I needed people to show up for me… and they did

When I was in 8th grade I invited my entire class over for an 8th grade party.  I hand wrote invitations on little notebook squares (part of the problem- horrible handwriting and looked cheesy), my parents bought coolers full of soda, hot dogs, hamburgers, brought out the old school trampoline, 1988 style party preparations were made.  Only 3 or 4 of my classmates showed up.  I was scarred for life and didn’t have any kind of a party for myself until my 38th birthday, then I said screw it, I want a damn party.  I baked, I decorated, I promoted my party like nothing else I had ever done. It was a mild success, as I had fun, got wasted, a friend made me pot brownies, I threw up on my bed in mid conversation to people and then kept right on talking…  but the day of I kept getting texts and messages of people and their excuses for not being able to make it.  I started to freak out and do shots.  Still many friends did show up and I was glad I did it.

This year I turned 40 and I was going to throw myself another party hell or high water!  I went all out. I started sending out invitations 6 months out the old fashion way with stamps.  I invited all 888 of my Facebook friends and posted countdowns daily.  I bought 11 huge pinatas and filled them with prizes, a cotton candy machine, chocolate fountain, custom fortune cookies, tents if people were too drunk to drive home.  I glued 1,000 pieces of candy on my tree, I bought a party tent, bolts of fabric to cover my couches, masks, 7 blow up out door Halloween decorations, lights.  I was not going to let be a repeat of 8th grade.  I just wanted people to show up and I was going to do everything in my power to get them to get their asses here damn it!

What happened?  They showed up for me. 70 people showed up for me.  Yes they knew I would have booze and food and the house was fabulously decorated, but they still showed up to my party.  Doesn’t everyone just want people to show up for them?…. at least one time? I DID…. and damn it, it felt great.  Four friends even flew in; two from Montana, one from Texas and one from Reno. My best friend, Amy came from Montana and it wouldn’t have been a party with out her.  Plus there is no way I could have done it with out her!! Amy and my mother really saved the party! I took on a little too much.  I have big ideas! My friends were a melting pot from different times in my life, from neighbors to fellow actors, to old friends and Hawaiian Tropic girls.  Everyone melded together, everyone got along, and at the end everyone sang karaoke.  I will always remember my 40th Birthday, a birthday made so special because my friends showed up for me, and I needed that to start the next 40 years. Thank you to all of my friends xxxooo.

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Your life would be harder if I stayed

I went to a psychic/ clairvoyant.  I haven’t been to a psychic since my last one, Guinevere, moved to travel a couple years ago.  I never really considered her a psychic, but more of a life coach.  I felt that she told me things that I already knew deep down.  I only saw her a couple of times, but she helped me help myself in giving me direction.  When I found my self in front of the store where I used to see Guinevere, I decided it was time again to see if someone clicked.  I had never seen a psychic since Guinevere because I was worried I would have a bad experience and find a charlatan. When friends or new acquaintances tell me stories of their super natural experiences such as seeing spirits, or unusual things happening, or spirits talking to them I believe them, 100%. My daughter spoke to a woman that had been murdered in a Jacuzzi when she was 3.  I believe, plain and simple.  However, when things happen to me in that area I doubt myself.  A good friends dead mother talked to me in my head once when I was over at his house and I believe my dad, grandfather, and uncle have visited me in my dreams.  However, I still doubt.

I was with my son at the time and asked him if he wanted to see a psychic with me for fun.  He agreed and I picked the first profile I read of a woman named Rachel that is a psychic/ clairvoyant.  The second we walked in she told my son that she knew he had “the gift”. Turns out that my son never told me that my dead father had been talking to him.  He was worried that it would upset me. He sometimes sees him in visions, my father has spoken to him in his head telling him what was going to happen before his football plays, and he has seen him in dreams.  The kicker is Rachel knew specific things my father had said to him and knew specific things my son did that she could have never guessed.  Rachel said my father told him to stop fussing in the bathroom and for the time it takes Jett to do his hair my father could shower, shave, go to the bathroom and get dressed.  I just started laughing more of a nervous laugh because it is so true.  Then Rachel said my father said he will stay out of the bathroom from now on.  She also said my father told him not to be a fireman or a policeman, something in that range.  In the car on the way home Jett told me that my father had told him once in the bathroom not to be a policeman.  Needless to say with this whole thing I am a bit in shock and confused.

