made, and don’t kill people even if they are not real.

My website is up.. www.leftbehind-abookforsuicidesurvivors.com

suicide4 (5)I am very proud to announce that the website for my book is up. This has been a long process. I started this book in 2009. So many people have helped me, inspired me, and encouraged me. Some also told me it was a mistake and that’s what made me keep going most of all…… I like proving people wrong:) Special thanks to my mom, Nancy Bednar for always sticking beside me even though this was shitty hard for her, all of my friends who read and reread the four or five long ass 400 page drafts along the way, and for my magical editorWilly Mathes for transforming it and pushing me to what it is today. I could not have done this by myself. Now this is just building my platform. My agent has not finished it yet. I hope she likes it. If not I have a list of 20 more I researched to pursue. If one takes me on they try to find a publisher. It is still a long road to go. And yes, I can always self publish. Thank you to those who provide testimonials. The editor did have to cut some down. I can still add them so if you owe me one I KNOW who you are. Xxxooo

http://www.leftbehind-abookforsuicidesurvivors.com