As my grandma lay here dying

As my grandma lay here dying I guess I am feeling and thinking about the normal things one does at this time. Memories…..all the good times….all the times she took care of me, which for me was every day.  She literally lived next door to me until I moved when I was 19.  I saw her every single day. She took care of me when my parents were working or went out or I’d just go over there to hang out.  She always had the snacks I liked. I also think of how she asked me over and over when I was a kid to promise I would take care of her when she was old.  I failed there. I moved across the country when I was 20.  I left her. She had my grandfather until 10 years ago, but then when he died of cancer she was all alone. Yes, she had my mom and my aunt and my three cousins, but they weren’t right next door. They didn’t see her every day. I did. For 19 years I did, and then I left her. I did not keep up my end of the bargain. As you can see I have felt guilt about this over the last 20 years. Yes, I visited, she visited, we called….. But it’s just not the same as living next door.  As this door of her life on earth is closing I know she is midway or more moving through the next realm. I know she is being met by all she missed, my grandfather, my dad, her brother, mother, sister, etc….. Who will be her neighbor now? Who will live next to her? All of them. My burden will be released and a void will be left in burdens place.

I had a very unique special dream during a nap on Christmas Day. I believe it was a part of this process of my grandma passing. I was in my childhood home but my kids were there and all the family that was still here on earth. Everyone was happy. I was walking around my old house eating and smiling listening to everyone and their conversations. I was sitting on my parents antique sofa and then it disappeared. The old stuff from my childhood was leaving, but it was ok.  It was as if my past was moving out of the way for the new life I created. ….. And it was OK….. With my grandmother leaving this will change our family dynamic in a huge way.  It will take a lot to get used to the void.

In my dream there were also a plethora of religious paintings. In my dream I wondered where they came from. I am not a ” typical religious person”. I do believe there is ” something else” as I died once for a few minutes and had a life review….. I just don’t know what that ” something else” is…… I don’t think anyone can truly know what “that” is…… But soon my grandmother will find out something….. A piece of the puzzle to the mystery of life. She was TERRIFIED of dying a couple years ago when she almost did when she had pneumonia. Now she is at peace. She is not afraid. I think with all the sleeping she has done in the last year she has been visiting the next phase and getting used to ” moving on”. It is her time to go now.  Let go dear grandma. All will be ok.  You will always live right next to me in my heart. I hope you do go today. Why? Because this is your favorite day of the year. Today is the day all of our family is together to celebrate Christmas.  We are all together. All 17 of us.  Grandma would start shopping in the Spring preparing for this day every year and soon my grandpa would start too. It used to take us over 4 hours to unwrap gifts. Four hours with one gift getting better than the next.  Starting with socks and moving up the ladder to the finale of something we each wanted that was spectacular.  Those will be the memories left behind. Wonderful memories made by a wonderful woman who leaves behind a beautiful legacy of amazing off spring. Let go my dear grandma. Let go.

She let go the next day. Peace be with her.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

One response to “As my grandma lay here dying

  1. Hugs to you. What wonderful memories you have of your grandma and what an amazing legacy she has in you.

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