Maybe

Maybe today it can not be my fault.

Maybe today it’s ok to cry for all that I lost.

Maybe today can be about me and not him.

Maybe today can be about me and not all of them.

Maybe today will be with out guilt.

Maybe today will be with out hurt.

Maybe today the sun rose and set.

Maybe tomorrow the pain my mind will forget.

Can’t Let it Go! #AwaiianTropi

I’ve filmed lots and lots of sketches…. My friends Michael and Christina wrote, produced and directed Being Vanessa for me, which was AWESOME! Can’t Let it Go is the first production with a cast that I wrote, produced and acted in. I am very proud of this project and really think I have turned an important corner.  I still have a lot to learn, but with this project I feel like “Ok.. I’get it… I can figure this out!”  I can not wait to film my next project, Barbee Rehab in April along with TWO more episodes of Can’t Let it Go!

Thank you to all my cast, crew and supporters!! We did it!!

Enjoy! And Please like, subscribe and SHARE!!

Do everything you can NOW!

I’ve lost too many friends and family over the years and the pace seems to be increasing.  I guess that happens the older you get. I’ve been thinking about what they would say if I asked each of them: Should I do this? Should I do that? Each time I see one of their faces in my mind and ask them, my brain, my gut my soul all knows that they will say: DO IT! DO IT NOW! And if I reply with doubts on money or time or support from friends they would all say.. maybe in different ways… but they would all say: “Screw it, screw them, find a way, do it, because when it’s over its over.” I’m sure they all made mistakes in their lives that they wish they could change, but in the core of it all finding our joy is the most important thing. Because, when we find or joy we inspire the joy in others.  The dreams we all have seem a little more attainable when others achieve their.  When we achieve our dreams and are happy in our lives we are also more prone to help others, to pay it forward. I have learned that even though you have helped others in the past that doesn’t mean they will repay the favor and that is a hard lesson.  However, when we give gifts that’s what they are, gifts and if we are expecting to be repaid then we should not give them. Trust me though, when you really need support monetarily, but mostly emotionally and the people you are closest to  aren’t there, it hurts, a lot. Everything in life is a lesson.  When a disappointment happens that always makes me work harder and prove people wrong. Then I when I accomplish it I admit, and this is probably bad … I know it’s spiteful I say in my head: “Haha mother f’ers… not helping your ass ever again”, and then instead of worrying about others I take some time to worry about myself, and make my dreams a reality.

There are lots and lots of people that think I’m nuts with my parties and my projects and the things I post on my Youtube channel and Facebook and sometimes I question it. But then I ponder what those I have lost would tell me, the dreamers and even the conservatives; Butch, Stacey, Danny, Lauren, Abby, Stuart, My dad, all my grandparents… all of them.  They would say “Screw em’… follow your dreams… go sky diving, open a business, raise kids, go on the roller coaster, participate in a protest, join the roller derby, ride the horse, buy the confetti,  love the world.”  We are going through some crazy times and I just read a meteor could kill us all next month, so what are we all waiting for?  Don’t get stuck on all the bad in the world and find a way to make it better.  The easiest way to do this is finding your joy!

#CarrieFisher

#CarrieFisher was a trailblazer. A Titan of our time. She brought an unapologetic face to the plight of mental illness, which was shunned. Times have changed for the better little by little…While mental illness is talked about more today I specifically remember Ms. Fisher being ridiculed for being treated for her mental illness. I am glad she lived long enough to see those stigmas fade away….. George Michael…terribly harassed for being gay. I remember the tabloids. Hurtful does not begin to describe it. I know it seems like with what has transpired in the election and in certain States that we are going backwards. However, if you look at history we are clearly moving forward. When I was a child I didn’t even know what being transgender was. Now, my children have transgender friends. When I was in highschool the civil rights movement was 40 years past…. but I don’t remember any biracial couples. My children’s schools are so diverse. They don’t see color like I was taught to. The only times racial jokes are told amongst my daughters friends are by people of that race making fun of themselves. All the polls show the young believe in equality… all these old white dinosaurs just have to die out so real change for the betterment for all can happen. I believe there are still leaders in our government that were opposed to the Civil Rights movement…. who voted to keep segregation. We know there are still people in government that oppose equal rights for all Americans in regards to marriage and religious freedom. Change happens. That’s the only thing that’s guaranteed….. Big change can happen over night. But that’s rare and mostly if a traumatic event happens. However, most change is slow and we as humans are impatient. Make your voices heard. Help others. Follow the golden rule. Don’t sit idly by… Do something. Be a Carrie Fisher. Be a George Michael.

Can’t Let it Go!

Find out what all the Buzz is about!

You should never let the dream die…. especially if you are a swimsuit model!

Who are you?

