My son, Jett finally went back to school today. He has been out since Monday with some kind of virus that made him cough non stop during the day. I’m exhausted and I am not the one that was sick! I don’t even feel like I did that great of a job taking care of him. I feel like I was too frustrated, wasn’t as comforting as I should have been, and I did not get anything done all week. The house is not even that picked up and I haven’t gone anywhere. Basically, I feel like a mom failure.
Last week when we were all healthy I do remember saying to myself, “We are all healthy. No one is sick. Enjoy this moment.” I’m glad I did. It’s not like Jett was even THAT sick this week. It was just a slight fever a couple days.. and that never ending COUGH. However, there is ALWAYS that nagging voice deep inside me that says: “What if I’m wrong? What if it is something worse?”… then the panic sets in…. because my best friends toddler died in his sleep nine years ago this week. My son went to bed two days ago just like my best friends son did nine years and two days ago. My son woke up the next morning and her son didn’t. I can not put into words nor conceive the pain my friend deals with every single day. It is always there. The loss never goes away or even dulls. This past week I’ve checked on my son at various times in the night to make sure he was breathing, but even if I was right next to him sleeping I would have to have a heart monitor on him to know how he was doing every second of the night. My friends wife died in her sleep a month ago and he was lying right next to her…. He didn’t know. I took my son to the doctor yesterday and the advice was just to rest another day…. When that is the advice you feel like you wasted a trip and money going to the doctor. I recently went to the emergency room for 4 hours due to a cyst in my ovary and the bill was 15k reduced to 10k ( because I had insurance) and it is only my responsibility to pay (thank goodness), $100. However, and ultra sound I had done a week earlier cost $800. Again the diagnosis was… just wait and see. I question myself all the time: “Should I go to the doctor? Do I really need to take the kids to the doctor? Is it worth it?” My son sprained is ankle last week and the school made me go to the doctor for a diagnosis of: “Stay off if it for a while.”….. Really? No shit?
There really is no point to this post. I am not drawing any conclusions. I do know that maybe it is a blessing I am too old now to have any more kids, even though my body has wanted them desperately this past year. I just don’t think I could handle the anxiety of the baby, toddler and preschool years when the kids get sick…. and it turns into nighttime. I have so many friends now with babies that think it is so easy. I’m happy for them that they don’t know. I’m happy their new babies haven’t been sick. They are in the dark on just how scary it can be when your child is sick. That kids do die in their sleep. Kids can die of the flu or a virus you thought was just part of kids getting sick. For illnesses we do have vaccines for they really do save lives. Talk to some elderly people. See how many kids in their families and surrounding families died from diseases that are now preventable. However, some things are not preventable, and there are millions of parents around the world that are grieving for children they have lost whether it be last night or 90 years ago. Have compassion for everyone. When you are healthy enjoy every second.