Depression game

Depression….it can be sort of a game can’t it? A game of just trying not to fall into it. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, but I use my OCD to keep it at bay. I fixate on something…..but sometimes it’s just time not to fixate on anything… To learn how to just be still.. .be happy with who I am and what I have. And let me tell you…..I HAVE LOTS. Perfect kids, perfect house, happy with how my career is going, supportive family (well mostly), sincerely amazing and wonderful friends.. .and lots of them. I have traveled all over. There is food in the fridge and the electric hasn’t been shut off. I am reading a book based in the mid 1900’s. There are such horrible stories: living conditions, poverty, workhouses, rampant child deaths, diseases.
With all I have I should be ecstatic. Yet,there is a cloud. A heaviness of my heart. I feel that all I have is nothingness. I’m sure tomorrow will be fine. It usually is. I have been in this place before and will return again. To all those out there that feel as I do know you are not alone. You are not selfish or stupid. You are not needy or in need of pity. You will enjoy life again, your brain is just not letting you right now. You are loved and will be able to feel it tomorrow.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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