I’ve never colored inside the lines. I’ve always challenged “the rules” set by other people. I’ve never just believed everything that was told to me. I’ve always listened, but not always followed. I have been told not to attempt to try numerous things, but have always done them anyway. It has always taken me more than one try to achieve the goals I have wanted to obtain, but they have never been small goals. I have not taken a lot of advice I should have because I needed to learn the lessons on my own. I have loved and lost with pain at times, but never with regrets. I have sacraficed things from myself for others in more need that I when I was told not to care. I have spoken up when I was told to shut up. I have moved forward when it would have been easier to stand still and stay where I was. I have hurt people I love and punished myself for their pain. I have at times wanted to raise the white flag in defeat, but I never have. I have always climbed back up the cliff with my finger nails. I am me and I need to never forget that. Who are you?

This is Suicide

Apparently today is suicide prevention day…..so I will share….BUT NO COMMENTS….(not your fault, brave, blah blah) or I’m not going to share again. I know life can be Shitty. I get depressed all the time….however….you just have to suck it up….and I know how excruciatingly hard it can be. I’ve been so depressed that it is physically and mentally painful. It’s like my soul was put into a vice and squeezed and as I get older it gets worse. Know that if you end your life you are not just ending your life, but PERMENENTLY altering everyone that loves you’s life too. Even the people that you think hate you will be damaged. Because everyone is going to feel guilt and wonder what they could have done to stop you. If you just wouldn’t have had that fight…..If you just would have accepted that offer to go out to lunch…. The “if onlys” will drive anyone crazy. Yesterday at the hair place random memories flooded my brain when my hair was being washed. My mind flashed back to when i was a kid and I used to go to the mall with my dad to get his hair cut, dance class, get a slice of pizza, the confectionery, red laces, and when he used to take me to Hallmark after dance class and I could pick out stickers for my “very cool” sticker collection. My memories are good ones, of my dad smiling and laughing and we just had fun hanging out. Then the sadness swoops in because I just can’t allow myself to be that happy like I was in those memories. Because WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I don’t understand what happened to my dad. He shot, hung himself and set our house on fire? It is not possible and aliens must have swept down and swapped him out. Or how much did I influence his change? I defied him…. I left the house… I said horrible things to this great man that gave me everything… I lied… I was cruel…. We had a horrible fight….We weren’t speaking when he died… Some 24 years later and the why’s still haunt me. (Now here’s where everyone that loves me freaks out- yes I know he was an adult, I was a teenager, would you blame your daughter, it was his choice) yes, yes…. I know…. But unless you experienced THE EXACT things I did just shut it. No amount of therapy is going to make my brain understand what happened. The more time that goes by the more happy memories my brain is allowing me to remember. I used to not be able to see his face. Now I can. The happy memories are EXCRUCIATING. but I am really really trying to enjoy them, because I want to know that I was really really happy once upon a time and not just making it through the day. Slowly maybe that pure joy can come back. But it is painful…. Whenever I’m too happy I worry something bad will happen, especially to my kids… So my brain tells me not to be too happy…..tone it down… Because WHEN something bad happens it’s better to fall from a shorter ladder…..if I’m too happy the ladder is too high and it’s more painful to fall off of. Which is totally ridiculous I know….I KNOW…. So…. Don’t ruin other people’s lives because you think yours sucks. Double up on your Prozac, just get out of the house and walk around the block, pet a puppy. I am a prime example of the aftermath of suicide. My kids will never know their grandfather. They will never really get that he wasn’t crazy his entire life… And I will have to cry every time memories surface of a great loving man that always took me to buy stickers after dance class….. I mean it…no comments…. Or texts….mother…

2016 Update

This stupid day again. I wrote this last year. I don’t know if this day does anything to help. It should be talk about Suicide with everyone you know day because it is such a taboo subject nothing is going to change unless it is talked about openly. There is so much shame tied to it, yet every single person I know has been horribly sad some time in their lives…. a man just attempted on my block. It’s hush hush. It’s a choice. We all have them. Do we stay or do we go. If you are elderly, alone, dying, in pain and you want to end it I actually am for people’s choice to end it, if it is done in a way that won’t harm others for the rest of their lives. However, when you involve other people, have family and friends that love you, this is what you are “choosing” to do.

White Male Privilege

Not so long ago rich bullies who either couldn’t get a woman by being a gentleman or were too disgusting could just buy one. This woman he now owned he could rape at any time, beat, abuse.  She was his property. Any children that came of people that he owned he could not only rape, but have his friends rape too with no consequences.  If he was married to a nice well bred white woman he could still rape those he owned and a blind eye was turned, for he was a powerful white male, one who you wanted to be in good favor with as maybe he owned a lot of land or businesses in town. He was rich. People admired his wealth, power and strength and some wanted to be him. His children blindly followed in his foot steps out of fear or tradition.

My father and both of my grandparents were strong white males. While they never owned people nor did any of their lineage to my knowledge, they were still the kings of their castles. Admiration was given to stronger white males more powerful or higher raking than them. My grandfathers and father were loving men, kind to me.  I was never beaten.  However, when challenged by a woman, child or someone they considered inferior in a certain way, they would get visibly upset.  Children of white males were supposed to obey. Period. Girls especially… boys to follow in the fathers footsteps. Girls to marry strong white males and obey them …. even if treated badly? Maybe? Divorce…not an option… frowned upon, not recognized by the church.  Must be the woman’s fault. When challenged and then angered I think this was more of just a complete non understanding of why?  Traditions of obeying your elders passed down generation after generation.  The years wore on and everyone was becoming more and more equal, STILL how they were raised and their fathers were raised bled through. Their word should rule. Why are they being challenged? We still see this male dominance through out the world.  There is still slavery, child trafficking, rape.  We Americans look down on other countries because we are so evolved. Are we? Some rapists, murderers, child molesters get shorter sentences than some drug offenders. White male offenders routinely get shorter prison time than black male offenders for any crime.

