Who are you?

I’ve never colored inside the lines. I’ve always challenged “the rules” set by other people. I’ve never just believed everything that was told to me. I’ve always listened, but not always followed. I have been told not to attempt to try numerous things, but have always done them anyway. It has always taken me more than one try to achieve the goals I have wanted to obtain, but they have never been small goals. I have not taken a lot of advice I should have because I needed to learn the lessons on my own. I have loved and lost with pain at times, but never with regrets. I have sacraficed things from myself for others in more need that I when I was told not to care. I have spoken up when I was told to shut up. I have moved forward when it would have been easier to stand still and stay where I was. I have hurt people I love and punished myself for their pain. I have at times wanted to raise the white flag in defeat, but I never have. I have always climbed back up the cliff with my finger nails. I am me and I need to never forget that. Who are you?

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The Universe Tested me and I failed; Greed and Game Shows

I consider myself a generous person… or I did.  I enjoy helping friends, giving gifts, bringing food and blankets to the homeless.  I used to donate money to various organizations and random homeless people on the street when I had a real job..etc.  A lot of people I know see my posts of me bringing candy to the homeless and congratulate me on caring. I “liked to think” that if I was down to my last dollar I would give it away.  Well it turns out that when I’m caught off guard, am borrowing my daughters babysitting money because I haven’t worked in a while, and a car is on the line I’m only willing to give away half of it.

It was a perfect week, a perfect day, and I had a perfect plan.  My best friend was getting married.  She came into town a few days before her wedding and we were going to “DO LA” until we flew back up to Montana for “The Wedding”.  I was the Maid of Honor.  I had never been the Maid of Honor in a wedding before and I wanted to do a great job.  I wanted everything to be perfect.  As this was her second marriage and she didn’t want a shower or a Bachelorette party, I had to be creative.  I said I would do the flowers, I took her out to lunch, but there had to be more.  The pressure was on.  A couple weeks before I had taken my mom on the show Let’s Make a Deal.  Now the background in me and game shows: I am a NUT… I have tried to get on the Price is Right and Let’s Make a Deal probably a combined total of at least 15 times since I was 20 years old.  The first time was The Price is Right with my best Childhood friend Genana.  We were sooooo excited we got there the night before at 11 pm and stayed up all night.  We blew the interview because we were so tired and another person in line gave us bad sabotage advice by telling us that they picked a quiet person the last time he was there… we didn’t get picked.  This was a MAJOR blow as I have been watching game shows DAILY since I was born with my grandma.  Because of not getting picked I boycotted the show for several years.  There is nothing more torturous then waiting for your name to be called, on the edge of your seat SIX times and being deflated each time.  However, I did get over it and when I moved back to LA and friends would come visit me I would take them to The Price is Right or Let’s Make a Deal.  I just could not let it go.  Every time I amped up the energy.  I tried to be happy and spunky and loud.  It was never enough.  I had even brought Amy a few years ago and when we were interviewed I said I enjoyed singing karaoke while horse back-riding and I sang to the beat of the horses hooves (I was taking improv classes at the time.  I thought I was hilarious…. They did not)  Sooooo….. A couple weeks before the wedding I take my mom to Lets Make a Deal (I’ve taken her about 3 times).  We are fun.  We are smiling, laughing, having fun…. MY MOTHER GETS PICKED…. WHAT???? AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.  She ends up getting Zonked.  Shes still not over it… that’s another story.