My father also had things to say to me which were prominently over and over: “Your life would be harder if I stayed.”  My father and I were arguing through Rachel pretty much, which is pretty much how we left our relationship before he died.  It got to a point where I asked for specifics and he was not shy in giving them.  He said that I would have chosen the wrong crowd of friends to hang out with, the wrong men to date, and he would have left anyway.  Wouldn’t my life have been worse if he just left for 20 years?  I said no because he would still be here.  There would still be a chance. He countered that if he didn’t kill himself that day it would have been another day in the future. He said he was here now, just not alive.  I countered with the fact he is just not here. Not here to be with my kids, for my kids to know him. Again he insisted that he is here. He is with my kids and myself.

Its been a week since this interaction.  I even went back the next day.  I have been really thinking about that statement over and over; “You live would have been harder if I stayed”. I’m really trying to picture my life if he was still here, right now, with my life how it is, because it wouldn’t have turned out the way it has if he would have stayed.  My entire life I would have been wanting his approval on most aspects of my life.  I wouldn’t have chosen certain paths. I probably wouldn’t have left Illinois.  So, if he was here now. Here in my life what would it be like?  In these questions he would be in a good/ playful mood: Would I be afraid to have him around my friends in certain social situations?  Would I be afraid with certain comments that came out of his mouth? Or his disposition?  Would I be embarrassed if he made off color jokes to my girl friends or tried to convince acquaintances of some kind of a get rich quick scheme?  The answer to those questions is yes and it puts a knot in my stomach. If my father was in the same depressive horrible mood as when he died and I visited my mother at the house with my kids and he never got up off the couch how would I feel? What if he never played with my kids like I imagine in my dreams? What if my kids were afraid of him? What if it got so bad I never came to the house with my kids.  What if my kids asked me why grandpa hated them? What if he did interact with my kids, but things were taken too far? What if he took my kids to the race track on school nights? I have really been trying to put myself in these scenarios because I need to.  I have made myself crazy with all the “what ifs” I could have changed about his death, but none of the “what ifs” about if he stayed.  It is very hard for me to answer the what if he stayed questions honestly and my brain actually tries to shut down and not deal with it.  It took me two days to be able to write this. For over 20 years I would only “what if”……he did take my kids on bike rides and to 6 flags, and ride roller coasters, and for ice cream, and teach Jett how to box and play sports, and took Sedona shopping.  What if he walked me down the aisle and built me a house? Would all of those what ifs even have been remotely possible.

I dove into a deep depression yesterday.  I knew what I needed to do to get out of it, the first step is just to get out of bed and get dressed.  That first step is agonizingly hard and I didn’t know if I could do it.  I thought it would take me hours to leave the house. However, one step lead to another like brushing my teeth, eating, putting on my shoes, finding my keys, letting the dogs out/in. All of those mundane small things were just impossibly hard.  Picking up my kids from school, trying to interact with them like a normal person…excruciating.  I made it to a class and just getting my mind in a different mode I could feel myself inching slowly out of the huge wave of fog that came over me. Inch by inch… centimeter by centimeter. At dinner I was able to laugh with the kids in a real way and not a fake just trying to get by way. Today is not as bad.

I feel like I need to stay here though, even with just one foot in.  I need to answer the “what if I stayed”.  My life would have been harder if he stayed.  I will always doubt the psychic and even if it wasn’t real, I will still treat this experience like I did that last psychic, which was as a life coaching experience.  The words are still true even if they were made up and coming from Rachel.  Would my life have been harder if he stayed? All the tears I cried and guilt I have felt for 20 years…could that have been worse?  I will need to think about that.

My father had a weird sense of humor as I do. When I told Rachel that my fathers brother had killed himself several years after my father killed himself she said my father chimed in with: “He had to copy me.” That is just so something that my father would say.  He also said he didn’t care if it was cheating telling Jett the football plays the other team were going to make right before it happened.  I have a hard time remembering actual conversations and his tone from when he was alive, it is just too overwhelming.  When Rachel repeated “He had to copy me” and “I don’t care if it’s cheating” it just plain sounded like him. I remembered his tone. It is just a lot to process.  Writing is how I process.

A couple months ago this poem came in my head.  I guess this would be the hope of how it would be if he stayed. My father was a carpenter.

I can swim through the ocean I can run through the sea. I can climb every mountain. Can you build it for me?

Push on the tire swing, climb balancing high in the sky. Walk a terrifying tight rope . Can you build it for me?

Pretend I’m a princess calling down to my love on my balcony below. Climb my stair case in my tower. Can you build it for me?

A mansion of wonder with paintings and artistry galore. Fine statues and gilded hand carved woodwork and gates made of iron and Stone. Can you build it for me?

you had to copy me

I dont care if it is cheating

shower no fireman

I realize that I shouldn’t have any more kids

The past 12 months I have been going crazy with the pounding of my biological clock.  I had my tubes tied after my second child, but knew if I really really wanted another child I could do In-vitro (suck the eggs out with a needle, have them fertilized and shoot them back in my uterus).  There were two specific reasons why I had my tubes tied;  I KNEW I could only handle two small children. I only thought we should have two children because that would replace us when we died – population control.

