The past 12 months I have been going crazy with the pounding of my biological clock. I had my tubes tied after my second child, but knew if I really really wanted another child I could do In-vitro (suck the eggs out with a needle, have them fertilized and shoot them back in my uterus). There were two specific reasons why I had my tubes tied; I KNEW I could only handle two small children. I only thought we should have two children because that would replace us when we died – population control.
It is amazing how nature throws you for a loop at the end of your reproduction years on earth and is pretty much shouting at you: “This is your last chance BITCH…. get pregnant…. YOU NEED ANOTHER BABY.” It would be all I thought about. Every crying baby was adorable. I WANTED to change diapers. I WANTED to get up six times in the middle of the night and therefore be a zombie during the days. I WANTED to unintentionally stall my career I have mad some pretty great strides in the past few years……… Wait a minute…. did I want all of those things? When I had issues with cysts due to my thyroid medication being adjusted, at one point I was told I would have to have an ovary removed AND I was told I had maybe one more year to even try invitro. I flipped out. I cried. I was an emotional roller coaster. I looked into freezing my eggs. Over and over in my head: “One more year… you are turning 40 and you only have one more year of good eggs….that’s it…then it is over. You can NO LONGER feel a baby grow inside of you. You don’t have another chance to really enjoy the baby years that were so hard on you with Sedona and Jett. No more seeing first steps, or hearing first words, or buying adorable baby clothes.” It has been a couple months since the freak out. Life stepped in and I became very busy with my kids and their activities, my projects, my career. Saturday I watched the movie, Still Alice, and I cried the whole way through. Alice is diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s due to a genetic condition at age 50. It is odd to me what resonated in the movie but what did was that she said if she would have known, she wouldn’t have had kids so she wouldn’t have passed it on. (* Her eldest daughter does have the gene and was trying to have a baby. She found out in time where they could test the embryos to make she she didn’t pass it to her child. However, those tests were not available 30 years ago.) What resonated with me is that some people shouldn’t have children for many different reasons.
When I had my tubes tied I knew I could not handle more that two kids, so what changed? Nothing. With my family history of alcohol, depression, suicide, OCD it is a miracle that I am still alive at 40. In raising my two children I feel like I have done anywhere from a great job in certain areas to a failure in others. If I had just one more child would that put me over the tipping point to be a failure in more areas? I think all the time how I could be a better parent in different areas. When I do see an area that is lacking I instinctively want to say: “Oh it is too late”. I do not want to do the work. Then I have to push myself to say, “nope, it is never too late. A perfect example is today. Yesterday was Sunday and the first day we have had absolutely NOTHING to do in WEEKS. I mean NOTHING! It was just my son and myself home all day. I slept until like noon, took a nap at 2pm, Jett watched TV and played video games all day and we watched a couple movies together. At 6pm I decided to get out of bed and do a few chores, but then went back to watching movies with my son and then my daughter came home and we watched another movie. The day was glorious. I felt all the stress release from my body. However today with my son home from school because of parent teacher conferences and we have nothing on the to do list until 5 pm all the stress came back and I am all tense. At 10:30 am I feel like I slept too late, I’m letting him watch too much TV, and video games, I should be doing stuff with him. Stuff? what stuff? we don’t normally do any stuff besides whats on the schedule for the day. There is no football practice anymore, no homework to bug him about… OMG!! A bike ride. I’ll take him on a bike ride. Something I suggested yesterday that never happened, yet I was ok with that. We are going to go on a bike ride in 15 minutes, so fine… we have accomplished something. I can check that off the list. However, there are two issues that make me wonder how good of a parent I am. 1. We NEVER go on bike rides. What kind of a mom am I? I used to bike ride all the time when I was a kid with my parents, grandparents, friends. 2. (the opposite) What is wrong with us having two days off in a row doing nothing but watch TV and playing video games? We never get two days off doing nothing.
With the kids getting older and having to wait on them less there is more free time to do other things like bike ride. There are no diapers to change, they can make their own snacks, they do spend more time with their friends. I have more time to myself. Is it ok for me to have more than one day off in a row to do stuff I like to do like sleep and watch movies? I even though of reading a book DURING THE DAY. Or, should I fill that time taking care of a new baby 24/7. Eventually that baby will grow up just like my other kids, I really wont be able to have any more kids. I will have more than one day off in a row and will need to figure out how to fill up that extra time. Maybe now is the time to start finding new fun things I can do with the kids I already have now in this stage of life? Bike riding, throwing the football with them, painting nails with my daughter. I could really work on myself and find it is ok not to have the day filled up with to do lists. Give time on reflection on what I have accomplished and find solid goals for the future. My career is important to me and my fulfillment with my soul and being successful in it will not just benefit me, but my children financially and give me the means to help others. So, today I have decided I shouldn’t have anymore kids. Let’s see what tomorrow holds.