Life is not how it is supposed to be.

I drank, I smoked, I got into cars with boys I didn’t know.  I shouldn’t be here.

She never smoked or dranked or went out past curfew.  She should be here.

I disobeyed my parents, thought my teachers were stupid, and only obeyed laws that suited me.  I shouldn’t be here.

She listened to her parents, saw the insight every teach gave her, and obeyed every law… she should be here.

I cursed life and all it entailed. I shouldn’t be here.

She loved life and all its challenges.  She should be here.

I hated the evil in people.

She loved the light in people.

I gave up.

She gave.

I cursed.

She cherished.

I saw dark.

She saw hope.

Maybe she just got it…. she learned the lesson of the universe and was called home.

She made her mark. She changed the world. ….. in just 21 years she accomplished more than millions before her in a lifetime could.

She was good. Where as others and I could only Dream to keep in our hearts a love for all this deep.

We will soldier on and go day to day in this world that is often grey, with rules unspoken and in stone that rule our lives even after worn. But long to wonder whether right or wrong.

“Life is not fair” we have been taught to embrace.

Then why follow the rules that have been put in place?

Oh sweet angel how so many love you will not be forgotten… are in our souls…IMAG3150.jpg




A tribute to Donnovan Castellanos by the Burbank Vikings… The “The All Heart, Never Quit” Award

I am very rarely caught off guard unless a tragedy happens.  I am a pretty normal mom.  I love my kids, but sometimes I just want to scream.  Yesterday in fact I told a friend about an incident with one of my children: “I really could have slapped them”… ( I didn’t of course, I’ve never hit my kids… but I could see how it could happen!)   Some days I get, well bored, with the same routine; up at 6:20 AM, breakfast, lunches, school, house work, my work, pick ups, activities, asking my son to take a shower 95 times until he finally does it… etc.  I often think, as I did today, ” I guess this is it.  This is the life I chose and it’s great. I have two great kids, a house I love, I am doing what I love, we have food…. but this is it.”  It can be a hamster wheel.

Then tonight happened.  Tonight was my sons end of the year football banquet for his team the Burbank Vikings.  I was to sit at a different table, but kids over ran it.  My son and I randomly sat with a few other players, a sister of one, and the parents of another.  People think I am very out going.  I’m not.  Unless I know someone, I want to start drinking or go home. I have been braver as the years have passed and I started talking to the dad, Sean Moreno’s father.  I think it started out with “I can’t believe this glass of wine was only $3″  He said: ” I know, this beer was only $3.50″…. The Elks Lodge man, they are AWESOME.  We spoke for quite a while.  I remember seeing him when football conditioning happened in August, but I never saw him at the games.  Turns out, he is a forest ranger and is gone 6 days a week.  He only sees his family one day a week…THINK ABOUT THAT…. He had accrued vacation days and is getting some time off until February 1, which is so wonderful.  I remember this man when football just started.  His son Sean had never played football, in fact his Sean is quite a baseball player. I believe some kind of an All Star.  Played all his life.  I remember his father being a bit nervous for his son at the beginning of the year. During the banquet his son was quiet, just sitting by his parents, very patient, never said a peep.  All the boys at our table were very quiet and well behaved, and this think was long….

The Burbank Vikings lost one if it’s players in March, a true angel on Earth, Donnovan Castellanos.  The “All Heart Never Quit Award”, in memory of Donnovan was awarded to Sean Moreno tonight.  I have posted the link to the video on this page and the tribute to Donnovan Castellanos as pictures on this post.  In the future I may rewrite it (with author credits) so it is clearer to read, but honestly I don’t think I could get through it with out breaking down.  To Donnovan and his best friend Sean.  Life can be horrific.  There is absolutely no benefit to Donnovan being taken so early.  There is NO beneficial explanation why his parents should have lost their son.  All I know is Donnovan is and had always been an angel here on earth, and his best friend Sean, who played for him this year will never let the world forget him.  My hope is that both the parents of Donnovan and Sean walk with their heads high and proud until the end of time as they raised AMAZING human beings.

I am grateful beyond words for my “hamster wheel” and I hope it never stops spinning.

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Every loss is NOT Gods plan. Best thing I have ever read about loss -Tim J Lawrence

This is probably THE BEST thing I have ever read about grief and loss, and I’ve probably read hundreds of books and articles and such. I’ve been struggling a lot with this lately and I said to a friend TODAY that is going through a hard time: “Most things happen for a reason”. I really mess with my brain and try to figure life out constantly. I’m not any closer than when I started. I have a whole ying and yang problem….. Because I am a coincidence junkie…. And magnet…. All the time crazy shit happens; like me telling my friend a couple hours ago that “most things” happen for a reason and then finding this in my news feed. Or scrolling through my news feed and an actor pops up that I’ve worked with once the exact same time he’s shown on the TV show I’m watching for a split second. For me coincidences tell me that I am on the right path in my life. However, I do not believe that everything happens for a reason and this can bother some of my religious friends. I do not believe everything that happens is”God’s Plan”. If you are religious you know that God gave us the power of choice…. Meaning…. We can chose wrong. I believe we all have a sixth sense and we all know the golden rule and the difference between right and wrong ( now granted some people have extreme mental issues and don’t know the difference, but that’s another subject). I also do not believe that any child was “supposed” to be taken by God. There is no way God could be that cruel. A nun actually told my friend who lost a child moments after that she could “Always have another one”…. To me that nun was Satan and I could have killed her right then and been completely justified. There is NO WORSE pain than losing a child. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy…. And I haven’t even felt it… But I’ve seen it. I have been through a lot of loses and the only ones that don’t bother me are when old people die…. I can go along with God taking them and that being his plan. It’s natural part of life. Going back to “Some times we just choose wrong”; we do… And sometimes that causes death… Texting while driving, bullying, gun violence. We need to take responsibility for when we do choose wrong. And we need to let people grieve BUT BE PRESENT when they are getting through a loss. This writer was spot on. “We learn to carry the loss”. I have had a life I never would have had if my father wouldn’t have committed suicide. I became many different people, travelled all over the world, did things I never would have had the courage to do. Plus I’ve helped people… Lots of them…I know it in my heart. However I also hardened and became reckless and it’s something I’ve really had to watch to protect myself so I don’t do something too stupid, die, and leave my kids like dad left me and ruined my life. The nightly nightmares. The constant wondering Why? And the survivors guilt is happening for the reason of me trying to figure out how to carry the load… Carry on…. But it is NOT God’s plan. I have to find a way to live with the fight my father and I had 3 days before he died. His suicide was his choice. He was the parent. There was something wrong with him. However, I have to learn how to carry the load and I will never say my father ending his life was “God’s Plan”. That was my father’s CHOICE. That was the free will God gave him. Just as it was my free will to lie and pick a fight with him…… But when I go back to my beliefs in coincidences…. They just can’t be shrugged off… So maybe I see them when I am choosing right…..