Cut two two weeks later… wedding week.  I am CONVINCED that if Amy and I go she will get picked.  Its her wedding that Saturday.  We dressed up as Bride and Maid of Honor.  I decorated the car and had my mom drop us off in front honking.  I coached Amy.  Kept poking her to smile and jump up and down…. for hours.  I was on it.  My best friend was going to get picked.  This was my gift to her because I was poor and hadn’t booked a job in a while.  I had even been trying to get a part time job in a bar… NO ONE would hire me.  Apparently I’m too old for bar work….. She was going to get picked and she was going to play for a car.  I knew she would win it and I wanted her to have that car.  There was no discussion prior about us splitting anything either of us won because, she was the bride and she was going to be picked NOT ME.  I didn’t want her to split anything with me.  NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAMS DID I THINK I WOULD GET PICKED.  I had tried like 15 … or more times plus… I’M NOT the BRIDE.  After a couple games and a couple breaks of us dancing and smiling to the cameras (and me poking Amy to keep the perma smile on because they are watching… they are always watching) I see one of the cameras pointed our way.  “This is it I thought!  Amy is getting picked now”….. And they are back… and Wayne calls my name…. and I run down… and he announces I am playing for a car……. It is really all a blur.  he asks me like “what am I dressed as”…. I respond with; its Amys wedding in Montana on Saturday… I give her a shout out.  The camera goes to her…… she smiles… people clap.  WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID  (AND I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT EVERY DAY SINCE) ” Anything I win I will give to Amy for her wedding”.  And I SWEAR if I would have thought it out ahead of time I would have.  I would have even just reached in to pick out a tire instead of messing them up because all the good tires are probably on top.  They want you to win…. but again… NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD GET PICKED.  AMY WAS THE BRIDE.

I did not win the car.  I even failed further after by telling Amy: “You know I would have split the car with you”.  Split the car?  She was the bride.  It was HER car.  I don’t care how poor I was or how EVERYONE in my life continued to tell me how poor I was and to get a part time job, I am a giving person damn it.  I’m mother f’in Mother Teresa….. Well… turns out… I’m not, and I have thought a lot about this.  I have a long way to go in the giving department.  I will only give when I have enough.  I have never donated my “really good” clothes or shoes.  I am not volunteering at the soup kitchen every night or taking in homeless people.  I am very pro refugee, but have I ever welcomed one into my home?… no…..   The point is?  I have a long long way to go.  The Universe did test me… and I failed.  I got greedy.  I let all the doubters who refuse to loan me money when I’m poor, who whisper in my ear to get a job get to me. (they do have a valid point; I am irresponsible and currently want 50 pink yard flamingos… however)  I was not my noble self that day.  I can be better.  Now I owe Amy a damn car…. I need a job. xo

Lost Love- Finding myself through men

All that matters in life is love. Love is the most important thing. We all have heard this time and time again, and to a certain extent we believe it, but there are always doubts along the way. We NEED a new car even though our current one is just fine. I HAVE to have these pair of shoes, even though I have 95 pairs. If we gave enough love and were given enough love would we need that new car or more shoes? What is enough love? I am loved deeply and fully by my children. I could never ask for any more pure, incredible love. They saved my life. Why is it that I just want that much love to be given to me in a partner? I have found that Im finding who I am through men. I have always sought out a partner… since before kindergarten… I wanted a man, a confidont, the love of my life. Someone to share my soul with. In my chase for the unattainable I have gotten close with many of the opposite sex and due to my persistence they did share a lot of themselves with me right up to the point they pushed me away and sometimes after. Even later in life connections revistted to try an answer questions of who each other is.. or was.

It is a daugntless task to find someone to share your soul with. Most just can not handle that much of a connection or that much honesty. It scares them. I have never been afraid to share my soul, but I fear my soul is too overwhelming for most to see, feel, hold.

I am always willing to bend, modify, try again for relationships that aren’t meant to be. I will keep trying until I am just hurt one too many times being denied love and then I will cry and fade away. I will lose the connection I so tried to keep from severing. Once it is gone there is no sodering it back. No appologies that can undue that much pain and hurt. Overwhlmed with not being loved I either retreat into my tears or passionately look to fill the void with another because the pain is too deep. My heart clentched by a giant while my soul is ripping away from me. The loss is like a death. Please just make this pain go away. How can anyone handle so much pain?

….and then the cycle repeats

I feel as though each time a connection come and goes I do learn more and more about who I am and who I want to be.  I learn what I am willing to change about myself and what I demand to hold on to.   I also learn that men have feeling too.  Even if they can be harsh, they can also be hurt by words too.

I believe I evolve each time and learn big lessons.  Sometimes, most times, I wish that the lessons will just stop, my heart will be full, and there will no need to look any further.