Writers Block or Life Block?

I haven’t written anything since December 29th, the day my grandmother died.  I just haven’ felt like it.  I haven’t felt like doing much actually.  I’ve slept a lot, and I normally sleep a lot, so it’s been noticeably even to me …. more than usual.  Now last week I was legitimacy sick a few days, and the week before, the puppies that my kids got for Christmas were sick and it was me of course on night duty.  However a big bell dinged in my head when I was confined to sitting on the couch all day/ night Saturday watching the entire season of :Orange is the new Black, because one of the puppies jumped out of my arms and broke her toes….(cut to complete shock and panic)….  The bell was when one of the veteran prisoners warned a new prisoner room mate that she does’t stand for sleeping all day pouting.  I was like: “Oh shit… that’s me.”  Now, I’ve got some good excuses, as listed above.  I can even add Hashimotos disease and newly discovered chronic mono to the list, but it all comes down to stress and how I am going to handle the life I CHOSE.  My potential literary agent told me to read a book to get me back into life after my grandmother died, so last night…like a month later I cracked it open.  It’s called: Are You Happy Now? – 10 ways to live a happy life.  I’m on page 6… so I’m really busting through it :)…… but the first chapter is: No. 1: Accept What is.  There was an exercise to put the book down let go and be.  Now I am pretty good at living in the NOW.  I have worked hard at it.  However, as I sat there and really let go I realized I was holding onto/ upset about a few things and my grandmothers death was one of them.  When death comes calling I tend to go places like: what was the point of her keeping her house perfect, her lists, her order, her being the perfect housewife and taking care of my grandfather?  She just could have sat on the couch all day…… then I go to: What is the point of anything…. Yes, I can get dark.   Well in really letting go, and being still in accepting what is now I could see that everything she did made her happy because it made all of us, her family happy.  After her death things started to get dispersed. I panicked. I thought it was being done a little hap hazardly.  This woman had spent hours… days weeks..months of her life arranging photo albums in just the perfect way to document each life event, knick nacks were carefully and thoughtfully purchased and collected, being put in just the right spot.  My thought at the time was: “My life is in these bins…take what you want.”  Thinking about it still gives me tears.  I can understand why one hears stories about after funerals people fighting over the persons possessions.  One thing can have special meaning to more than one person and one thing cast aside can have an extreme meaning to one person and none to another, creating conflict.  Things… so not important…. I of course would like nothing more than to have her back.. in her prime, being the grandma I will always remember.  However, going to bed each night seeing her picture from her teen years, a picture I never saw before she died and using her scale that she used to weigh herself on practically daily basis are comforting reminders of the joy and caring memories she bestowed on me. Stepping back into life after an important loved one has passed is hard.  But, if we didn’t step back in all life would cease.  Time not to be selfish.  Time to step back in.  I’ve got 9 more steps to go…..


About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a producer, a mom, an adventurer.

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