Something else…..

I was thrown off a horse in 2011. If I wasn’t wearing a helmet they said I would have died.  However, I did die… for a couple minutes, and during that time I had my near death experience which was a life review.  I have written about it numerous times. When the rescue workers got to me on the mountain they were going to air lift me out my blood pressure was so low…..so what happened in that ten or twenty minutes it took them to get to me?  I have thousands of doubts as to what I should believe in as far as which political candidate to support and believe.  I constantly wonder if I have said the right things to people, made the right career choice, am installing the correct morales and values in my children, disciplining and encouraging them properly so I don’t screw them up.  However there is one thing I never doubt after my life review and that is that there IS something else after we take our last breath on this earth.  I have never believed in anything this absolute. Not God, or Jesus, or the Bible, or Koran, or my parents or my teachers.  However, with 100% certainly; There is something else after we leave this human body we are temporarily occupying.  I’ve read books on near death experiences, I’ve studied all the religions to a basic standard. With all that knowledge I came to the belief that we come to earth to learn lessons.  We have specific ones we are supposed to learn. If we don’t… back we come, but it is our choice to come back here.  I believe in reincarnation, and so did the church until they decided not to.  That is why I believe “some” of the Bible.  I was accused by a religious friend of mine that I was making up my own religion by picking and choosing things out of the Bible, but I do not agree.  ALL religions are based on Love and the Golden Rule…all of them…. Some people with agendas, including Constantine, decided what was going to make it into the final draft of the Bible, and terrorists do the same things today. Twist words and meanings to inspire hate and rage. Those things feel good.  If people are hurt and unhappy it makes people feel better to have people as hurt as they are.  Rage and fear are the most dangerous weapons and drugs, but they can and eventually are always destroyed by Love.

So, these are my beliefs…. now what? In my day to day life I get sad just like everyone else….I’m probably indifferent most of the time.  It is hard to let love lead my day. And when someone I love dies….. forget it….I’m done.  Good people shouldn’t die young.  Mother’s and fathers should never lose a child. Take the bad people. Kill all the murderers and child molesters. Expand the death penalty to people who abuse children and animals.  Make some kind of a test and if people are over 95% bad end their life.  Save the good people. Save the people that are trying to help others and make the world a better place. But when I know that none of this will ever happen, and good people are still going to die before their time, I want to say “Screw it…. it’s just not worth it… let’s just set the world on fire now and watch it burn”.  And because I know there is something else after this life….why not? This life is bullshit.

And then I see a baby…. or a toddler….and they are like an infection of life, love, cuteness… you can’t curse life and God while holding a happy baby….it’s impossible…. now when it’s 3am and you can’t get them to sleep maybe, just kidding….. Seeing new life, like the one growing inside my best friends belly really screws me up.  Because I want to be so angry at life for taking my cousin away from her parents from cancer, for taking baby Rowan before his second birthday, for all the victims of terrorists attacks, for letting my friend getting raped and molested…All of these people are scarred for life.  It will never be the same, darkness will always be looming, and happiness will forever make them feel wrong.  Then you see New life, a baby, children playing, their laughter filling the house, and you think maybe…just maybe it is worth it to go on……let’s not start the fire just yet.  Maybe things can turn around.

And if you look outside and see a butterfly fluttering above a giggling child playing with a puppy while a blue bird bathes in puddle of water near by, as a sunflower in the garden turns with the moving sun…… you realize there is beauty in this world…it’s just impossible to hold on to it forever.

 

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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