In my eyes those with money and power are still looked up to and admired no matter what wrong they have done. A blind eye is turned because they are rich and successful, even if they had to ruin others to do it.  Business isn’t personal right?  It’s still OK for old white men to cast out their older wives for a new one. The old ones are just crazy or unfit, and as long as they are given money to move on…  it’s all good.

There is a man running for president that is a classic white, male bully.  He is admired by many because he is rich, powerful, any has a beautiful wife.  He is valued by becoming successful even if that meant ruining others that weren’t as rich or as powerful.  He makes fun of people, steps on people, says hurtful things to innocent people and a blind eye is turned. When challenged is ruthless or a big baby even denying press credentials or refusing interviews by women. He has denied equal housing rights to people, his immigration stand does not apply to his current foreign wife, his ties and debts to foreign governments are overlooked. He even bad mouthed the Pope.  He is a strong white male.  He is the king of his castle. Has timed changed that much in 200 years? In 50?  I am currently watching the series Outlander.  It doesn’t seem like times have changed much at all.  Strong white males are becoming a minority and they know it.  This is their last stand.  It is time they step down, they have done enough damage, but they won’t, so its time to run them down.

Life

Touch the sky every morning
Touch the moon every night
Dream of wonder
Then make it come to light
Live for adventure
There is nothing holding you back
Let nothing stop you that crossed your path
Every day is anew
Every night is full too
Of time to accomplish all the dreams you want to
So dig deep in your soul and gather all of your dreams
Then let your mind be released to to plan and scheme
We have been given the gift of life
We all come with the same parts
We just need to use them right
Hope for peace
Strive for truth
And enjoy the ride you have nothing to lose.
Death will come whether we like it or not
Do something with your life or do nothings at all
the choice is yours to rise or to fall
-V

A Million Words About My son

My son came home from his first day of school very proud to announce that he did not have any homework, but I did.  I had to write a million words about him.  While I questioned the million words part of the assignment over and over.. a million? I have been thinking about “my homework” the past two days.  Who is my son?

When I recently looked through photos of my son starting from the day he was born all I could say was; “Yep, that’s Jett”.. from day one. Jett was Jett in my womb at 12 weeks when we saw him on the ultrasound sucking his thumb, Jett was Jett when he was born and just wanted to snuggle, Jett was Jett when at age 4 he would not wear anything except his Buzz Lightyear costume day in and day out.. and night in and night out for years.  I wrote in my book that my daughter saved my life and my son brought joy back in to my life.  On line the Urban Dictionary states this as the meaning of Jett:

An awesome person, who loves life, who sees life through innocent eyes! And is the true meaning of life!
Jett is the True meaning of life!
I find this definition spot on.  Years ago I went to a psychic and with out knowing my sons name she told me to keep a Jett stone by me! And I do every day of my life.
Jett did not want to start school…ANY YEAR.  In preschool if I let his father take him to school he would throw a tantrum on the floor and my husband would bring him home.  When I did get him to stay at school by running out of the classroom and closing the door or handing him off to a teacher screaming he would be wearing his Buzz Lightyear costume and Cars slippers, both of which were not allowed in school.  Things did not get easier starting Kindergarten as he was the only child that cried out: “Mommy don’t leave me” when he saw me through the fence walking to my car.  This year it “might have” gotten a little bit easier.
Jett has always hated doing work and homework of any kind. I am refusing to do his homework for him anymore as I hate it too, and have been crying about it nightly since it started in Kindergarten.  Jett loves to use his imagination and play.  When Jett finds a world he loves he likes to stay in it, especially after bed time.  Lett loves Super Hero’s and if you do not know the difference between Marvel and DC you better start googling it now. Jett has transitioned from BEING Buzz Lightyear, to Spiderman, to Batman.  Now, with the discovery of the video game Halo we have now entered into a new phase of life.  Even though he is getting older, and has had many girlfriends since he was in Kindergarten it is still a great relief to me that I am still his favorite girl.  He loves me.  This fact I know for sure.  He knows I love him.
I have two baby bears, Jett and his sister Sedona.  They will be my baby bears forever and ever.  Sedona gets credit for Jetts existence.  Sedona wanted a sister.  She begged and begged.  We were all surprised in the ultra sound room when they told us Jett was a boy.  A Boy!! We thought Jett would be a girl.  Sedona is still upset about this.  We didn’t know what we would do with a boy.  We had just figured out how to raise a girl. However, as soon as I saw the Jettster I knew the Universe had given him to us for a reason.  There is no better boy in the world and he will always be my favorite baby boy.