Haters- I don’t have them

I see a lot of people posting about “Haters”….”Don’t worry about Haters- they are just unhappy people”; I think would sum it up. I guess this relates to my previous post. I don’t have “Haters”, because I haven’t acknowledged that negative behavior towards me in over four years now. I just don’t care… And I think Facebook has provided me with a great social experiment. I used to make fun of people on FB. Who had the time? Nonsense… Ha..look at me now. In the beginning I friended EVERYONE I knew, met, worked with, admired. As time went on my love of FB increased. I found I Loved writing and using it as my on line journal. I put most everything on there that I would have written in my journal. Why not? This is who I am. I offended LOTS…I scared my mother and close friends:”Vanessa! Why are you posting that?”….Why not? This is me…. And you know what? It weeded out the negativity, the haters…if people didn’t like me they could just defriend me…. And I am totally fine with that. No hard feelings. When I see who likes or comments on my posts I smile. I feel a connection with them. They get me. I put a smile on their face, made them laugh, or made them think, or even made them mad, but we can discuss or agree to disagree. Challenge me….I love to ponder my views. So, my post yesterday: I am my worst enemy. I am my own hater. Other haters don’t even come to mind. I do crave certain people’s approval and that is something I need to work on, but they aren’t haters…. More just on the fence:) We can choose to see haters and negativity or we can choose not to. Don’t even worry about “Haters going to hate”…..they aren’t even there.


Stop Winning People Over

It’s always hard to remember, but it always lurks in the back of my mind: We are our own worst enemies. I can be perfectly happy and then 5 seconds later a thought will come in my mind, I WILL TWIST IT into something negative and my world spirals downward. ┬áRecently I told a friend some good news. The reply was:” how am I supposed to feel?” It struck a nerve because I instantly replied with :”HAPPY!”. I wish my brain would reply with that to myself most of the time(unless of course if it’s a tragedy)…. But it doesn’t. I over think…constantly…I am a rollercoaster of emotions. While I usually do what I want, get what I want too much, and overall don’t care what the majority of the population thinks about it…… I do crave approval from certain people and probably not the ones I should. Plus, maybe it’s not craving their approval, wanting it, needing it, but manipulating until I get it even if it is not truly the opinion of the ones I desire it from. Forever in fear of making certain people mad…. Terrified even. I think I need to learn that it is OK for all people to be mad at me for occasional silly things I do. If they are my friends they always get over it. I need to stop wanting to “win over” people that are on the fence about me and ACKNOWLEDGE AND APPRECIATE the people that are and have always been by my side that I never had to win over. Boy there is going to be lots of realizations being stuck on this mountain for a month..

My Fathers Day

To the father in my buried memories
Whom I ran into his arms
He was forever charming
And courageous and strong
I’m sure his whiskers tickled my face when he kissed me goodnight
But the memories are to locked deep to feel them tonight
I wonder if I will ever remember any of the fathers days I had with you
I wonder what we did… Maybe we went to the zoo
I do remember a day there when you let my stroller go fast down a hill
But you were always right there to stop it before it tumbled and I flew
Oh how exciting that was like when we would ride the fastest coasters again and again
No matter how long the line or if I had to stand on my tippy toes to get in
Who will be there for me now to catch me when I fall
Who will be there for me now to answer my pleading call
Who will be there for me now to build me a castle
Who will be there for me now to save me from disaster
Who will push me on a swing higher and higher
Who will push the merry go round till I feel like a flier
Who will tell me to suck it up when I tumble and bleed
Who will fix my bike
Who will paint my room
Who will teach my kids how to build a master piece with lumber and tools
You gave me away but not down the aisle
You just chose to leave me
And deep down I’ll always be in denial

My book is free on Kindle for 4 more days! Left Behind: My Suicide Survivor Story

11769_4911887629505_841940711_nIf you know someone who’s life has been touched by suicide maybe my story can help…. Even if it is only them knowing that they are not alone.