Power isn’t worth the Pain it can cause

I was an annoying child/ teen.  I used to get mad and frustrated when my parents used to take me to the bank every Friday and there was a line.  I would just be steaming.  It was not fair that I had to go and it wasn’t fair I had to wait in this stupid line.  Every time I went to the store I HAD to have something or it was a crisis.  I never threw a tantrum, but I was visibly PISSED.  My mother never gave in.  I never had to get pissed with my grandmother.  She took me shopping every week and I always got something.  Even if we just scoured the sales racks at Carson’s and JCPenny.  I got something.  I had lots of toys.  I had lots of clothes.  When I was a teen I would pout to go out with my friends.  I got into a phase that I would be bitchy to my friends too if I didn’t get my way.  To be bitchy and then get my way felt powerful.  I liked it.

Getting my way all the time pushed me more to get more.  When I finally pushed to hard and my dad said no and we had the first of the fall out that lead to his death I lost my power.  I lost my need for it.  After I left and he wouldn’t let me back in all I wanted was forgiveness.  For months my only goal was forgiveness and to be let back in to the life I had.  When he wouldn’t come in the room to sing Happy Birthday to me on my 16th Birthday my mind flipped a switch and I went back to wanting power.  I wanted to destroy him for not forgiving me.  I was horrible and mean and did not listen.  I came and go as I pleased.  I disregarded my mothers curfews.  I just didn’t care.  What more could they do to me?  I felt powerful again.  I went to school some days and somedays I didn’t.  I took the truck to go see my boyfriend after school and on the week ends.  I felt I was on my own.  I really didn’t care how much I was hurting my mother and if my father didn’t care about me why should I about him.  Somedays we would talk and somedays we wouldn’t.  Some days I cared about him like on Easter when he just sat at the table and didn’t eat.  just staring…. after I tried to talk to him.. tried to break through…. I couldn’t… I knew something was wrong… but what was really going to happen?  After Easter my mom got us to goto the mall together.  Our last mall trip.  After that day I looked in his check book and he had written closed in it.  He had spent all the money he had left that day.  I still have the outfit I got from Express.  Again our truce didn’t last long.  When I was home one day from school “sick” he asked me to go out to lunch and I refused.  He had accidentally let our dog down stairs and he could have hurt my bunny that I was letting roam around.  I was FURIOUS.  I said HORRIBLE things.  I WAS MAD.  Over an accident I was IRRATE.  I can’t even imagine Sedona talking to me like I talked to him.  When my mother got home it got worse.  I was screaming and at some point I LIED…. I lied about something he said.  When I did it I knew I went too far.  I did have a conscience in there somewhere.  I felt the twang, but I didn’t take it back.  I WON…. WHAT DID I WIN?  He left for three days then came home, hung himself and set our house on fire.  My mind has hidden that lie to me.  I couldn’t even remember it it right after he died.  My mind shut down. I won….  I won the prize of losing EVERYTHING.  I won losing my family, my father, my best friend, the man I used to run into his arms and promise me to never leave me.

I don’t ever want to be powerful again.

I had a friend about 12 years ago that used to get mad at the smallest things.  Cut off in traffic, her hair not perfect, someone took her sock.. whatever.  I never got mad at stuff like that.  I still don’t.  She was having a fit one day crying in her bed and as always I tried to calm her down.  She screamed at me what was wrong with me… why don’t I ever get mad?  I had never told anyone about my dad since my move to LA.  I did that day.  I told her that those little things just don’t matter.  I don’t get mad at stupid little things like that.  I lost everything for getting mad and lying.  She just got quiet processing the information.  I left.

Even today I don’t get mad if I’m cut off in traffic or my order isn’t right. I didn’t even yell at the hair guy last year that put bright red streaks in my hair.  I just left.  I don’t understand how people get so mad about little things like coffee, or if someone dents their car, or bumps into them.  If a baby is crying on the plane I just think “Thank God that’s not my child… been there, that poor mom.” When the doctor just did’t care that I had Hashimotos disease this week because it was the same treatment as low thyroid I didn’t get mad at him.  I will still go back.  I explained what I learned and maybe he will learn if this Potaba treatment works from the “new agey guy”.  Now I got mad when I got home and read more about it.  But I felt more of a betrayal from EVERY doctor I have ever been to.  I don’t get mad if the kids get bad grades.  I know they don’t want to.  They try harder.  I don’t get mad if the internet is slow or if someone writes a check at the grocery store or if I have to wait in a long line.  I know someone in particular that gets LIVID!!! That pisses me off.

What do I get pissed at?

With Hawaiian Tropic if a guy was being a douche bag to the girls I would go ape shit crazy.  If a creep touched a girl …forget it…. I would get right in his face and have him kicked out; If the girls were late I would get mad because it wasn’t fair to the girls that were on time; Girls that just wouldn’t show up, as that would hurt the event; Girls that got out of control drunk or did inappropriate shit I would kick out, as it hurt the image. Ha, I actually got mad a lot when I had that job.  I think it was mostly because I would try so hard and work so hard to make people happy, but I just could never make everyone happy.

So apart from Hawaiian Tropic….. I get mad at what I think are REAL issues. I get mad at people being mean to the homeless, war, famine, people getting bullied, guns, rapists, pedophiles. I can’t watch the news.  I get too upset.  It stays with me and I can’t fix it.  I do get mad at my neighbors dog barking.  That pisses me off.

What is my point to all this?  I think people waste their energy getting mad over stupid things like traffic or someone bumping into them.  Why don’t they get mad over things that really matter like how many people are getting killed in the numerous conflicts around the globe or human trafficking or pedophiles getting less time in jail than pot smokers or the children in your town you know don’t have food or heat?  Those are things to get mad at.  People get mad because it makes them feel powerful.  ” You screwed up my coffee order! FIX IT” and the timid clerk behind the counter does….. You won… more power for you, but you left that clerk feeling like an idiot the rest of the day. Trust me when I say that power really isn’t worth it.  Find the power in helping people…. not hurting them.

When my dad killed himself I never got mad at him.  I only got mad at myself.  I still can’t harbor any hatred toward him.  All I feel for him is empathy and sadness.  Be careful with your words.  Words to me can be like a dagger. I can take things very personally EVERYONE can……even that poor clerk behind the counter that screwed up your coffee….. maybe even for the 2nd time.  Maybe when he gets yelled at he just shuts down.  It physically and mentally hurts him.  Cuts him like a knife.  Let pedestrians have the right away even if it make you late to yoga. Let the guy merge in even though YOU KNOW he could have merged earlier. Give that homeless person you see every day a damn dollar or a bottle of water or a blanket.  You don’t know their story.   Be thankful that isn’t you. Maybe no one ever in your life ever helped you with anything…. SO WHAT… help someone else.  Change the world.


About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a producer, a mom, an adventurer.

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