Enjoying the life YOU chose

We all made certain choices and decisions that lead to where we are in your life right now.  Understanding that there are some aspects in our lives that are not in our control such as illness, death of loved ones, unexpected job loss, natural disasters, accidents, and so forth.  All of these things  and others that are of course not our fault.  However what are the things we chose, that we own? Where we live, jobs we take, the mate we chose, the children we decide to have, the food we eat, the activities we participate in, the friends we chose to bring into our lives and therefore their influences.  All the things we do own we should really really like or we should make steps to change them.  Change is hard, but we should still enjoy the process and then once change happens we should be happy right?  Why is it then that so many times we are still searching?

I have just not been 100% myself since my grandmother died.  It’s been two months.  I know that is why I haven’t been 100% myself and I should just own that, but I have been complaining about other things.  Things that I really have no right to complain about.  Things that I chose in my life.   Complaint Example: I am not auditioning enough. Well…. I chose this life.  I chose to move from my very stable comfortable life in Montana and chose to pursue a career in acting.  Granted I had lost my job/ career of 10 years, but I was happy about that.  For 10 years I complained that I wanted to move back to LA and pursue acting.  My own words : ” I don’t care if I just do background work every day….. I just want to be there.  Get me off this mountain.”  So when I really thought about that…. I got what I wanted and it was HARD.  Finding a house, getting a loan, moving, changing kids schools, changing our life styles, leaving my best friend, finding new friends, finding classes, a manager, an agent, submitting to anything to get footage for me reel and current credits.  It was all HARD….., but I did it.  I worked and got what I wanted.  So to revisit my complaining:  I am not auditioning enough.  Well, I made a choice per my managers wished to stop submitting to everything under the sun on LACasting and Actorsaccess that is non union, or doesn’t pay because she wants to make sure I am available when SHE gets me something that is Union and pays good.  I understood the logic and I agreed to it.  I made a choice.  Therefore the logic is that I can’t get mopy and bitter.  What can I do?  Well, I can still submit myself for stuff that shoots on the week ends, or things that my manager might not see, like low budget Sag features.  I can take classes at night to keep my skills up.  I can act in my friends projects for free to help them, but also keep my game up. I can write and produce my own projects.  I spent thousands of dollars on Improv training, so I could use those skills and reform an Improv or a Sketch team.  Yeah, my last two.. or three disintegrated, but thats what they do, and you start over until one doesn’t.  There are things that I can do, EVERY day, but I have been lazy.  It’s easy just to complain.  It’s even easier to fall into the : “I suck and no one wants me mojo.”  It’s the easy way/ excuse to use to not do anything or get out of bed…. and it’s BULLSHIT.  I know I am talented.  I know I got skills:) How many compliments do I need to get to believe it?  How much reenforcement do I need.  Yeah, I don’t get A LOT of job…. Yeah, I blow some auditions, but I also forget to show up to my kids parent teach conference now and again (today), that doesn’t make me a bad parent.  I believe in myself.  Sometimes I just need to remember that.  I also need to remember and enjoy and LOVE all the things in my life I chose.  I need to remember how hard I fought for them and how truly wonderful they are. My kids, my house, my job, my dogs, my bed, my TV, my garden, artwork I bought, trips I went on, life experiences I chose, the purses and shoes I just had to have.  I chose all these things because I loved them.  I need to remember to still love them, even when other things in my life are shit.

Enjoying the life we chose…. or change it…. but then love it once you do change it.  The choice is ours on how we want to perceive it.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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