Taking Responsibility. Words Hurt. Actions Hurt.

I had a conversation with my therapist today, an honest one, and he listened. He didn’t want to agree with me, but I know on a certain level he did.  Suicide: those left behind blame themselves; friends of those that blames themselves tell them it is not their fault. It is the person that killed themselves fault; They did it, it was their choice, they were selfish, how could they inflict so much pain on themselves, family and friends.

Here is a statement of truth: I know I was just a teenager.  I know my father was MY parent, THE adult. I KNOW he killed himself. I know it is not my fault.  However, I also know that the moment he died he thought to his core that I hated him. I KNOW the last exchange I had with him I disobeyed him by taking the truck to school when he asked me not to. I SAW the look on his face when he walked our dog and I was in the truck driving to school.  I KNOW that the reason he left 3 days before he died was because of a fight I started. I KNOW in that fight I blamed him for something he did not do. I KNOW I lied. I KNOW I told him I hated him. I KNOW that I wished him dead, not to his face, but the words were spoken in my mind.  All of those facts are just always there. They will always haunt me.

Of course there was something wrong with my father. He hurt me too.  He refused to come into the kitchen to sing Happy Birthday to me on my 16th Birthday. For months he wouldn’t let me in the house. For months he didn’t speak to me. One day he changed and he just never could come back to the same person he was. However, I know he tried. Days he tried to reach out for me I shut him out.  Nights I cried in my bed he refused to say he was sorry.

My point is; words have meaning. People do hear what you say to them, and they feel what you say and do to them, sometimes forever. Teach your children how much meaning words have. Bullying is real and a horrible problem. Teach them not to hate… Teach them just how important love is. Teach how important forgiveness is and how to apologize.

More on this subject later.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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