It is amazing how nature throws you for a loop at the end of your reproduction years on earth and is pretty much shouting at you: “This is your last chance BITCH…. get pregnant…. YOU NEED ANOTHER BABY.”  It would be all I thought about.  Every crying baby was adorable.  I WANTED to change diapers.  I WANTED to get up six times in the middle of the night and therefore be a zombie during the days.  I WANTED to unintentionally stall my career I have mad some pretty great strides in the past few years……… Wait a minute…. did I want all  of those things?  When I had issues with cysts due to my thyroid medication being adjusted, at one point I was told I would have to have an ovary removed AND I was told I had maybe one more year to even try invitro. I flipped out.  I cried. I was an emotional roller coaster.  I looked into freezing my eggs.  Over and over in my head: “One more year… you are turning 40 and you only have one more year of good eggs….that’s it…then it is over.  You can NO LONGER feel a baby grow inside of you.  You don’t have another chance to really enjoy the baby years that were so hard on you with Sedona and Jett.  No more seeing first steps, or hearing first words, or buying adorable baby clothes.”   It has been a couple months since the freak out.  Life stepped in and I became very busy with my kids and their activities, my projects, my career.  Saturday I watched the movie, Still Alice, and I cried the whole way through.  Alice is diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s due to a genetic condition at age 50.  It is odd to me what resonated in the movie but what did was that she said if she would have known, she wouldn’t have had kids so she wouldn’t have passed it on. (* Her eldest daughter does have the gene and was trying to have a baby. She found out in time where they could test the embryos to make she she didn’t pass it to her child. However, those tests were not available 30 years ago.) What resonated with me is that some people shouldn’t have children for many different reasons.

When I had my tubes tied I knew I could not handle more that two kids, so what changed? Nothing. With my family history of alcohol, depression, suicide, OCD it is a miracle that I am still alive at 40.  In raising my two children I feel like I have done anywhere from a great job in certain areas to a failure in others.  If I had just one more child would that put me over the tipping point to be a failure in more areas?  I think all the time how I could be a better parent in different areas.  When I do see an area that is lacking I instinctively want to say: “Oh it is too late”. I do not want to do the work.  Then I have to push myself to say, “nope, it is never too late.  A perfect example is today.  Yesterday was Sunday and the first day we have had absolutely NOTHING to do in WEEKS. I mean NOTHING!  It was just my son and myself home all day.  I slept until like noon, took a nap at 2pm, Jett watched TV and played video games all day and we watched a couple movies together. At 6pm I decided to get out of bed and do a few chores, but then went back to watching movies with my son and then my daughter came home and we watched another movie.  The day was glorious. I felt all the stress release from my body.  However today with my son home from school because of parent teacher conferences and we have nothing on the to do list until 5 pm all the stress came back and I am all tense.  At 10:30 am I feel like I slept too late, I’m letting him watch too much TV, and video games, I should be doing stuff with him.  Stuff? what stuff? we don’t normally do any stuff besides whats on the schedule for the day.  There is no football practice anymore, no homework to bug him about… OMG!! A bike ride. I’ll take him on a bike ride.  Something I suggested yesterday that never happened, yet I was ok with that.  We are going to go on a bike ride in 15 minutes, so fine… we have accomplished something.  I can check that off the list.  However, there are two issues that make me wonder how good of a parent I am. 1. We NEVER go on bike rides.  What kind of a mom am I?  I used to bike ride all the time when I was a kid with my parents, grandparents, friends. 2. (the opposite) What is wrong with us having two days off in a row doing nothing but watch TV and playing video games?  We never get two days off doing nothing.

With the kids getting older and having to wait on them less there is more free time to do other things like bike ride.  There are no diapers to change, they can make their own snacks, they do spend more time with their friends.  I have more time to myself.  Is it ok for me to have more than one day off in a row to do stuff I like to do like sleep and watch movies?  I even though of reading a book DURING THE DAY.  Or, should I fill that time taking care of a new baby 24/7. Eventually that baby will grow up just like my other kids, I really wont be able to have any more kids. I will have more than one day off in a row and will need to figure out how to fill up that extra time. Maybe now is the time to start finding new fun things I can do with the kids I already have now in this stage of life? Bike riding, throwing the football with them, painting nails with my daughter. I could really work on myself and find it is ok not to have the day filled up with to do lists.  Give time on reflection on what I have accomplished and find solid goals for the future.  My career is important to me and my fulfillment with my soul and being successful in it will not just benefit me, but my children financially and give me the means to help others. So, today I have decided I shouldn’t have anymore kids.  Let’s see what tomorrow holds.

just do anything…this is what $23 can do

Copy of Day two with Homeless….trunk full of ca…: http://youtu.be/AppPocpT-NA

If 99% of people didn’t turn a blind eye to the homeless?

