I am now older than my father ended up being

This is going to seem like a morbid post and I know there are those of you that think when I do this I am in some kind of a funk crying my eyes out in bed. While I am in bed I am not crying. I am here because it is my birthday week and I’m snugly and don’t have to be anywhere until I get the kids from school. This is merely an introspection of my thoughts. Today I have officially lived longer than my father. My father killed himself 4 days before is 38th birthday. What does this mean to me? Well a little part of me feels like I won. No, I will never know what demons were troubling him inside his head. I will never understand how his personality really did just change. It had been slowly changing for a couple years, but once the switch was officially turned there was no way to undo it. Why do I feel like I have won? I feel that way because I have been through a thing or two. I’ve been through his death when I was 16. I’ve lived through 20 years of guilt over it. Yes, he did it, but when you are left behind there are always things you wish you would have done differently. I have dipped in to deep depressions which most of the time no one would have known or known what to do about it, nor would I let anyone help me. (possible because when I did ask for help a couple times it was denied, but another story:))
Because of his death I have lived life in a very different way than most. I find a way to do whatever I feel like trying. I don’t really think of all the consequences. I do what I want to do at the time. I make a decision. However, I do pay the consequences in the end and sometime that is a heavy price. Even before my dad died I lived this way to a point, but when he died I really didn’t hold back. I do all the things he never tried. When I make my mind up about something I do it. I really never ever want to hurt people. I don’t like feeling their pain. When I do hurt people I really didn’t think that would be the outcome from what I did. Knowing friends and loved ones are hurt or upset by me will sink me into a depression. I will try my hardest to “fix it”, but sometimes I have to accept that some things cant be fixed. That is the hardest lesson of all. I think it is the hardest because I am a forgiver. I rarely get mad at my friends or family. I will get hurt. I cant remember the last time I had a screaming match with anyone I was close to (other than the person I live with, but that is an entirely different tale). Now I will go to town and scream and yell at stupid people who are just wrong and stupid or hurting or upsetting someone I care about. However, I never shun a friend. I did it once before my dad died to a friend and never ever will again. I still feel guilt over it. And I also shunned my father after he shunned me. My father never forgave me for one mistake I made. He kicked me out and wouldn’t talk to me. My best friend stopped speaking to me. I had tried for months begging for his forgiveness, and when he was starting to come around talking a bit, but then refused to come into the room to sing Happy Birthday to me on my 16th Birthday I lost it and shunned him. I will never forgive myself for being as cruel to him as I was. I will never be that cruel to another again. I always forgive now because I know who that person really is. This was just a misstep. I think thats why that stupid movie the Shunning got me so upset. To me that is the worst pain; being shunned by people you love. I will never do that to anyone.
It seems odd that I am having a Birthday party for my self on this birthday…. … I haven’t had a big party since the 8th grade…and every birthday starting at 16 has been well honestly extremely difficult even if it was at a happy place like Disneyland. Memories always burn…I kind of just did it this year, but maybe my subconscious is doing it for more of a reason. I did win. Now I go into an entire new chapter of my life that he never got to move into. He lived this long. I have done and been through so much in these 38 years. Just think of how much I can do with 38 more. Some of my choices might seem like mistakes to others, but they are right in my gut at the time. I want to live life. I want to try everything I can. I want to make buttcrack videos, and talk and do sketches about my favorite subject, sex as I feel people are too sheltered. I want to try another pot cookie again even though the last time I spent the duration of the movie Bridesmaids in the bathroom at the movie theater and the last time I just ate pot because I wanted to try it I ended up crying to strangers about my life (it was oddly comforting) and puking for hours. I want to travel all over the world with the next stop being a photo safari in Kenya. I want my kids to follow in my crazy ass foot steps and make mistakes…. lots of them. The end of my years I want to end up in France….because yes, I think in a past life I was a queen:)……And as my epitaph I would want it to say “Don’t get stuck…Live”….. I dont know what my fathers epitaph would/ should have said. I want it to be very clear especially to my kids what mine is.

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About Vanessa Bednar

I am an actor, a writer, a mom, an adventurer.

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