My Biological Clock….

I will be 40 November 4th. I CANNOT believe this as I still don’t think I’m old enough to vote. I’m supposed to be responsible enough to raise my spawn? Hell to the NO! I don’t even think I should be allowed to make my own decisions. I want to go back and live with my parents when I was 10. Please feed me and do my laundry…..but wait…I also want to drive, and have my own car and do what I want……FUCK… Adulthood is a trap!
At 30, when I gave birth to my second child I KNEW that two kids was all I could handle. I still came unglued when they would cry. I couldn’t stand when they were in pain. I felt like a knife was being imbedded in my heart and twisted. I had the doctor sodder my tubes… Not just ” tied” but cut and then burned. I knew I could not be a good mother to more than two kids. While I don’t think I “attach” as much as I should to that mother -child bond immediately, because of my father’s suicide, I still can NOT handle my children being in any kind of pain or crying. It is like daggers to my soul.
Yet here at a KOA campsite 10 years later I hear this one year old crying at the tent site RIGHT next to ours and I think to myself…” I want one…or twins.. or three of them….I WANT THEM!” ,I know the poor mother is probably ridden with guilt and shame knowing that her child is keeping up the entire campground at midnight… But I still want more babies. I swear my body has fake pregnancies every month even if I don’t have sex. Some times I think maybe I am Mary…. I want a baby.
I thought I was Alone in this until I spoke to a friend of mine who can no longer have kids. She said the same thing happened to her around 40….. So haha….. Suck it society…THIS IS NORMAL…..I AM NORMAL…FOR ONCE….AND I WANT BABIES!!!

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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