Tapeworms, Suicide, Sickness, Depression and moving forward

February 21-

I feel like a lot of my friends are going through bad times. Just know…. You are not alone…. I’m up and down every other day. Today is the first day my spirits are starting high since January17th when I got tapeworms from eating bad sushi…..and saying my spirits are high doesn’t mean my body is fine. … My abdomen doesn’t feel weird anymore, but I still have the remnants of a head cold. I’m just starting to accept the fact that no matter how healthy I am my body just sucks…plus Jett has missed 22 days of school this year so apparently he inherited my immune system..which makes me even more sad…. Keep on going my fellow sick people…. I read an article that in like 30 years no one will be sick because nanobugs will be injected in our body to kill germs…..so we have that to look forward to.
As far as our brains and how with people wired like myself, a switch can flip sometimes over something that is minor…. Sometimes major…..we just have to work to flip the switch the other way….. And sometimes that can seem impossible… But we can do it…. I would say my switch is somewhere in the middle….while my spirits are starting high today I know they will dip. My friends and family help to keep it going. I know I am very blessed. However, things happen and I will share this…. I found out last week that my ex husband killed himself 3 years ago. He stepped in front of a train. He leaves behind 2 kids. I hadn’t communicated with him last in probably 6 years. He had emailed me saying he forgave me for leaving and he had a wonderful life with his wife, kids, career, and snowmobile racing. However, knowing that does not soften the blow. My father, uncle, cousin and now ex husband killed themselves. I loved my ex husband and that love didn’t go away when I left him. When I left him I was just running away from him, my father’s suicide, my family, my life….. I figured out I could run away, invent a new life…. And I did. The past might be the past. We are told to let go, live in the now, but the past is what made the now. We can’t just turn our backs on the past. Sometimes we have to deal with it or it will eat us alive. I’ve been dealing with the past for the past 5 years rebuilding friendships I threw away when I ran away. The news of my ex is still processing. For 2 days I just cried. It’s not about blaming myself…guilt…. It’s just the loss….a violent death….just like my father’s. The message….I don’t know…but to all my friends who have kids….we go one for them..if you don’t have kids get a pet….if you don’t have kids or a pet you are stronger than I will ever be.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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