I’m Pro Choice, but I regret my abortion…

I guess it’s really that simple.  Every one should have the right to choose what happens to them… Sometimes we don’t.  Accidents happen… good and bad.  Some women are raped; definitely not a choice.  For me, I was 17 and got pregnant in my car on Valentines Day.  My father had killed himself the previous year.  I was still a mess.  My boyfriend and I thought terminating the pregnancy was the best decision.  I had just started community college.  We could not even imagine how our families would react with disappointment and shame.  We were just not ready to be parents.

The day of the abortion was horrible.  This is not something you do lightly and for fun.  This is a moment in life that will be etched in your mind forever.  Giving them a fake name, filling out paperwork with fake information worried we would get busted at anytime.  Going back in the waiting room by myself with the other knocked up girls.  The waiting.  Seeing the girl before me come out after hers was done with her shirt covered in blood.  She looked like a zombie.  My turn, and I would be awake for the entire thing because we didn’t have enough money for the anesthesia. The doctor joking with me while my legs were spread open in the stir ups because the fake name I gave rhymed with sex.  The pain.  The uncomfortable pain.  The noise of the vacuum.  Going back in the waiting room with the girls to rest on a cot to make sure I wouldn’t die before they kicked me out.  Then the after.  The shame.

My boyfriend and I broke up about 7 months later.  About two years later I found out he had a baby with another girl.  I sobbed.  Why not with me? I was hysterical.

Jump to when I chose to have kids.  At the 12 week ultra sound I saw my son sucking his thumb.  I was shocked.  He was already a person.  I think for the abortion I had to wait until I was 8-10 weeks,  I will forever think I killed my baby.

However, I STILL believe every woman has the right to chose.  She and she alone will have to live with the choice she made and carry the loss for a lifetime.  If a woman is raped how can anyone expect her to keep it?  Tell her she has to.  She was forced to have sex now she is being forced into an 18 to life commitment. Raising a child is HARD.  It is harder than I ever imagined it would be. When they were babies I thought it was hard.  You could at least control them a little.  Stick them in a playpen for a while.  When they want to do things like cross the street or go to the mall with friends? Get ready for the nervous heart attack. I love my children more than anything.  They are the reason I breathe.  I believe there is no point to life unless we have kids and pass whatever we know on.  However, How many children are in foster care or waiting to be adopted? Too many.  Every Pro life wing nut should have to adopt an unwanted child before they are allowed to hold up a protest sign.

If I had chosen to keep my first baby my life would have been completely different.  I have been blessed to do extraordinary things that would not have been possible if I had a child. However, when I look at my two children and see how amazing they are, I wonder what kind of an amazing child I gave up, and I wouldn’t hesitate to give up all my experiences back to have the child back.  Because…. well I’m over all the experiences.  I had fun…. but it’s over and did it all really matter? I’m now sitting here at my computer almost 41.  Excitement and travel ends.  I’d still be here numerous scenarios later. Seeing my kids grow up and experience things gives me much more joy than remembering a trip to Italy. Because they are here, right in the next room and they never leave.  Even when they go off to college Ill still “have them”. Children are the most important experience….. But for some women they are “when they are ready”. or never at all and that is their CHOICE..

Stop the hate.  Everyone has a story. Work on yourselves before you punish others for their beliefs.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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