Lost Love- Finding myself through men

All that matters in life is love. Love is the most important thing. We all have heard this time and time again, and to a certain extent we believe it, but there are always doubts along the way. We NEED a new car even though our current one is just fine. I HAVE to have these pair of shoes, even though I have 95 pairs. If we gave enough love and were given enough love would we need that new car or more shoes? What is enough love? I am loved deeply and fully by my children. I could never ask for any more pure, incredible love. They saved my life. Why is it that I just want that much love to be given to me in a partner? I have found that Im finding who I am through men. I have always sought out a partner… since before kindergarten… I wanted a man, a confidont, the love of my life. Someone to share my soul with. In my chase for the unattainable I have gotten close with many of the opposite sex and due to my persistence they did share a lot of themselves with me right up to the point they pushed me away and sometimes after. Even later in life connections revistted to try an answer questions of who each other is.. or was.

It is a daugntless task to find someone to share your soul with. Most just can not handle that much of a connection or that much honesty. It scares them. I have never been afraid to share my soul, but I fear my soul is too overwhelming for most to see, feel, hold.

I am always willing to bend, modify, try again for relationships that aren’t meant to be. I will keep trying until I am just hurt one too many times being denied love and then I will cry and fade away. I will lose the connection I so tried to keep from severing. Once it is gone there is no sodering it back. No appologies that can undue that much pain and hurt. Overwhlmed with not being loved I either retreat into my tears or passionately look to fill the void with another because the pain is too deep. My heart clentched by a giant while my soul is ripping away from me. The loss is like a death. Please just make this pain go away. How can anyone handle so much pain?

….and then the cycle repeats

I feel as though each time a connection come and goes I do learn more and more about who I am and who I want to be.  I learn what I am willing to change about myself and what I demand to hold on to.   I also learn that men have feeling too.  Even if they can be harsh, they can also be hurt by words too.

I believe I evolve each time and learn big lessons.  Sometimes, most times, I wish that the lessons will just stop, my heart will be full, and there will no need to look any further.

 

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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