What could happen if EVERYONE cared?

If people did’t say in their heads; “Get a job”? ….. “All just drug addicts?”……”Not my problem.”

TONIGHT, people are going to bed hungry.  TONIGHT, people are shivering.

How many people around the world are one paycheck away from living on the streets?

Who is going to hire someone living on the streets that looks like crap, dirty, smells? Would you?

The 70 year old woman with no teeth I gave a tent to today…. How is she going to get a job?

How many clothes, towels, blankets are in your house that you never use? How many of these items have you just thrown out? Did you ever think about giving them to someone in need?

Only a handful of people have watched this video. No one wants to see.

Happy Birthday…BTW, your son has LICE…come get him

Happy 40th Birthday… Btw: Your son has lice…. I’ve been dreading those words since I had lice when I was 10.  When I frist sent my child to preschool I have been on the look out. I’ve always been a freak about cleaning sheets, not sharing hats, etc. …. After my initial FREAK OUT and research… Guess what? It is what it is. It happens. Only my son has it in our house.  We have checked my daughter 4 times meticulously….Yes, it is a pain in the ass. To get lice you really would have needed to touch your head with an infected persons head or sleep in a bed on someones pillow with them. If you are worried you or your child has lice get a lice comb and check your hair in sections. I also found soaking your hair in white conditioner and then using the comb works GREAT.  You wipe the comb off after each stroke on a white towel to look for bugs or eggs.  You still need to look at the hair and cut or pull a hair out that has an egg on it if you don’t have the best lice comb. The combs in the kits at the store are not the best for getting all the eggs off the hair, but they will find the bugs. I will paste a picture of the best lice comb below.  Really for people living in lice areas like California parents should comb through their kids hair weekly with this comb to do a check. When you get used to the process you could be done in 5 – 10 minutes for regular checks. DO NOT just do the lice treatment you buy in the stores because you are “worried”.  It doesn’t work 100% as lice have become resistant and you don’t want that shit getting into your pores unless you really need to.  THE BEST WAY is to go through it in section with the lice comb.  Yes, it takes a long time, but you are going to have to do it eventually even if you use the chemicals because you have to get all of the eggs out that are glued to the hair.  The chemicals do not kill them all, if any and if you leave one egg in there you are screwed. I wish the school notified us when classmates get it or check everyone… But they don’t. In fact according to my son’s school: “We only do lice checks in the classroom or send out letters to the parents if we (THE SCHOOL) find two students that have live lice on them.”….SOOOOO if they aren’t doing any checks how are they going to find two students with live lice on them????? They didn’t even want to count my kid saying that I found the lice. I had to remind them that THEY DID… THEY CALLED ME. My son went to the office because his head was itchy so they had to check him.  I realize that they don’t want people to freak out and drag their kids out of school creating a panic pouring chemicals on kids heads and missing all of that fun common core math, but denial doesn’t work either.  How about just giving all the information on what to do?  I think like most parents you want to keep this hidden and don’t want anyone to know, as there is a HUGE stigma, but I don’t think that’s the way to go. That’s how it turns into an epidemic. We went to a lice hair salon (noliceleftbehind.com) to make sure it’s taken care of. It’s worth the $75 and there is a recheck in 5 days. They also do hair checks if you can’t check yourself. I sincerely apologize to anyone my son was around. It does suck. ……. So many things in life do, but lots of things suck more…. Like death, taxes, the ER, car accidents and the flu. So I’m sucking it up.

THINGS TO DO: Lice prevention- detection. 1. Don’t panic….. 2. Get a great lice comb…. 3. Wash and condition hair LEAVING SOME CONDITIONER IN…… 4. Comb through hair in sections and after each swipe wipe on a white towel…. 5. If you have school aged kids do this every week.

IF YOU SEE LICE….THE BEST thing is to comb in sections. The chemical treatment does not solve the problem. It will kill most live bugs not all eggs.  If you want it done right and quick google a lice hair removal salon.  It is worth it!

You don’t have to wash EVERYTHING. You can just put things in the dryer for 30 minutes or in a sealed garbage bag for 24 hours.  If lice don’t have a human head for 24 hours they die…..PERIOD ( I have been a freak about washing the sheets over and over and over and over….:) 10424276_10204271039590632_7158915029548284626_n 10407856_10204271039750636_6240353170051801922_n