The fogs rolls in

I knew it was coming…. I felt it…. I held it off for a couple of days, but it still came.  If you suffer from depression you know what I am talking about.  I have never found a way to keep the fog completely at bay.  I have found ways for the fog to lift, but it is sometimes random.  Sometimes it lasts hours, days weeks.  I was messaging a friend today who has also been in a funk.  It’s funny how we try to cheer others up, but really don’t care about cheering up ourselves. We just feel stuck… blah….. But damn it ALL of our friends need to be happy.  They have been blessed with wonderful lives.  Cheer up damn it.  As we were both reflecting on this time of year I thought of this date years past.  Last year, the year before, 5 years ago, 8 years ago, 10 years ago, ect. Life can seem such the same day after day.  However, If you look year by year… wow… my life has changed DRASTICALLY.  Each year on this date my life has been completely different then the year before.  Some years are happy and some are sad, but that is a blanket emotion.  The specificity of the emotion/ emotions felt were much more acute.  Last year… last year…. I don’t know what I wrote on FB, and I dont really care to look, but my memory of last year was that I was a MESS.  There was a reason I could “cry on cue” when acting.  Heck, I could cry on cue 24/7.  I had been “theoretically” “punched in the gut midish July and still had not gotten over it.  I took a video of myself falling apart in July just so I would remember how low low can be.  This date a year ago I was faking it.  I decided to plan a birthday for myself November 4th.  My Birthdays had sucked ass since I was 16 and my father ruined it, so every birthday since had been shitty.  I would just remember the incident and not want to participate in celebrating that day.  Even if I was in Disney the memory would still linger….. any Birthday was just…. ok… no matter what anyone did.  So last year because I was trying to get over my gut punching I tried to distract myself by party preparations 55 days before my actual birthday.  Friends will remember the posts.  I bought lights to decorate every tree and bush on my property.  I glued candy to my apricot tree.  I baked like 900 cookies. I did it up. That birthday party was a big deal for me.  I am thankful to everyone that showed up.  So many people cancelled at the last minute my heart was crushing…. but back to this date.  This date is very significant. And I remember the same friend being down and I remember the phone calls and texts because another birthday did not go as planned.  I was supportive and uplifting and happy and positive and was the cheer leader I was trained to be.  The party was rescheduled and all was ok.  Myself, I was pushing…. focusing on my party in 55 days.  I was also focusing on my 20 year reunion that would happen October 6th.  I was excited for that one.  A little too excited as exhibited at such reunion…. that is another story…

Back to the fog…. back to two years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago and so forth.  so much change…. so much CHANGE

Two years ago: so many classes and auditions and working for free, and kids, and home work.. house was a wreck…and and and

Three years ago (2010); Kids in new school; settling into California; getting into the acting mode.  Where do I start? I still had a tie to Hawaiian Tropic.  The Grand finale was January 2010….. It was such a part of my life for so long… 15 years.  It was a hard thing to let go.

Four years ago (2009): The race…. traveling all over the country producing finals for Hawaiian Tropic…. stress… pressure…satisfaction…. sadness… elation… highs.. lows…

Jump to 8 years ago: pressure…. sadness…. stress….. pretending to be happy… joy…. sleepless…. tired….pushing…. trying to stay focused on work.. trying to enjoy my new baby…..

Jump to 9 years ago: Happy, satisfied, hopeful, Let’s have another baby and add on to the house AGAIN…. traveling..exhausted… loved…. happy… exhilarated….

Jump to 18 years go: (I had left my first husband in July, my tanning salon, my family, my life, and moved to California) I was neurotic, depressed, hopefully, negative, self conscience, over whelmed, distraught, un nerved, regretful, desperate, confused.


About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a producer, a mom, an adventurer.

One response to “The fogs rolls in

  1. This post got cut off…. I have no idea what else it said grrr:)… I will make a part 2:)

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