Sitting out in from of my grandparents house on their steps staring at my house which was right next door. Just one firetruck and an ambulance left, probably a cop car too. The road blocked off, but blocked off too close. Neighbors coming to look. Looking and the house with a hole in its roof. Looking at the scene. Why are they there? They haven’t even spoken to my family in moths if not years. They had to walk down here? Why? So THEY could feel bad? So they could see what happened? Why won’t they go away? I run into my grandparents house. I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want them to give me “that look”… that: “I”M SO SORRY FOR YOU LOOK”. Just go away. You don’t know me. You don’t know what it has been like the last six months.
GO AWAY! I want to watch my father being brought out in a body bag by myself. I want to think about running over to him before he is put into the ambulance and open the bag. I want to see him. It can’t be true. He can’t have just set the house and himself on fire as he shot and hung himself. It can’t be true. Just go away. i don’t want anyone here. I know you are sorry. I don’t need a stupid card to tell me that. Just go away. You didn’t come before this. You stayed away. Please just stay away now. No phone calls, no cards, no letters, no flowers. Just stay away. I need time to figure this out. I need time to blame myself, go go over and over each memory trying to find things I could have changed. Just go away. I need to sob into my boyfriends arms. He was there for me. he has been there the whole time. I didn’t ask for you to come. Just go away. Just go away, you will never understand. Just go away. Go help someone else before they are like my father, myself, my mother, my family. It is too late for us. Just go away.