The wave of Depression

It just folds over me. I’ve been fighting and holding it back all day. I lost the battle yet again. At 2:38 in the morning I just want to run. I want to go home or lock myself in the Looney bin. The pain grips my chest. Tears flow. The roof of my mouth swells. I know this will go away. I know I was happy…. Really happy just two days ago. I can rationalize it. I understand it.. but I can’t push it back. I know it is being here….in Illinois…the state where I grew up in a wonderful picture perfect dream of a childhood. I know that dream changed. My dad’s personality changed. I can understand the past, his suicide, but I can not accept what I lost. I just want to go back. I just want it all back. I love my kids and I love my life now. However, I just know what I lost. I lost part of my soul. I lost part of my joy. But when I try to get it back it’s too painful and I push it away like I push most people away. I must keep a safe distance.
I want to go home, to a home that no longer exists.
I want to go back to a childlike joy I will never feel again.
I ….don’t know what I want….
I don’t know.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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