This is Suicide

Apparently today is suicide prevention day…..so I will share….BUT NO COMMENTS….(not your fault, brave, blah blah) or I’m not going to share again. I know life can be Shitty. I get depressed all the time….however….you just have to suck it up….and I know how excruciatingly hard it can be. I’ve been so depressed that it is physically and mentally painful. It’s like my soul was put into a vice and squeezed and as I get older it gets worse. Know that if you end your life you are not just ending your life, but PERMENENTLY altering everyone that loves you’s life too. Even the people that you think hate you will be damaged. Because everyone is going to feel guilt and wonder what they could have done to stop you. If you just wouldn’t have had that fight…..If you just would have accepted that offer to go out to lunch…. The “if onlys” will drive anyone crazy. Yesterday at the hair place random memories flooded my brain when my hair was being washed. My mind flashed back to when i was a kid and I used to go to the mall with my dad to get his hair cut, dance class, get a slice of pizza, the confectionery, red laces, and when he used to take me to Hallmark after dance class and I could pick out stickers for my “very cool” sticker collection. My memories are good ones, of my dad smiling and laughing and we just had fun hanging out. Then the sadness swoops in because I just can’t allow myself to be that happy like I was in those memories. Because WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I don’t understand what happened to my dad. He shot, hung himself and set our house on fire? It is not possible and aliens must have swept down and swapped him out. Or how much did I influence his change? I defied him…. I left the house… I said horrible things to this great man that gave me everything… I lied… I was cruel…. We had a horrible fight….We weren’t speaking when he died… Some 24 years later and the why’s still haunt me. (Now here’s where everyone that loves me freaks out- yes I know he was an adult, I was a teenager, would you blame your daughter, it was his choice) yes, yes…. I know…. But unless you experienced THE EXACT things I did just shut it. No amount of therapy is going to make my brain understand what happened. The more time that goes by the more happy memories my brain is allowing me to remember. I used to not be able to see his face. Now I can. The happy memories are EXCRUCIATING. but I am really really trying to enjoy them, because I want to know that I was really really happy once upon a time and not just making it through the day. Slowly maybe that pure joy can come back. But it is painful…. Whenever I’m too happy I worry something bad will happen, especially to my kids… So my brain tells me not to be too happy…..tone it down… Because WHEN something bad happens it’s better to fall from a shorter ladder…..if I’m too happy the ladder is too high and it’s more painful to fall off of. Which is totally ridiculous I know….I KNOW…. So…. Don’t ruin other people’s lives because you think yours sucks. Double up on your Prozac, just get out of the house and walk around the block, pet a puppy. I am a prime example of the aftermath of suicide. My kids will never know their grandfather. They will never really get that he wasn’t crazy his entire life… And I will have to cry every time memories surface of a great loving man that always took me to buy stickers after dance class….. I mean it…no comments…. Or texts….mother…

2016 Update

This stupid day again. I wrote this last year. I don’t know if this day does anything to help. It should be talk about Suicide with everyone you know day because it is such a taboo subject nothing is going to change unless it is talked about openly. There is so much shame tied to it, yet every single person I know has been horribly sad some time in their lives…. a man just attempted on my block. It’s hush hush. It’s a choice. We all have them. Do we stay or do we go. If you are elderly, alone, dying, in pain and you want to end it I actually am for people’s choice to end it, if it is done in a way that won’t harm others for the rest of their lives. However, when you involve other people, have family and friends that love you, this is what you are “choosing” to do.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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