Painful dreams

I had to wake myself up from a dream just now because it was too painful….I miss my grandma.. I’m crying silent tears. When loved ones die, even if expected I am initially a bit overwhelmed and shocked. Sometimes it can take months to really hit me. My grandmother died 3 days after Christmas. I was there when she died. I handled it well. I was strong.
Just now I had a dream that I was working in a bakery in a mall an an elderly woman bought a cake. I walked her to her car. I told her that she reminded me of my grandma, and that we used to come to the mall every week. I told her that I missed my grandma very much and then started crying. Then my real memories flooded in of just how happy I was when my grandma and I used to be together having fun at the mall. Eating, snacking, window shopping, making our little purchases that were on her list, going through sale racks, myself always getting one or two special things. We had FUN. TRUE FUN. I felt that emotion and I got socked in the chest. I cried for real I woke myself up Since my dad died I have not allowed myself to feel that much fun. Its too painful. My chest tightens. I felt these feelings when I had my concussion and life review. It was just as painful. It woke me up then too. My children are missing out on so much of me because I can not access it. It is just too painful.
This has really made me think….I don’t allow myself certain emotions. Maybe that is why I crave love so much. Especially from a partner. I need to because I know love. Love feels good. Touch, holding hands, snuggling, kissing, sex. All of those things is an is an instantaneous way to feel good. There are so many emotions I just can not access….. But love I have allowed. I crave it. I need it. I will always need one person to love me all the time. It is a different love than that of a child. I love my children and I know they love me. They crave my love. I do the best I can to give them all I can, but I know I hold back. I’ve put up a wall. It comes down so slowly, one paint chip at a time. I was finally able to sit down and play Candyland with Jett two days ago and really enjoy it. I LOVED board games, any games as a kid….yet as an adult….stressful…I just want them to be over. I’d rather us just watch TV….watch other people living having fun.
I’m always going to have these trauma issues because of my father’s suicide and how things were left. I’m always going to need a man in my life to reassure me that I am capable of being loved. Whenever anyone I love dies it is going to haunt me forever and I am going to surpress all the happy memories I had with them. I need my kids to live. I hope I don’t screw up their lives like mine.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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